Attraction, Communication and the Genesis of Relationships

 

Valentine’s Day is a day where couples “celebrate” being together and exchange gifts to express their feelings for each other in a multitude of ways. However, almost all relationships have started with some type of attraction.

 

Driving the formation and development of the relationship in the beginning is attraction.  Attraction can come in many forms from physical appearance to spending quality time with each other.  All of the people I have interviewed stated that primary attraction stemmed from spending substantial time with the other person.  For example, one interviewee stated that she went out with her roommate (after living for two months) because they spent so much time together.  By being in the same living quarters, they were forced to spend an inordinate amount of time getting to know one another.  Another interviewee stated that being in the same extra-circular activities and by working in offices that were in close proximity to each other, their relationship eventually evolved into a romantic one.  Each interviewee, regardless of gender, stated that spending time with the other person was an important factor in having their friendship blossom into a romantic relationship and that in general each was attracted to one another for the same reason(s).  This can be related to Knap’s impulses of getting together.  Each interviewee displayed signals that they needed to have social companionship, wanted to enhance enjoyment of certain activities, and wanted to receive stimulation.  The impulse to express expression seemed to also play a role in the development of the relationship.  It was noted that by sharing similar experiences and having the other party to be both receptive and capable of empathizing, the start of the relationship seemed to be much stronger and concrete.

 

Once the relationship becomes steady, the question becomes what now is the primary force perpetuating the relationship.  The one concept that continually was expressed by interviewees was space.  Every member of the study stated that “giving space” to the other person and being “given space” was paramount in order for the relationship to be successful. Although this may seem contrary to the original reason of why they were attracted to each other (ie. spending time with each other), it is understandable through Knap’s impulse to receive stimulation.  It is known that doing a repetitive action for a prolonged period of time will lead to stress in general and possibly dislike for that activity. This can be applied to people as well.  By being in the presence of the same people on a continual basis, exposure can actually become excessive.  One participant stated that being forced to spend majority of their time with the other person not being allowed to be with other friends hindered the relationship.  Knap also states that there is an need to have new experiences.  If the situations in the relationship are constant, then the desire to have new experience starts to proliferate and may lead to the deterioration of the relationship.  When one person wants something different, and the other doesn’t the relationship becomes strained until the stress is either relieved or the relationship is dissolved.  This was demonstrated by several of the interviewees answers when they said that being restricted to the same activities, such as going to the same places, put a restraint in what they could do and felt that the relationship should be more about learning and doing different things instead of staying at a stagnate state.

 

 It is seen that similarities seemed to be much more prevalent in a relationship then dissimilarities, demonstrating that like attracts like.  As stated in the second paragraph, similar experiences and views gravitate people together.  This is because we assume that similar characteristics equate to common views of the world, an easier time interacting, and a greater possibility of being favored in return.  In several interviews, the primary reason for the termination of the relationship, regardless of gender, was when the two parties had contradictory views and started to diverge from the similar outlook that brought them together in the first place.  This ties into the previous paragraph where whenever there is some type of stress applied to the relationship, the relationship becomes hindered from growth and may start to lose its integrity.  When the common denominator of a relationship is lost, the relationship will start to unravel and the individual differences become prominent and disrupt the relationship.

 

As the relationship progresses, different attraction manifest itself.  All of the interviewees stated that the magnitude of the initial attraction increased and different attraction became evident. For example one interviewee stated that although physical attraction was the main force in initiating the relationship, social attraction became the fundamental factor in the stability and growth of the relationship.  By spending more time with the person, the girlfriend realized more and more that she wanted to be with him and that his physical attraction did not matter as much (although she was still physically attracted to him, if not even more). Another example is one interviewee stated that initially she was attracted to her boyfriend because of his intellect and his outlook on life, however as time progressed she started to become physically attracted to him. 

 

Besides attraction changing in the development of the relationship, communication styles differ.  Good communication in both quality and quantity was noted to be a top priority.  Almost all interviewees stated that besides physical or social attraction, the ease at which they could talk to one another contributed greatly to the implementation and the closeness of the relationship. As the relationship progressed the fluidity in which the couple talked to each other increased drastically.  Their speech became covered much more broad, was more spontaneous, more efficient, more flexible, and more intimate.  This was primarily due to the couples understanding of how the other party would react and the fact that they were comfortable and intimate with each other.  Although attraction is the primary force that brings two people together, it is ultimately the quality of communication that holds people together in a romantic type of relationship.