For last two and a half years, I have been exploring my childhood gaining new insights in how my speech developed. When I started this EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) tour, I was unprepared for how important and challenging this journey was to become. Originally, I theorized it might be possible to quickly reprocess some of my well-established speech patterns using this new therapy. After I glimpsed some of the emotional energy triggering my stuttering, my primary EMDR goal quickly changed to one of exploration. If I had continued to look to EMDR as a quick fix, I feel I would have been sadly disappointed.
Through my first two years of EMDR work, my fear of answering the telephone increased with all other speaking situations becoming much easier. When I used EMDR to target aspects of my telephone blocking, the energy felt so strong it seemed to overpower the therapeutic process. I had little understanding of this powerful telephone energy. I felt extremely positive about the outstanding progress I had previously made with understanding my early speech development. I also was very frustrated, with my EMDR journey now completely stuck. Although I wanted to continue with my investigation, it seemed I was reaching the end of EMDR usefulness. After trying a variety of EMDR approaches, I started to look to other ways to push forward.
The first change I made was to always say, "Hello," when answering the telephone at home. This took about six months of work just to accomplish because I would silent block and word switch after a fearful pause. After I firmly made the choice to never word switch, answering the telephone became even more frightening.
I started practicing answering the telephone very slowly. When I moved in slow-motion, I could stay more focused on the energy in my body. This slow-motion exercise has worked best when I first wake up in the morning. In some ways I find this half-asleep state similar to EMDR because my conscious and subconscious feel closely linked. I was surprised to find how the seeming simple process of answering the telephone was a series of body motions with separate energy links. Each individual motion was triggering different parts of my subconscious early childhood memory network.
For many months it had seemed likely an important memory link might be hiding just below the surface. My first clue where this link might be located was discovered after I repeatedly worked through this powerful telephone answering exercise. After several weeks of this early morning activity, I divided the telephone answering process into seven actions:
1. Hearing the telephone ring.
2. Walking to the telephone (and or) seeing the telephone.
3. Grasping the receiver.
4. Moving the receiver to my ear.
5. Moving my head back.
6. Moving my head down.
7. Saying, "Hello."
With my previous EMDR work, the action of moving my head down was linked to my familiar speech blocking. Most confusing of the seven actions was the head back motion. I returned to EMDR and targeted separately each action of the telephone answering process. The head back motion contained the most energy of the seven actions. I was unable to link this emotional energy to any specific event other than just answering the telephone. I again looked in a new direction for help.
I started exploring voluntary stuttering by trying a variety of approaches. The following examples seemed the most helpful for me. If I started to stutter in conversation, I tried to stutter through the energy and say the word when I could. If I avoid blocking, I sometimes will feel a release of emotional energy. In addition, I started practicing purposeful severe stuttering on words I randomly selected. If I focused my purposeful stuttering on problem words, those words were not improved in regular speech. I theorize this was because by making the decision to select words randomly, I was consciously triggering my stuttering. When I picked problem words my subconscious memory network was just being reinforced.
I now have success at saying, "Hello," when answering the telephone. When answering, I will generally block momentarily, and then stutter on, "Hello." I see this stuttering as a very positive because I am starting to move through this speaking fear. For one call, I was able to easily answer the telephone with, "Hello," and have an unusually relaxed conversation. After I completed the call I became so scared, I started to shake. I tried to view even this experience as positive with the new forward movement of the emotional energy.
Over the last two and a half years, I have had many important insights into my stuttering. When I would first see how parts of this puzzle where fitting together I would sometimes feel an emotional chill running down my back. One recent chill happened when I was I driving home from work and randomly picking words from signs to purposely stutter on. The word, "Dallas," appeared on a road sign, so I stuttered, "Da, Da, Da, Da." What quickly came to mind was the memory of trying to ask my dad a question, when I was about four years old. This had previously been a completely fun early childhood memory. I would grab my dad's pants leg to get his attention. I was looking up him with my right arm pulling down and saying, "da da, da da."
I had not thought of this "da da" memory as somewhere I might look for stored emotional energy. What I had always remembered about this memory was how fun it was to get my dad's attention to ask him a question while standing up, hiding under a table. Unlike the other important emotional targets I had worked through, I found this memory contained no fear. Strong emotional shifts are present in this, as well as all the other targeted memories linked to communication.
A new and more complete picture of my boyhood fun came into view with the help of EMDR. When I was trying to get my dad's attention I would feel frustrated when he was slow to answer and then a rush of excitement as he answered. Often, though, what happened was my frustration would shift to deep sadness when he would not respond. When I gave up trying to ask my question, I would physically shift my head position from looking up to looking down. I was repeating, "da da, da da" with my head back looking up, while moving my right arm up and down. By often repeating this youthful activity, I linked a series of repetitious physical body motions to some strong emotional shifts.
I am not sure when I learned to reach for the telephone as a means of communication. However, I do remember when I was young running with great enjoyment to answer the telephone. I then would stutter through "Hello," without feeling any shame. When I was nine or ten an emotional shift occurred when someone, embarrassed by my stuttering, grabbed the telephone from my hand. After that experience of forty years ago, "Hello," was linked to a powerful block whenever I answered the telephone.
By experimenting with a variety of therapeutic approaches, I discovered some important new speech links. With EMDR to target these new links, I restarted my journey through my communication puzzle. I have found the core of my subconscious emotional memory network to be extremely well protected from my conscious mind. As I slowly peel off layer upon layer, I am able to glimpse a remarkable picture of my past. As an explorer, I am able to view with fascination the sometimes scary aspects of my own mind. With my continuing journey of exploration, I hope to even better understand how my present is linked to my past.
Dale Sander
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