Review of Lonely Hearts by Kelly Ann EPISODE: LONELY HEARTS THE NEVERENDING STORY PART IV: THE VAMPIRE YEARS SUMMARY/PRAISE/SNIDE COMMENTS Previously on Angel: Doyle made us watch wig-impaired flashbacks, Angel checked out Cordelia's tight dress. TEASER Angel sits in his dark office, contemplating how crappy his unlife has become. Someone turns on the lights and Angel grimaces and rubs his eyes so we know that he has been sitting there for a long time. Doyle walks in and reminds Angel that he is supposed to be out mingling with the unwashed masses. Not this again!! We got it, Doyle, enough already. He tells Angel that he should be out socializing instead of "moping around in the dark like a--" "A vampire?" finishes Angel. Doyle says they should all go out somewhere, but Angel doesn't want to play matchmaker, so he says that Doyle should just ask Cordelia out himself. Doyle asks Angel to put in a good word for him. Angel says he barely knows Doyle, to which Doyle responds "Well, perfect. That should make it easier for you then." We hear Cordy enter the outer office and Doyle tells Angel not to mention that he is half-demon because women don't like that sort of thing. The look on Angel's face cracks me up. Cordy breezes in and says that their "calling cards" have arrived. I hope they got the ones where you earn frequent flyer miles every time you call long distance. Oh, wait, she's talking about business cards. Okay. Doyle makes a Batman reference. Angel and Doyle look at the cards and are confused by the logo. Is it a butterfly? No. Is it an owl? No. Are the Powers That Be smacking their foreheads right now and wondering how this crack investigative team can possibly fight the forces of darkness? Probably. It seems obvious to me that it's an angel, but whatever. My only gripe is that it's kind of cutesy; I just don't see it striking fear into the hearts of evildoers. Cordy hits Doyle because he's so dense, and he doubles over and starts gasping in pain. He sees weird colored lights and people moving in slow motion. I am so glad I never dropped acid, because those flashbacks are a bitch. I gag as something comes out of Doyle's nose. That, my friends, is ACTING. I hope Angel got around to buying that box of tissues. I'm feeling a little grossed out, so to distract myself I contemplate how nice Angel looks in another one of those shirts that is just clingy enough. Oops, I stand corrected on the LSD thing. It turns out that Doyle was having a vision. He was right about them being painful, because I was certainly suffering. Yuck. I hope when they make the Doyle action figure they don't include a vision-booger as one of the accessories. Doyle says that all he saw in the vision was some club that he describes as "stuck in the 80's." I wish that were all I had seen. Angel says that they're going out after all. We see the outside of the club, which is called D'Oblique. The marquee above the door says they have "dancing nightly" and "two bars." Wow, with inventive crowd-pleasers like that they must be really packing them in. A blonde girl at the bar is approached by a marginally attractive guy. His name is Kevin, her name is Sharon. Kevin says, "God, I really hate places like this, don't you?" Well, Kevin, if she doesn't then I guess you just insulted her, which is always a good first step when trying to pick up chicks. The camera zooms in on Kevin as the music fades, so we know he is evil. ACT ONE Rapid-fire images of a bunch of extras on the D'Oblique set, trying to look like they are having fun. In the only shot worth mentioning, a blonde girl sits alone at a table, looking forlorn. Some guy walks up and points to the empty chair at her table. She smiles and nods. He picks up the chair and walks away. Ha! Loser. Back to Kevin and Sharon. They are discussing how hard it is to meet people. Kevin is handing Sharon a big old line of bullshit and I can't figure out if we are supposed to think that Sharon is pretending to buy it, or if the girl portraying her is just a really bad actress. Angel, Doyle and Cordy enter. Angel is wearing a nice black leather jacket. Since they have no idea what their assignment is, they split up to look for either someone in trouble or someone who deserves a sound spanking at the hands of undead justice. In the most unbelievable scene in this whole episode, Angel walks up to the bar and the bartender asks him what he wants before he has even attempted to make eye contact, gesture, or frantically wave around a twenty dollar bill. Yeah, right. Angel asks the bartender if he has seen anything unusual or dangerous. The bartender says that the best chicks don't "mosey" in until later. Thanks for the tip, pardner. Angel looks as confused by the bartender's choice of words as I am. Cordy is making the rounds, handing out business cards and insults: "Hey, you look troubled. Or is that just your lazy eye?" Hee hee. Doyle rushes up and tells her she is being too obvious, that they don't want the heat thinking that Angel is some kind of vigilante. I think it would be cool to know a vigilante, but I've never met one. But I do know a repo man. Anyway, Doyle and Cordy have a dull conversation, the sole purpose of which is to point out that Kevin and Sharon are leaving together. Cut to Angel at the bar, talking to a guy who must buy his clothes at the same store Angel does. The guy shakes his head and walks away, looking irritated. "Seriously," Angel calls after him, "I wasn't hitting on you." Ha! Angel leans against the bar, looking annoyed. Some blonde girl sitting at the bar is watching him. There must have been a 3-for-1 sale on blondes at the Screen Actor's Guild this week. From the looks of it, they were pretty picked over by the time the AtS casting director got there, because this one has really bad posture. Quasimodo asks Angel if he is okay and he seems shocked and then confused by the question, even repeating it back to her in disbelief. I'm not sure why. She tells him that he looks "bad," then stammers, "You don't look bad, you look nice." I scowl. "Thanks," says Angel, looking a little bit too pleased with the compliment for my taste. Quasimodo asks if he is thanking her for saying he looked bad or saying he looked nice and he kinda smiles at her and says, "You choose. I'm Angel." What?!?! All of a sudden Angel is a smooth operator? Miss Quasimodo's name is Kate. Angel asks Kate if she is in need of some rescuing. Wow, check out Mr. Secret Agent Man and his clever reconnaissance skills. He is smiling at her way too much. Kate says she doesn't really like D'Oblique but it's either hang out here or "sit at home in the dark." "Wouldn't want that," Angel mutters. Since I don't like this scene I will take a moment to add that people are always trying to get me to go out to clubs and I find it rather irritating, so I am totally relating right now. I much prefer to sit home alone and write lengthy reviews of a TV show about a vampire. Kate asks our boy what he does for a living and he stammers, "I, uh, well, basically, I'm, uh, I help...I'm a veterinarian." That was funny, and almost made up for the rest of the scene. Doyle and Cordy are across the room at the other bar, enjoying their unbelievable good fortune at having found a place that has two. Doyle is doing shots, probably whiskey, cuz ya know, he's Irish. Cordy says his visions are lame and vague. She forgot "gross." Some guy in a loud shirt walks up with one of the Angel Investigations business cards and asks Cordelia if he can call her for a date. Doyle gets jealous. Loud Shirt implies that Cordy is a hooker. Doyle speaks up and Loud Shirt tells him to butt out and calls him a "wipe." That must have been what Doyle meant when he said this place was stuck in the 80s, because I'm pretty sure that's what decade it was the last time I heard someone use that particular insult. Angel and Kate are sitting at the bar together and Kate shows us what her bad posture looks like from the front. Extremely flattering. She tells Angel she has trouble trusting men and that most people don't show you who they really are. Hmmm....like, vampires maybe? Then there's a whole boring exchange about how Kate is a self-flagellating hypocritical drunken slut. She said it, not me. Kate says that she just wants to "make a connection." Insert your own Oprah joke here. Kate then asks Angel if he wants to go someplace quiet so they can talk, but our boy says he has to stay at the club. REJECTED!! Back to Doyle and Cordelia. This pointless scene with Loud Shirt just will not end. Loud Shirt's friend joins them and Loud Shirt tells him that Cordy is a hooker and Doyle is her pimp. Cordy gets in his face but Doyle restrains her, saying there is no need for violence. Then he punches Loud Shirt. Oh, the hilarity. That was so unexpected. Cordy stands to the side saying things like "Oh my gosh!" and "Oh my God!" as the fight escalates. Angel jumps into the fray and uses a chair to kick some butt. Tex the Bartender moseys over and breaks up the fight. He kicks Loud Shirt and his friend out, saying that they always cause trouble. Oddly, not only does Tex not toss Doyle and Angel out on their delectable demon asses, he actually thanks them, which seems wrong to me. Because I don't go to bars very often and I'm not much of a brawler, I decide to call an expert consultant, someone who has been in a bar fight or two. So after I finish telling my dad what's new in my life, he does indeed confirm that in a situation like this it is customary to ask all parties involved to leave immediately. Anyway, some red-headed twit in a strappy dress rushes up to Angel and asks if he is okay. She flirts obviously and badly, and Angel for some reason thinks she might be the victim of the week, but I know she can't be because she is not blonde. Her name is Marcie and she says, "It's wild, us meeting over a bar fight," like they are reminiscing about their relationship a year down the road or something. She mentions Oprah's book too. I can't even bring myself to mention the rest of the painful dialogue that stinks up this scene. Kate sees Angel talking to Marcie and is ticked off. Angel sees her get ticked and feels bad, because he never passes up an opportunity to feel guilty. Kate flips him off as she leaves the bar. Well, not really, but I think that would have been funny. Somewhere in a more realistic dimension, Angel would finally get the bartender's attention right about now. Cut to those crazy lovebirds Kevin and Sharon. They are in bed, staring at the ceiling. They have the dismal look of a sexual encounter gone bad. Or gone too quickly. Or maybe not gone at all. Anyway, Sharon starts to leave but Kevin says he just wants to hold her a little. Surprisingly, she doesn't laugh in his face, which is what I would probably do if some guy said that to me. Sharon doesn't look like she wants to stay, but agrees. Back to Angel, Cordy and Doyle. They are still at the club, because the writers think that if they make them stay there long enough something interesting will happen. The place is empty, so I guess hours have elapsed. Sure feels that way here in my "library." You'll understand that joke in minute. Anyway, they are sitting around trying to figure out what they missed, since they don't think the higher powers would send them to stop a dumb bar fight. Yeah, especially since Doyle started the fight. I know he's anxious to make an impression with his nifty visions, but he has to know that no good can come of that kind of fakery. Hasn't he ever seen "Backdraft"? Angel has taken his jacket off and it's a good thing. Angel complains about the lack of information in Doyle's vision. Aside, ya know, from what the contents of his nasal passages look like. Angel says, "This socializing thing is brutal." Exactly. That's why I avoid it. He says that when he was young he went to bars and it wasn't like this at all. No electricity or running water, for starters. Cordy chimes in that it was easy to date in high school, because everyone had so much in common. That doesn't sound at all like my high school experience, but okay. Hey, that's right, Cordy is supposed to be a teenager! I keep forgetting. She then points out that being single must be really hard on Angel, since his curse prevents him from doing anything about it, just in case we have not caught onto the duality of this story line. It's morning and we're back to Kevin and Sharon. Sharon is sitting on the bloody bed, casually getting dressed. The camera pulls back to reveal that Kevin is dead. Wow, I've had bad sex, but I usually convey my disappointment with a well-timed sarcastic remark--and some people think that's a little ungracious. This chick is brutal! I have an ex-boyfriend I'd like to set her up with. ACT TWO Nightfall again. Angel, Cordy and Doyle are back at the office. I really need to come up with a Scooby Gangesque name for these three, because I am getting sick of typing their names over and over and this is only the second episode. They are doing research. Angel is in one of those stupid baggy button-down shirts again. After all that crap I sat through in the last act, you'd think he could take his shirt off for a while, or at least wear a tighter one. Cordy is at the computer and Doyle is searching the papers. There's a cute scene where Angel gets frustrated with Cordy's typing skills. Doyle moves in to help, prompting the mandatory Internet porn reference. They find newspaper articles about an eviscerated corpse and a missing girl, both of whom were last seen at D'Oblique. Angel Investigations, by the way, has the fastest Internet connection known to man. Angel says that he is going back to D'Oblique and I bury my head in my hands and weep. Our boy tells Cordy and Doyle to go downstairs to "the library" and look up eviscerating demons. The library? I've got a couple hundred books in my living room, and I don't refer to it as "the library." Angel and Kate literally bump into each other outside of D'Oblique. Wonderful, more Kate. Because another interminable club scene in itself wasn't going to be torture enough. Angel apologizes for the night before and Kate says he can buy her a drink and start fresh. Angel looks uncomfortable and tells her that she shouldn't go in because it isn't safe. Kate gets suspicious and asks where he's going and he admits he's going into the club. Kate gets pissed off and tells him that she can go wherever she wants and he can go to hell. "Been there, done that," says Angel as she flounces away ("Becoming Part II"). Yeah, and all he got was this lousy T-shirt. And bounced out of the demon dimension onto a cold marble floor, minus his clothes and a couple thousand brain cells ("Beauty & The Beasts"). Ah, good times. Kate sits at the bar inside the club. Tex is working again, and he asks her if she wants her "usual," which appears to be ice water. We see Angel come into the scene behind her and he hesitates, then decides to go sit down a few feet away. I guess that's something to be thankful for, because I can't take any more flirting or sexual-tension-disguised-as-animosity between those two. Kate sees him and looks away, shaking her head. She makes a comment about men to the girl next to her and whaddya know, the girl is Sharon. She's talking to some guy who is whining about how hard it is to meet people. He says he was a geek in high school and makes an X-Files reference. Time slows to a crawl as this scene goes on and on. Geekazoid says that he couldn't get a date to save his life. A streak that will remain intact, if our suspicions about Sharon are correct. Some guy walks up to the bar next to Angel and asks Tex if he's seen Kevin. I've seen him, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel like hanging out. Tex, who is mixing numerous drinks that all look like ice water, tells Friend of Kevin that he hooked up with some girl. "What girl?" asks Angel. Doyle and Cordy are in the "library" looking up demons in Angel's books. Cordy says demons are disgusting, Doyle tries to convince her otherwise, blah blah blah, like we didn't already know this. I don't think we needed this conversation to establish that Cordy doesn't like demons. And they shouldn't be talking in the library anyway. We are dragged back to D'Oblique. You've got to be kidding me! That Ken Burns Civil War documentary moves faster than this. Tex says Kevin went home with Sharon, but when he tries to point her out we see she has already left with Geekazoid. Friend of Kevin knows Sharon and he says that Kevin is "scraping the bottom of the barrel." He obviously hasn't gotten a good look at Kate yet. Angel asks if anyone knows Sharon's last name and Friend of Kevin tells him, sheepishly admitting he's scraped that particular barrel himself a few times. Our boy rushes to the pay phone and finds Sharon's listing. He tears out the page and takes it with him as Kate looks on. Angel has just ruined the only existing public phone book in LA. Now we're back to Sharon and Geekazoid, who are in bed staring grimly at the ceiling. I think of the bad sex she had earlier with Kevin and it occurs to me that the common denominator here is Sharon. Just when I've made up my mind that she must be really bad in the sack, Geekazoid says, "I'm sorry. I wanted this to go better." I wince. Please don't say anything else, Geekazoid. "Maybe I was trying too hard," he continues. Someone shut him up! Doesn't he know he's just making it worse? Have some dignity, for chrissakes. "Next time it'll be better," he promises as I cover my ears and shriek. Sharon nudges him and says, "Roll over," and I wonder just how much they are allowed to show on the WB. Geekazoid rolls over on his side and they spoon. Oh, that's what she meant. Angel is running down the sidewalk, searching for an address. Or the end of this episode, I'm not sure. Back at the House o' Bad Sex, a prop Joss stole from the set of that "Alien" movie he wrote pops out of Sharon's chest and burrows into Geekazoid's back. It sounds squishy. Angel bursts into the apartment. Since he wasn't invited, it doesn't look good for Sharon. He walks slowly toward the bedroom, where her corpse is sprawled on the bed. Now that's gotta be disappointing. I wonder if Angel has a contingency plan just in case this superhero thing doesn't take. Geekazoid is pulling his shirt over his head as the alien disappears into his back. He turns to Angel and says, "You're not human." Angel replies in kind, then tells him that the killing has to stop. Yeah, give him a stern talking to. That'll stop him. Alien Geekazoid says that he won't stop until he finds the right body to live in. He and Angel exchange blows and Angel vamps out in 1950's-horror-movie-style by getting thrown to the floor and popping up in gameface. The make-up looks better this week. Alien Geekazoid is really strong and he is pretty much kicking our hero's ass. At one point he picks Angel up and throws him into the wall, and Angel literally flips through the air. Cool. But just as things are getting good, Kate rushes in. Doesn't she have any friends of her own? Angel de-vamps before she sees his face. He acknowledges that finding him in Sharon's apartment with her corpse might seem a little suspicious. Kate pulls out a gun and a badge. Apparently in LA they have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to vandalizing phone books. ACT THREE Kate starts to read Angel his rights but he says he waives them. He looks kinda cute with that little cut on his forehead. He asks her how she found him and she says that she has been following him since the night before. Does she mean since he dropped her like a hot rock for the redhead at D'Oblique? Because if that's the case I think she might have some issues. Angel tries to explain that he is after the killer too and Kate asks him if he is a private investigator. Angel tells her that he is "more or less," and when she asks if he has a license he says, "That's the less part." Not to mention the fact that you suck at saving people, candypants. Kate taunts Angel, saying that the killings are the work of an "impotent sicko," which makes me laugh because we all know that Angel might have a sexual problem, but it is definitely not impotence ("Innocence"). She says that he kills people because he can't "connect." Actually, I think he kills people when he does "connect," if you know what I mean. "How do you get them to trust you, Angel?" she continues, "Give them the big dark eyes, the I'm-not-good-with-talk-speech?" Works for me. He baits her in return by reminding her about her inability to trust people and she gets mad, shoving him against the wall as he rolls his eyes. Doesn't it suck when you tell a suspected serial killer all your personal fears and then he throws them back in your face later? I hate that. Kate gets one handcuff on him before Angel kicks her and dives out the window. But he does apologize ahead of time for kicking her, which is nice. He lands on a parked car and runs away as she watches from the window, catching one last glimpse of that set of handcuffs she will never see again. Alien Geekazoid is perched on the ledge outside the window. Doyle and Cordelia arrive at Cordy's apartment carrying Angel's library. Cordy's apartment is messy and Doyle is shocked. "I thought girls like pretty things, " he says. We do, Doyle, but some of us will settle for ugly things with big bank accounts or big…uh, nevermind. Cordy gets defensive and he tells her that he thinks it's "refreshing" to see a girl living like that. "Ya know, it means you're not uptight. You live in the moment." Doyle, honey, if you're into that you need to stop by my house sometime. I haven't actually put away an article of clothing or a CD in two years. Then he steps in a bowl that has been left on the floor. It looks like it has old cottage cheese in it. "You're disgusting," says Doyle. I wouldn't point fingers if I were you, Mucus Boy. There's a knock at the door and it's Angel. "Oh my god, are you okay?" Cordy asks. I'm not sure what she's talking about, unless she is referring to that cut he had on his forehead in the last scene. If so, someone needs to cuff the continuity person upside the head, because it isn't there anymore. Angel stands in the doorway all self-conscious and says, "I-I can't--uh--." I love it when he gets embarrassed when he needs an invite. Cordy invites him in and Doyle makes a comment about Angel's appearance too. I'm still not seeing it. Angel tells them that Kate is a cop and he's a suspect in Sharon's murder. Then he pauses and looks around. "You actually live here?" he asks Cordy. From this angle it looks like he might have a bruise on his face, but that could be the lighting. Maybe that's what Doyle and Cordelia were referring to. Getting back to the issue at hand, Angel says that he saw the demon and it's a "burrower." "It's a donkey?" says Cordy, "Oh, we didn't see any donkey demons." Angel and Doyle look at her like she's an idiot. Angel says it eviscerates people when it moves from body to body and can switch only after an "exchange of fluids." Wow, that's eloquent. Just because you can't do it doesn't mean you have to talk about it like that, Angel. Our boy says he is going back to D'Oblique and I slump over on my couch, twitching and frothing at the mouth. He says he knows he can recognize it even if it's in a different body. He is sure it will keep trying to "make a connection." And why will it do that? "Because that's what lonely people do," he says as he walks out the door. My eyes glaze over. Some depressing music signals a montage. Alien Geekazoid is talking to some Asian girl. Kate enters Angel Investigations. Some goth guy drones on about a dying rose. Angel wanders through the bar, looking for the donkey demon. Kate opens Angel's refrigerator. Goth Boy warbles on. Angel continues to wander. I bang my head against my coffee table, hoping to knock myself unconscious. Kate checks out Angel's Wall o' Weapons. Donkey Demon is in the Asian girl. Ya know, Halloween is every day. Angel trudges down the sidewalk in near broad daylight. Angel enters Cordy's apartment and sees Doyle and Cordy sleeping on the couch. He slams the door to wake them up. That was kind of rude. Angel is frustrated because he can't find the Donkey Demon. He's already got a pretty high body count for a guy who has only been on the job two weeks. Cordelia says the demon's name is Tahlmer, but I'm still going to call him Donkey Demon. She says he can be killed with fire and Angel points out that he and Donkey Demon have that in common. Well, I guess if I wanted to I could just stop watching it here, since now I know how Angel is going to kill the bad guy, but there is always a chance that he might take his shirt off, so I persevere. Angel decides he needs Kate's help, so he calls her at work. I can't even muster the energy to address all the questions I have about that right now. Kate is not very receptive to Angel. He says he just wants to meet with her for five minutes, and Kate says that's no problem because she was planning on "walking into a serial killer's trap." If you ever need help with that, Kate, just let me know. I'm here for you. Angel tells her that if it makes her feel safe she can show up "armed, wired and covered by sharpshooters," which basically means he is calling her a big chicken. He then reinforces that clever bit of grade-school playground psychology by double-dog daring her to trust him. He hangs up without saying goodbye. Anyone looking for a Christmas present for Angel might consider a copy of "Etiquette for Dummies." Kate sits at a table at D'Oblique. I don't suppose there is any hope that the fire that is going to kill Donkey Demon will burn down this set, too. Tex asks Kate if she wants her usual and she flashes her badge. She asks Tex if he remembers the "tall, nice-looking" guy who "helped out" with the bar fight the other night. Helped out? I guess you could call it that. Tex does remember Angel, and he says that he will let Kate know if he sees him. Some scumbag walks up to Kate and sits down with her despite her protests. All those people who say Angel has bad hair should check out this guy's 'do and shut the hell up. He says stuff that is meant to make us believe he's Donkey Demon. Tex comes back and tells Kate that Angel is in the alley and she better hurry because he looks like he's getting ready to "rabbit." Who the hell wrote this guy's dialogue? Tex, by the way, almost manages to sound like he's not reading his lines directly from a cue card. Kate follows him out to the alley, where Tex clocks her on the head with a champagne bottle, knocking her out. He leans over her and opens his shirt, then rips hers open too. You go, Donkey Demon. Hey, wait a minute, what about the exchange of fluids thing? Just how far under the bottom of the barrel do you have to be when even a wormy Alien demon thingy doesn't want to take a poke at you ACT FOUR Donkey Demon is sticking out of Tex's chest and heading for Kate. Angel smacks Tex on the head with a piece of wood and the Donkey Demon slips back into Tex's body. Oh, sure, now he starts saving people. Angel moves Kate to safety as Tex tries to smush them with a beer keg. Angel and Tex exchange blows and Tex throws Angel up against a chain link fence. Angel holds onto the fence and swings his legs up around Tex's head, forcing Tex to look at his butt, but otherwise doing no real harm as far as I can tell. Kate looks horrified as she watches Tex writhe between Angel's legs. Yes, Kate, all the good ones are. Angel and Tex separate and Tex tosses our boy into the basement and throws Kate in after him, locking them in. Angel and Kate tumble down the stairs, landing in a tangled heap at the bottom. Now Kate is between Angel's legs. I need to find out where you get in line for that. Tex is checking himself out in the mirror and it's not good. His shirt is all bloody and he has a big fake looking flap of skin hanging off his forehead. He wanders through the club, trying to chat up one girl after another, but no luck. Back in the basement, Angel tries to bash down the door, but no luck there either. Hey, I have an idea: Tex can unlock the door and Angel can let Donkey Demon have Kate. That kills two birds with one stone. Or two birds and one irritating cop. Tex tells some girl he just wants to make a connection. Sigh. Angel tells Kate they are going to get out through a narrow window that is twenty or thirty feet up, depending on whether you listen to the dialogue or read the captions. Angel wraps his superhero grappling hook (and no, that's not a euphemism) around a wooden beam in the ceiling and Kate asks, "Who *are* you?" Michael Keaton's ears ring as millions of people across the country automatically reply, "I'm Batman." But before Angel can answer, he tugs on the rope and the wooden beam comes crashing to the floor. Ha! I love that! Kate pulls a gun out of an ankle holster and shoots the lock on the door. Tex is out in the street now, still trying to find a new body. He's really looking rough, kind of rotting right before our very eyes. He grabs a blonde girl (yes, another one) and pulls her into an alley, past a bunch of people huddled around a barrel with a fire burning in it. Cuz it is so bitterly cold in LA in October. Gee, I wonder how Angel will kill Donkey Demon?? Our hero and Tex fight some more and Angel takes a pretty good beating as Tex tosses him around like a rag doll. It would be neater if the fight scene didn't look so obviously staged. All the pausing and assuming positions is really obvious. Angel's just about done for when he finally flips Tex into the barrel o' fire. Tex bursts into flames but he figures he might as well take Angel out with him, so he stumbles toward our boy, who is gasping and shaking on the ground, apparently unable to get up. Just when we think that Tex Flamb� is going to fall on Angel and burn him up, killing the show's main character and ending the first season of the WB's newest cash cow after only two episodes, Kate shoots Tex. Whew. That was so close. Firetrucks and ambulances are on the scene. Angel walks up to Kate, who tells him that it all adds up because Tex the Bartender was connected to all the victims. She is blaming herself for not realizing it sooner. Hey, don't feel bad, look how many people have died on Angel's watch so far. "It's hard to get to know people," says Angel, by way of comfort. Kate says that she never thanked Angel for saving her life. Angel says that saving his life was a start. I roll my eyes. Then Kate confesses that she searched Angel's place without a warrant, and compliments him on his unique decorating style. Angel asks why she is telling him this and she says that she wants them to start fresh, with no secrets. Go ahead, Angel, tell her your secrets. No? Okay, maybe later. He hands her his card and says that she should call him if she ever needs anything. Like her handcuffs? She looks at the card and says, "What is this, a lobster?" With all these impressive deductive reasoning skills flying around, it'll be a miracle if they ever save anyone on this show again. And that is the last joke I want to hear about that damn logo. Angel looks embarrassed and takes the card back, telling her that he will "be around." Uh, Angel? She just told you that she broke into your place--I think she knows where to find you. Someone we will never see again on the show calls Kate's name and she turns away for a second, giving Angel time to disappear. TAG Another night shot of LA. Angel, Doyle and Cordy are at Angel Investigations. Angel stumbles and stammers on about how he knows they have been working hard so he thinks "...we could...well, ya know...maybe, uh...go out. Ya know...for fun?" I like how he finishes the sentence like it's a question, because I'm just as skeptical that it would actually be fun. Lord, he's adorable. "Or, we could go home," says Cordelia, making for the door. "And you could sit in the dark, alone," adds Doyle, following her. "God, yes, thank you," sighs Angel, relieved. He heads for his desk, kind of smiling. He sits down and the lights go out. We hear the outer door close and Cordy and Doyle leave. Angel sits at his desk in the dark. NOW TELL US WHAT YOU REALLY THINK IN GENERAL This episode was about establishing Angel as a tragic romantic figure, and setting us up for Kate/Angel sexual tension. Since I already know that he is a tragic romantic figure, no news there. I have to admit that I was hoping that they would wait at least a few more eps before introducing the romantic interest, because I like living in denial. For once, I am *so* grateful for that curse. NEW CHARACTERS Cop Lady Kate I really want to give her a chance, since it would be so easy to just hate her on principal because she's an interloper. With so little to go on, it wouldn't be fair to pass judgement on her character at this point. But who the hell am I kidding? I can't stand her! She's abrasive and mean and not very smart for a cop. Even if she does get more likable, that won't change that fact that she was introduced in this ep, so she'll always have that going against her. Ya know how if you drink too much rum or something and then you puke it all up you forever hate rum? Well, I think I am never going to like Kate because she will always remind me of this episode. And of puking, I guess, now that I've made the comparison. FAMILIAR CHARACTERS Angel I'm still liking the fact that people keep dying when he's around. Now THAT'S a superpower. Cordelia Not only does she live in a really crappy apartment, but she's a slob. I like it. Doyle Two words for you, honey: nasal spray. THUMBS UP Doyle & Angel I like the way these two interact. Give me more. Angel dives out a window! That was just cool. THUMBS DOWN Donkey Demon Our little Alien really pales in comparison to Russell Winters. While it seems like a great idea to have a villain who keeps switching bodies, it makes it hard to give the bad guy any real presence. Don't get me wrong, I liked the way this episode kept turning the tables on us as far as who the killer was, but it was definitely not the most memorable of baddies. Overdressed Angel They couldn't come up with one lousy excuse for him to take off his shirt? Next week I wanna see some skin, damn it! Okay, Now You Act Like You're Punching Me I was seriously awed by how staged and choppy the fight scenes looked, particularly the final scene in the alley between Angel and Donkey Demon. That was just plain bad. Angel: "So - Marcie from Barstow. That doesn't even rhyme or anything." KELLYANN'S CHECKLIST X Angel Vamps Out X Angel Snarls/Growls X Angel Uses Vampire Speed/Strength X Angel Requests An Invite Angel Has No Reflection Angel In Flames X Angel In Leather X Angel Smiles Angel Cries Angel Gets Sweaty Angel Shirtless Angel Naked Angel In Chains Angel Gets Tortured Angelus Moment MISCELLANY The Ick Factor Doyle's yucktastic visionquest, Cordy's cottage cheese lab experiment, burrowing demons, and let's not forget Kate. At some point we are going to find out that the "Powers" are actually the Farrelly brothers. The "You Have No Idea How Right You Are" Award Goes To Cop Lady Kate: (to Angel) "It's frustrating, isn't it, not being able to connect, to love like other people?" THE FINAL VERDICT This thing dragged like the muffler on my neighbor's Monte Carlo. I seriously considered giving it an even lower rating, but then I went back and looked at the things I really enjoyed about it. Which took like 10 seconds. I'm giving "Lonely Hearts" 3 out of 5 Pairs of Leather Pants. 1
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