Understanding C.B.S.

Perhaps you feel low self esteem, poor self image, nervousness in public and boughts of depression.

Perhaps you display borderline tendencies and consider yourself to be better than everyone else with your supersensitive emotion- nobody feels pain like you do. No longer do you need to attempt to self-diagnose your mental illness, blaming the world and everyone in it, the injustices and unfairness from national governments to the bullying you were subjected to at school. Relax, my friend, you have quite a common condition, CBS - complete bastard syndrome.

That's right...now it all begins to make sense. Your feelings of superiority, combined with the self loathing. The way other people treat you, your lack of success with the opposite sex - it all fits. You are a cunt. Even when you do nice things...it's always about you.

Breath deeply now. There are two course of action available to you. Remember when everyone told you "just be yourself"? Well. Scratch that. Too set it in your ways to change who you are? Try this helpful book on how to deprogram your brain. Think you're unique? Shit happens, but you can't handle it.

Fuck it. I’ll fetch the rope. You know the world would be alot happier place...if all the depressed people killed themselves!

OFS- know the signs.

This is no melodrama- unlike malignant melanoma OFS is an infectious disease, spawned in areas of economic deprivation, and intellectual vacancy where fans of pop idol exist. It also effects members of marginal political parties and chocolate factory workers. A definite scientific link has been proven linking OFS to not only skin cancer, but also superficiality, annoying whining and morally dubious behaviour. Just say no to day glow: don't become a victim of Orange-faced-syndrome.

Spot the signs early.

• Urge to go to a tanning salon or nail bar.

• Urge to get "beauty" products to achieve that "sun kissed" look.

• A big fat freaky orange face.

As Graham Taylor once said "Do I not like orange?" My answer-  a resounding "NO" to day glow. It's my pre-jaundiced prejudice. You may think she looks radiant, but to me she just looks irradiated. A stranger colour than some of the alien women that Captain Kirk kissed.

Like a wasp has stripes; an orange faced woman is warning you: high maintenance, superficial, attention seeker possibly shallow, perhaps likely to be unfaithful once she's spent all your money and exhausted your patience. It's the most bizarre superficiality to choose an mahogany orange veneer;  a product of the celebrity-centric generation for the dedicated followers of fashion. It's not exclusive to members of the working class, deficient in vitamins and intellect, over weight "Satsumos" who look like they've overdosed on Sunny D, or Irn-Bru, but not carrots. No conclusive link can be made, as it's not only 17 yr old buggy pushers "fae Govan" who are victim to this distressing syndrome.

Middle aged women from posh parts of town, who prided themselves on being "money"; the first to venture abroad on their tacky package holidays, they don't understand when I say "Je déteste les visages oranges".You look like the tango man, yet it is I who should be giving you a well deserved slap. Walking around any UK city has become like being in the film "Monsters Inc". 

I ban tan: you're an orange faced disgrace. Perma-tans with permafrost stares, the future isn't Orange, it's wrinkles at 25, skin cancer, thread veins and sun spots for the Glen Orangies and Oranginas. "Do I look stupid?" you ask. Is my orange clockwork? If tangerines could talk, they'd say "I thought I was orange, but you take the segment!".

For next year's white trash fashion trait will people be blacking themselves up like minstrels, or turning blue like the men from the Intel advert? Am I to join the orange network and go on orange walks? I don’t think so.

You heard it here first: Blue is the new orange.