DMV Tyrant

 

DMV Tyrant

 

Remember when you went out for your Driver's license, remember the

excitement and the satisfaction that you received when you finally

passed the road test.  Remember how happy that was…well sometimes

….well…things happen…

Scene: A window at the Division of Motor Vehicles.  Sign on desk

reads "Division of Motor Vehicles."   A man at a window (DMV Tyrant),

is approached by a Customer.

 

DMV Tyrant by  Christopher Durang.

 

DMV: Listening to the tape:

I will listen to the customer, I will respect the customer, I will be

courteous to the customer, I will NOT talkback to the customer, I

will not raise my voice, I will not lose my temper, I will NOT be

sarcastic, I will cooperate with the Customer, the customer is always

right.

 

Customer: (walks by) Is this Window 7? , excuse me, is this Window 7?

 

DMV: Keeps saying tape.

 

Customer: Excuse is this Window 7?

 

DMV: Does it say Window 7? (twitch, sarcastic)

 

Customer: Yes

 

DMV: Well then, can't you read? (sarcastically) What do you want?

 

Customer: well, Now I am afraid something rather complicated has

happened with my driver's license. No, please take turn off your

cassette player so that you can hear me.

 

 

DMV: What?! You want me to shave your rear? I am sorry but I work for

the government, not for a barber, want a barber go next door, he is a

really good barber, he cuts for a good price, yes he does.

 

Customer: I am afraid something rather complicated has happened with

my driver's license.

 

DMV: I'm sorry to hear that.  What happened? (With great disinterest

she begins to read a book)

 

Customer: Should I wait until you finish?

 

DMV: I don't think so.  It's a very long tape. (says it expanded and

stretch out)

 

Customer: But, … hey are you listening to my problems

 

DMV: I can listen to tape and you at the same time, go on.

 

Customer: Well you are also listening to your cassette player.

 

DMV: Wait, Wait a minute, I wanted to finish the paragraph….almost

done….last sentence…. wow really, I didn't' know that (referring to

the book in excitement)  Wow this is a really good book….you really

should read it ….it's really really REALLY good ….I didn't know that

(keeps rambling on about the book)

 

Customer: Oh. Well.  Uh, anyway, I took the driving test again, and I

passed it and got this temporary license, which has now expired, and

I've never gotten my permanent one, and when I called about it, they

said they had lost me in the computer, and they had no record of my

taking the test, and so they couldn't sne me my license even though I

did take and pass the test.  (Pause) …um, your turn to say something.

 

DMV: Fine then you want to be that way, fine! (Bitchy) I'll take it

off (takes it off), there are you happy.

 

Customer: excuse me, as interesting as your book sounds and how much

I would love to hear you talk about it, please help me solve my

problem.

 

Customer: Well…

 

DMW: In one Sentence please.

 

Customer: I haven't received my driver's license.

 

DMV: Let me see if you're on the computer.

 

Customer: I'm not on the computer.

 

DMV: What is your name?

 

Customer: I told you I am not there

 

DMV: Hmm how do you spell it?

 

Customer: I'm not on the computer.  I went to Window 3 and they told

me there was no record of me on the computer.

 

DMV: What does this sign say…it doesn't says window 3, does it say

win. 2, does it say win. 4, no, but 7, can't you read….btw did you

pass your eye exam….maybe that's why you don't have your license. 

Now I need your name.

 

Customer: (slightly agitated) Okay, first of all I told you I a

passed my exam, second of all I have perfect vision 20/20, and third

I know that this is Window 7.

 

DMV: Okay that's very good… now what is your name again….or have you

forgotten it? (Sarcastically).

 

Customer: (gives in already, with look of frustration) …James Agnes.

 

DMV: Is that A as in aardvark, g as in geeky, n as in nincompoop, e

as in e-noying, s as in stinky sea captain, (pause pause), J as in

Junk, A as in Agnes, M as in meadow, e as in extremely e-noying, and

s as in very slow (held out)

 

Customer: (irritated) Yeeesssss…

 

DMV: (looks in computer) well, (happily) your not on the computer.

 

Customer: I told you I wasn't

 

DMV: Fine. So what you want cookie?

 

Customer: No, I want my license

 

DMV: No license in cookie bag

 

Customer: I know that, I…listen to me, I want my license

 

DMV: You sure you no want cookie

 

Customer: yes I am sure

*if not enough time*

 

DMV: You want cookie?

C: no

Dmw: You sure you no want cookie?

C: no

Dmw: You sure you no want cookie?

C: no

Dmw: You sure you no want license?

C: no, I mean

DMV: Okay, have nice day, bye bye

Customer: No, I mean yeah I want license.

DMV: no license in cookie bag but

Customer: Yeah I know that

DMV: You sure you no want cookie

 

Customer: (frustrated and a little slower) I would like to get my

permanent license

 

DMV: I'm sorry.  There is no record of you on the computer.

 

Customer: Yes, but I have my temporary license.(hands it to her)

 

DMV: hmm, this temp. license expired.

 

Customer: Yes, I know it's expired.

 

DMV: well, it's no longer a valid license

 

Customer: I know that.  That's why I want my permanent one. I hadn't

noticed it and thought it came in the mail until this one had already

expired. I had presumed everything was all right.

 

DMV: Well obviously everything wasn't all right now was it Mr. Agnes,

if that's your real name.  What a funny thing to do. (Suspicious.) If

you do not have a valid driver's license, how did you get here to the

DMV?

 

Customer: Well that's easy since I don't have my license I had to….

 

DMV: (interrupts rudely) Wait I know I know….you rode your bike here.

 

Customer: No, I didn't ..I don't even have a bike to ride…but I do

have a car…but I need a license.

 

DMV: (more suspicious) Now you didn't drive that car here did you?

 

Customer: no, I didn't I…

 

DMV: Well I know…your mommy dropped you off

 

Customer: No, that's not it…I …

 

DMV: (frustrated) … okay what, what did you do…fly here?!

 

Customer: NO, I took a taxi!

 

DMV: (surprised) Oh yeah…that's right, I forgot …. (Suddenly

serious)…can your prove that to me?

 

Customer: What…prove it…?!

 

DMV: Did you keep a recipt?

 

Customer: No, I didn't they didn't give me a receipt, I just want my

license!

 

DMV: Now, I trust you did not drive here yourself in the taxi cab…Mr.

James Anges? (suspicious)

 

Customer: No, no, no, I realized that my license is not valid

 

DMV: That is correct.  You have an invalid license. (Drops head…and

comes like a new person)  Good Morning!

 

Customer: But you're not helping me.

 

DMV: (pleasantly) How may I help you?

 

Customer: I want my driver's license.

 

DMV: You must first schedule to take the driver's test at window 4

and pass in order to get one.

 

Customer: But I took the driving test.

 

DMV: I have no record of it.

 

Customer: I know you have no record of it, some schmuck (hand

gesture) lost it in the computer…

 

DMV: Kindly refrain from speaking Yiddish to me.  If you wish to make

an appointment to take the driving test, please go to Window 4. 

Thank you and have a nice day. (Goes back to listening to tape)

 

Customer: (Really ticked off now) I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE TEST

AGAIN!

 

DMV: (irritated.) Well, when did you take the test before?

 

Customer: It's the same date as that on my temp. License.

 

DMV: (reads it)  Feb. 3,1894.   The DMV didn't exist in 1894.

 

Customer: Let me see that. (Looks.) Alright, it's a typo, it has to

be, It's clearly meant to be 1994.

 

DMV: I am willing to agree with you that it is more likely a typo. 

You see, I don't' stick to the rules on everything, I am human after

all.  What is your name again?

 

Customer: James Agnes.(slowly and loudly)

 

DMV: Is that a as in aardvark, g as in gawky, n as in nincompoop.

 

Customer: James Agnes! (really pissed, and a lot louder then before)

 

DMV: Let me see if we have a record of you in the comp. (types in

comp.)

 

Cusomter: You don't, you don't, I told you don't!

 

DMV: I don't what?

 

Customer: My name is not there.

 

DMV: Okay what's your name again, it should be here if you said it

was here…and why are you shouting at me? When I am shouted at, I do

not feel like cooperating.

 

Customer: I told you that my name was NOT (emphasize this) there and

you have NOT been cooperating.

 

DMV: I must have been cooperating (all innocent). If I had not been

cooperating, you would have been shouting at me much earlier than

this. 

 

** Okay now for an ending to make up…tell me what you think

 

Customer: I WAS shouting at you…it's just that you weren't paying

attention!!

 

DMV: I beg your pardon, I WAS (emphasis) paying attention, Mr. I am

not there.  

 

Customer: I want to see your supervisor….and complain to them! Now!

 

DMV: Okay the supervisor on duty at the time is located at Window 7.

 Thank you and have a nice day! (turns away)

 

Customer: (gets louder) I am at Window 7, I was at Window 7 a few

minutes ago, and I still am at Window 7…I even asked you if I was at

Window 7!

 

DMV: well then, the supervisor on duty is … me… I am so special!

 

Customer: Okay, Okay….just shoot me already. (leans to audience)

 

DMV: now, what would that do…wait, I got something here…someone put

you in the wrong directory, A comes after D, and is not the first

alphabet….see, that's why I (emphasis) am the supervisor, cause I am

the smartest one here.

 

Customer: Oh my gosh…you're the smartest one…gee wheeze…this is so

screwed up (for this one, lean one step to the audience like you are

thinking and not really talking to me, so I really don't know that

you are thinking)

 

DMV: Okay I am ready to give you your permanent license Mr.

Agnes….now all you have to do is….*starts walking away* (hmm, which

one…just start walking off, or just like make a sound like a bell or

whistle)

 

Customer: Is what…what do I have to do?…hey, wait, where are you

going? Come back here and give me my license!

 

DMV: I am sorry, but it's my lunch break, union rules you

know….kindly wait in the waiting area for only an hour  … Thank you

and have a nice day.

 

Customer: What the?! .. (pause) Hey wait…..turn your head like that

again………..yeah you know you got that scare over there

 

DMV: Neit!

 

Customer: Yeah I remember you, you were on of those guys on T.V. that

blew up Chernobyl. 

 

DMV: That is a lie!  It never happened!  It wasn't suppose to happen

(pause…thinking) … how about I give you license to shut up about

nuclear explosions…there we both be happy. (try to be cheerful …and

kinda smile)

Now you go to window 9 for processing.

 

Customer: Yes, finally done…(walk to window 9)

Is this window 9?..excuse me is this window 9….is this ?

 

DMV: what ? (Aussie accent)

 

Customer:  Is this window 9?

 

DMV: Yea mate! Just wait till I finish this movie.  I love Crocodile

Dundee!….Paul Hogan it's the Bonza mate!

 

Customer:  Oh no! Not again!

 

---Scene---