Derek Wong

Speech 381

Dissolution

 

In a past relationship, the primary reason for the breakup was that we both no longer had feelings for each other in the boyfriend-girlfriend sense (i.e. we grew too far apart and lost that connection we once had).  The public “view” was that we broke up on the premise that I was going off to college (although it was still on the same island) therefore the relationship would not be viable.  In essence it looked like she was the breaker-upper because of the fact that I did not tell my own friends about the breakup until much later so it looked as if she broke it up and that I just did not want to admit it.

 

In my opinion, I felt that after the breakup I was the most affected because I thought I needed that support in my transition from high school to college (the breakup was in the summer between my senior year in high school and my freshman year in college) and I could not be a “success” without her. It also seemed that she was less affected because she got involved in a relationship prior to me getting involved in a relationship.  Personally, I don’t see any correlation of the gender to the level of being affected (there may be a correlation of breakup-er vs. breakerup-ee to the level of being affected).  I think that the male may seem to be less affected, however that is only because of the social pressure (similar to the “cowboy/big boy syndrome”). 

 

After the breakup, my social network seemed unaffected (of course I did hear the “I am sorry to hear that” and the “you’ll find someone else” etc comments)), this was because I never really did integrate her into my own social network therefore most of my friends will only “hear” about her, but will never really “see” her.  As for my family, most did not know of my relationship with her, and for those that did they did, they only thought of it as a very shallow relationship (they had the misconception that we only had been together for a very short time before the breakup).  In essence, I tried my best to keep my relationship with her as a separate entity from the rest of my social network in the event things don’t work out and we must go our separate ways.  By doing so, I felt that I “protected” my social network from being affected. 

 

The “adjustment” was difficult mainly because we did not know how to act as friends (we only knew each other for a very short time before starting the relationship), however eventually we did become friends.  At first the main behavior was avoidance, because we both needed “space” to adjust to this new situation but afterwards we became friends and talked with ease.

 

The most profound affect of the breakup was that I learned that I did not need someone to give me that emotional support to do well in life.  I thought that I needed it, however I have learned that all the things that I have accomplished during my time with her was done on my own merit and although it did feel good to hear those words of encouragement, ultimately it was my own deeds and actions that brought me my rewards.  As for relationships, I took a chance, learned and grew significantly.  I learned that taking risks (within reason) is important to grow in life and that if the opportunity presents itself to enter a relationship, one should take it (after careful consideration) and not worry about the future/potential problems (such as marriage, future fights/conflicts, etc). 

 

People who are “broken up” should act civil and should always show respect to each other.  It is important to treat that person with at least some dignity because regardless of the experience (whether good or bad), that experience helped to shape the person to who he or she is today.  It is also okay to not be friends after a relationship has been ended (something I have also learned) and that there should be no obligation to remain emotionally connected to the other person.  It is okay to realize that when two people have grown in such a sense that they are no longer compatible (for whatever reason) that staying in contact or being friends is not in the best interest of both parties.  Some of things that should not be shared would be the current/new relationship because although you two may be “friends” you two have shared something that most friends will/do not.  To talk openly about your current relationship may hurt the person and make the person doubt themselves or bring up hurt/angry feelings.  However, I do know of couples who are no longer together but talk freely about everything, including their current relationship(s).  If both parties are comfortable talking about these topics, then it should be okay, after all there is no rule dictating what can and cannot be spoken. It should be noted though that if one of the parties becomes uneasy with a topic, then that topic (whatever that may be) should be avoided.  These rules are similar to friends, in that friends do not always discuss everything totally free and that there are some “taboo topics.”