n Earth
ISSUE 10 20TH JANUARY 2005Indiscreetly passing wind on public transport since 2004.
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n Earth
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ISSUE 10 20TH JANUARY 2005 Indiscreetly passing wind on public transport since 2004. |
 Harry gets it wrong, surely not?
"SO I made a mistake and wore
an inappropriate costume...but who thinks I really am a Nazi or that I
was doing it to deliberately hurt people's feelings? Me? The Prince's son? Here at a party in a Nazi costume! With my reputation of being a German descendant!?!! Exactly. You all laughed at John Cleese's goose-stepping and "don't mention the war"; that was twenty years ago... Father Ted as the Nazi. Freddy Star's Nazi salute. The Nazis in Allo Allo didn't seem to ruin your dinnertime viewing pleasure. Nobody said Mel Brookes' musical with dancing paratroopers was anti Semitic. You're more sensitive about the war now? You're a 30-something writer for the Sun...so obviously the holocaust is still fresh in your mind. It's predictable, when you've got papers to sell...and when it suits you it's "Jerry" this and "Krautrage" that...especially when Germany is playing football.
Remember: Nazis are never funny. I remember a comment from my father on the 'phone causing uproar...he didn't go to a fancy dress ball wearing a tampon costume... yet people still think of us Royals as stuck up c#nts(!!)" Supermarket offers same quality but lower prices on 6000 items. So which is it?
I can tell you which one it isn't. Prisoners pissed off with the country which detained them. Today a shock revelation was made by the US press secretary "Suspects very unlikely to turn against those who were holding them captive without trial- shock horror as some of those held (tortured) in Guantanamo are recaptured fighting against American forces. Perhaps the best way to indoctrinate someone against you is to hold them captive indefinitely without even enough evidence for your own justice system to make it legal. Perhaps torture them with "Barney the dinosaur" music just to make sure. Why is it that they've got the special word "lunatic" for people who stare at the moon...yet they don't they have a word for those who stare at the Sun? Oh yes they do; "Chavs". Big Brother "Like one minute you're inside a house, the next minute you're not." wow. Are you acrophobic or just plain stupid? They would give this years winner a talk show, a game show, a job presenting...but he's got no skills whatsoever; so don't expect the film, the book or the radio show just yet! Davina offers great advice to celebs. "You definitely should drink more, Caprice. Have a drink, it suits you!" said the presenter. The cure to your lack of personality and self protecting facade, or perhaps you've got far too much pride. Yes, rather than do some soul searching, or perhaps see a physiologist to deduce the reasons behind your withdrawn inhibitions, why not just have a drink and save us all the bother!! Prisoners complain that prison life is shit and demand compensation. Why did you put me in these conditions? said the prisoner who obviously hasn't heard of self determination. General public complain that paying for prisoners is shit and demand compensation. We already pay over 14 thousand pounds per year per "guest"...and you complain that it's only got one star and isn't featured on any of the AA's guides. When you get out and are no longer a danger to us, there's still the small matter of the tab... G8 protestors wreak Carnoustie in bid to save the planet. Orphaned mathematician located in artic station said to be a "cold calculating bastard". |
Bush declares war on planet earth against planet earth. In responsible to natural disaster or "Eco-terrorism" event of 26th December, the government of the united states of America has declared war on nature. Until this elusive "Mother nature" (reported by intelligence sources to be behind this latest outrage) can be found, we have no alternative. The native Americans, Aborigines, Maoris, other indigenous peoples, members of Greenpeace and those who recycle have strong ties to this underground movement. They have a misguided believe in a peaceful co-existence with her, but we Americans say to you "you're either with us, or against us". Which web quiz are you? Which 80's TV character, which Marvel comic book hero, which venereal disease, which mental disorder, which sexual position, which band member, which despotic leader, which pet personality, which lip gloss flavour, which ... are you? If you answered mostly A, B or C...you're the kind of person who goes back and puts the answers in again to see if they can get a different result, the other even more life affirming one that gives you a glow inside, you pathetic excuse for a human being. Forward this to everyone you know immediately. Iraqi women look forward to prospect of new "freedoms" under a new constitution. President Bush said "they will produce a constitution based on their traditions and values"...compared to a western democracy is this a fit worse than OJ's glove? A new constitution which is likely to developed, at However, this to be ignoring the fact that women could walk freely, drive, work and hold positions of responsibility under Sadamn's regime. Contrast this to the prospect of freedom which woman may expect to enjoy in the new Iraq. Thanks USA! Freedom removed under the guise of democratic federalism instead of that of a dictatorship. Why would Sadamn allow fundamentalists to develop a network or any kind of grasp of authority which may threaten him while he was in power? Hussein's views could be positively feminist compared to what might happen. Burglars' rights, burglars' wrongs. Human rights? They're optional and dependant on circumstances. Sure prisoners, prisoners of war are protected by the Geneva convention...but burglars? So there are situations where shooting a person is an ok thing to do? Make a burglar fear for his life and he'll fight as if his life depends on it. Even with due judicial process, we don't have the death penalty in the UK for convicted murderers, let alone thieves. Yet you've got the right to be judge jury and executioner for a suspect who was, or might have been, intending to do something? What do we expect from a society where government ministers have the power to imprison people for what they suspect they "might do" (according to them, none of which they can tell us as it, very conveniently, would effect our safety). Pre-justice at its best. Perhaps the solution is to walk down the stairs carrying your own CD player saying "hoi...big Tony, looks like someone's on our patch". Or offer to give the guy a hand...I mean, you are insured, aren't you? Selection of liberal jokes courtesy of Graham Norton. Gay travel agents
always go out of business, 'cause they're always saying "Don't go there, girlfriend" but
it's easy to get a new job as puppeteer, like "Talk to the hand"
A nose job (I did say nose!!) can give a gay man a straight nose. Ceramic tongs
give gay woman straight hair. Makeover programs give straight men gay clothes...but
what do gay criminals say when they relinquish their life of crime? "I'm going
straight?" I don't think sooo!
Only his "A" material features the word "c*ck" in the punch line. Save the Black Watch. Emotive and illogical arguments rule the day as mothers-who-know-best (TM)
launch an outcry at the restructuring and modernisation of the armed services in
Scotland. A world war 2 veteran accused the government of attempting to destroy
a long and proud history of killing Johnnies' foreigner in a brave and heroic
manner for several hundred years. But of course, the government also plans to burn the historical records of all
the accomplishments of the old regiments along with moving the barracks, and
sacking of all the soldiers currently stationed in Iraq. The mothers and
veterans are obviously correct... what do all the so-called "experts" with their
so-called "experience" know about doing their own so-called "job"? We'd
much rather have the arrangement they've got a the moment (that means a few well
trained soldiers can get killed due to lack of body armour) than arrange better
logistical support- not possible with the current budget arrangements. Or am I
missing the point? Political powerhouse takes new stance on peace process. Famous for his strong refusal to budge an inch to Republican demands, Ian
"No, No, No means NO, Never" Paisley learnt a new word at Sunday school class.
"Why?" said the Reverend, "why why why why why why?" This is outstanding progress commented Robert Winston. Toddlers first empower
themselves with the word "No" at a very young age, but later on begin to develop
a curiosity in the world around them...the anthropological progression from "no"
to "why" is the first logical step in child development. "Why?" Ian interjected. New years dishonoured list International footballer admits beating his wife- but still a nice guy, cheeky chappy
hero who said "sorry". International cricketer denies beating his wife- an asshole, that sort of thing
is unforgivable. When a football commentator makes a nasty remark which is picked up by foreign
microphones and broadcast to foreign audience...old phrases involving sticks and
stones do not apply. What we're ultimately talking about is how people treat
each other. If it was an off-colour gesture muttered to himself out of frustration-
as he claimed, or heartfelt racist sentiments let slip...are either more damaging
or less
forgivable, less tolerable than hitting, or cheating on,
one's wife?? If any of these things are said to be cultural influences...how do
characters such as Alf Garnett effect social morality?
"Thierry 'enry...what a striker...truly world class. Nigerian squad...a great
bunch of lads." the overcompensation which followed was salt in the wound. Which
child didn't said "fuck" because they knew it was a bad thing to say? The N word
is the forbidden fruit of expletives, unless you're a rapper, which Atkinson
clearly isn't! Da Don't Ron Ron Ron. International footballer cheats on his wife- we forgive the golden boy and
presume the wife deserves it. If we're talking about role models and crimes
against the person. Is a simpleton who cheats on his wife and gets red carded
twice while playing for England a suitable role model for anyone? Simply because
he's rich and handsome; This champagne drinking chav-in-boots is equally happy
drinking pints and sleeping with women who pleasure pigs for fame. Thus proving;
money can't buy you class, judgement or taste; but it can get you a plastic pop
star wife and a stupid haircut. |
Pepsi, IBM and Adidas breath sigh of relief that they aren't quite big enough to attract as much negative publicity as their evil siblings. Burger "you're the boss" King employees fail to respond to customer's call of "You're fired". New dead sparrow and dormouse flavour whiskers: 9 out of 10 cats prefer it (9/10 owners don't). When exactly did your tabby last eat "beef" in the wild? You wouldn't feed a lion mice...why would you feed a cat beef? Better make sure he doesn't get a taste for it, or you might find one of the local farmer's heifers' bloody corpse lovingly dragged to your front doorstep. Certainly lions eat buffalo, but which particular cat eats tuna or dives for deep sea herring? New official Scottish national dress unveiled: Burberry so' ester and a stab proof jacket; reversible with old firm colours. Fat bastard claims that his fast food diet helps him keep his shape- round. Thomson provides voiceover for current Coca-Cola commercials. "Cold toes" and "Slow show" star is well know for things other than his advertising of the diet stuff; his insatiable fondness for regular coke. Get out your shell (or your head). Break the mould... plastic shop dummies become alive thanks to a "system error" which put
branded products on their Burglar causes offence by stealing only selected excerpts of your CD collection. "What? Wasn't the rest of it good enough for you, you bastard? What's wrong with my music taste?" Scientist frustrated by shampoo adverts non compliance with S.I naming convention. Hair product contains "special ingredient" complete bullshit non scientific name. S.I. or imperial. Nurtilium? I know that acetone and ethanol are the same thing...but what is that? Berillyum? What are the active functional groups? Prof D. Malone has not been so annoyed since the invention of the widget and is still to find the claimed 3rd action of "triple action" dishwasher tablets.. Man climbing building dressed as batman proves he is fit aerobically (but perhaps not paternally). Social outcast joins cult and becomes their least popular member. "It's so cleeky". Political wing of terrorist group deeply offended for being accused of links with bank robbers. "murderers, yes, but to insinuate we associate with common thieves? How dare you!" Hidden subliminal message found in the da Vinci code. "Bore your workmates with talk about this book" In one of his final cogent outbursts John Paul II called the DaVinci code, Darwin’s book on evolution and every other religious book that isn’t the actual bible “a pack of lies”. Oh, and Thomas the Tank Engine is blasphemous shite too; everyone knows possessed rolling stock is the devils work. Only a Anglican could write such evil. "Did I mention that priceless religious artefacts available in the foyer now; reasonably priced?" Blue collar hides red neck. |
| Del on earth |
least in part, by the
hard line Islamist portion of the democratically elected government...however
not having the right to do something you'd be unlikely to do...is it relevant?
If they banned naked winter bungee jumping, I wouldn't feel much of an urge to protest.
