Trowa paused, pen in hand. He held up his sheet of stationery and stared at its aqua border. As he sat there, at the synthicated oak desk in his trailer at the circus, he was coping with an impossible mission.

Mission: use one pack of stationery to sum up everything going on in his confused, muddled, and completely complicated heart. For normal people, this task would be hard. For antisocial people, this task would be difficult. For Trowa, this task was downright undoable.

Failed mission. Throughout the Eve Wars and the MarieMeia incident, Trowa had *never* gotten a failed mission. 'Why did I tell Kathy that I'd do this?' he mused to himself. 'I know. She told me that she wanted me to keep a journal. For posterity. 'Cause the possibilities of me raising children are almostnonexistent.'

"Where to start. I guess I'll start with the mostimportant people in my life.

"/Katherine/" he wrote on the paper.

"/My older sister. She has always been there for me, even before she knew she was my sister. Kathy is my nickname for her. She throws knives at me, but only when I'm behaving. If I'm not, she won't throw. She's afraid that someday, I'll move into the path of one of them and end my life.

"/It might make sense if I say that I work in a circus. I'm the clown. Funny, ne? Me, the quietest of the infamous five turned out to be a clown. Well, maybe that's not quite accurate; I was a clown before I met them. And before that, I was a mercenary. Those guys were mean to me, but I had a few friends; big guys that kept me safe.

"/Back to Kathy. She has short, curly hair and wide, lavender eyes. She cries a lot, when she thinks no one's looking, and she babies me a lot when no one is around. I don't mind it too much; I never had a mother to do it for me. It's not like Quatre and the Maguanacs. She doesn't smother while she's trying to help. Then again, she doesn't exactly have the power to help all that often./"

Trowa paused, looking at the filled page. 'Where did that come from?' he rubbed his temples with a weary hand. He leaned back over the paper and went back to work.

"/The Pilots

"/I'm going to lump them all into one group, except Quatre, of course. These guys are my best friends. They're the only friends my own age that I've ever had. Well, I think they're my age. I don't know when my birthday is, and I don't know when all of theirs are. So I'm guessing when I say they're my age.

"/They're all really admirable. Duo's so open. He'll share anything with you. All you need do is ask. Sometimes, he's so eager to tell, you don't even have to ask. And it doesn't matter what it is, if he trusts you. He's told me some interesting things to do in the bedroom, and poor Quatre was turning purple with embarassment.

"/Everything I think of comes back to Quatre. He's . . . indescribable. He's my ray of light. He's wonderful. But I have to finish up on the other pilots, or I'll spend all of my time on him. And my paper, too. and I'll end up with thirty pages of 'Why my Katoru is perfect and I am not.' Yeah, he says my ego needs boosting.

"/Hiiro is really strong. He's so powerful, sometimes he scares me. I'm not scared that he'll use it against me, I'm scared that he'll never get to realize the full potential of it. That he'll become someone else's tool to get ahead. Somehow, I think Duo'll keep him out of that, though. Duo's kind of protective of Hiiro. He's the only one who can make him smile. Except Quatre. Quatre makes everyone smile, even me.

"/I said everything comes back to Quatre, didn't I? I'd better get on to Wufei, before I space out and write allabout Quatre.

"/Wufei is the most dedicated person I've ever met. He's so strong, not only physically. Duo likes to kid Wufei about naming his mech, but we all know the story behind it. I think Duo has more respect for the story than any of us.

"/Nataku was Wufei's wife. Actually, it was her nickname. We had to get him completely drunk in order to squeeze that bit out. We also learned something. Wufei cries when he's drunk. Or maybe it was the information and the questions. Either way, it really helped him fit in a little better with us. It's hard being the odd man out of a group of five, especially when the other four are broken down into two couples. He's like thebrother we never had.

"/Quatre/" Trowa heaved a sigh. 'How am I going to do this?' he blew his breath up and his bang fluttered in the breeze. 'Nothing I can write about him will ever express whatI feel.'

"/I can barely begin on him. My love. My sunshine.My everything.

"/Once, when we first started seeing one another, I heard a song that came so close to explaining how I felt about Quatre, it frightened me. I got the lyrics to it and saved them on my computer. I'll copy them down and add them on the back of this sheet.

"/Oh, how am I going to explain how much he means to me? How do you explain how much you need air? How can you say that without eating, you will die? Without him, I'll die. I'm sure of it--as sure as I am that I will without food and air.

"/I was so scared our first time. I was scared that my lack of experience would show; I was scared that I would hurt him. That he wouldn't be fully pleasured. That I was too tarnished to touch his perfection, and he would finallyrealize it.

"/He was so kind. And so gentle. Aa, and just as inexperienced as I! We learned together, and now we know the secret nuances of each other; know each other better than ourselves. I understand his tiniest whimpers and can translate easily his beautiful moans as he clutches me. He, in turn, seems to see into my very soul while we are joined. Every move he makes is right, every little pain soothed by soft, whispered apologies, though I haven't made a sound.

"/He is wonderful. His beauty surpasses all others I have ever seen. His smile outshines the sun. His lips are sweet pink, barely tinted on his delicate skin. He seems to have an everlasting suntan, resulting from life in the desert. The evil sun has stained his white skin a healthy brown, but it blends well with the rest of his skin. His eyes are liquid pools of refection. They are so expressive that barely a word must be uttered from those dainty lips and I will know what he wants.

"/Sometimes, I just want to hear him say it.

"/He is thrifty with his words. He never lies. Everything he says is straightforward, and his heart is made of gold. I don't deserve his love, and yet I have it. He is so generous; my angel. My beauty loves me tenderly, and I love him just as much. If we were seperated, I would die. If he died, heavens forbid, I would gladly follow him. Living without his warmth, his light, his grace and purity, would be more impossible than even writing this journal.

"/My thoughts do not flow freely as I would like them to. I would like to be able to tell my life how much he means to me, but words have never been my strong point. Many people say that actions speak louder than words.

"/Well, if actions speak louder than words, Quatre would be as loud as Duo. Everything he does is so wonderful, so awesome. He is merciful when the person it is bestowed upon does not deserve it, he is kind to those who scorn and mock him. He is angelic in all definitions of the word./"

Trowa smiled to himself, and gently lay his pen down. He flipped the page over and began to write:

The loneliness of nights alone
the search for strength to carry on
my every hope had seemed to die
then like the sun shining up above
you surrounded me with your endless love
Coz all the things I couldn't see are now so clear to me

You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through
When nothing else will do
Every night I pray
On bended knee
That you will always be
My everything

Now all my hopes and all my dreams
are suddenly reality
you've opened up my heart to feel
a kind of love that's truly real
a guiding light that'll never fade
there's not a thing in life that I would ever trade
for the love you give it won't let go
I hope you'll always know

You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through
When nothing else will do
Every night I pray
On bended knee
That you will always be
My everything

You're the breath of life in me
the only one that sets me free
and you have made my soul complete
for all time (for all time)

You are my everything (you are my everything)
Nothing your love won't bring (nothing your love won't bring)
My life is yours alone (alone)
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through (your spirit pulls me through)
When nothing else will do (when nothing else will do)
Every night I pray (I pray)
On bended knee (on my knee)
That you will always be
be my everything

You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through
When nothing else will do
Every night I pray on bended knee
That you will always be
be my everything

Every night I pray (I pray)
On bended knee (on my knee)
That you will always be
be my everything
oh my everything

He put the paper beneath the others and stacked them together. Carefully weighing them with a paperweight, he crawled into bed. Before he fell asleep, he thought to himself, 'I have to thank Kathy tomorrow. She helped me see things I never saw before. And maybe when I'm through with it all, I'll let Quatre read it."

~OWARI~

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C&C needed like Trowa needs Quatre's smile (^.^ I really love those two together!)