WOMEN - AN ANALYSIS Element: Woman Symbol: Wa Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Generally 10-50 lbs less than actual recorded Occurance: Largely clustered around urban areas, particularly within easy access to shopping malls. Properties: Surface generally treated with chemical embellishments and preservatives Alternatively boils over and freezes for no apparent reason Melts if given special treatment Becomes bitter with improper care Various states from virgin metal to common ore Yields to pressure applied to specific areas Attracts precious metals and stones Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances May explode spontaneously in close proximity to a male of the species Insoluable in liquids, but activity greatly increases when saturated with alcohol The most powerful money-reducing agent known Common Uses: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars Can be a great aid to relaxation and tension release Tests: Pure specimens turn pink when discovered in its natural state Turns green when placed near a superior specimen Hazards: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands Illegal to possess more than one at any one time

MEN - AN ANALYSIS Element: Man Symbol: Ma Discoverer: (Currently under debate) Atomic Mass: Insignificant (see Size) Size: Varies greatly due to individual methods of measurement. Directly proportional to the size of the Ego. Occurance: Often found in bars, sporting areas, or in front of a television set. Properties: Surface often covered with hair which may be mechanically removed and replanted on top of head May solidify at very inopportune times Wilts without proper care and handling Able to absorb vast amounts of liquid day after day Prone to explosive leakage when excited Apparently contains its brains in its reproductive system Suffers a severe chemical imballance in close proximity to a mother-in-law Able to lift twice its own weight but unable to pick up a dish towel Shrinks significantly when immersed in cool water Able to press buttons on remote control devices without exhaustion Common Uses: (Apparently serves no other practical use beyond expanding a bank account) Tests: Will eat live goldfish if dared but won't eat quiche if paid Secretly evaluates superiority of similar specimens and immediately forgets those that it finds Hazards: Highly explosive, especially in experienced hands Never gets lost Would rather eat quiche than ask for directions