"I'm going fishing."
--- Really means ---
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
--- Really means ---
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
--- Really means ---
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
--- Really means ---
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
--- Really means ---
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
--- Really means ---
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
--- Really mean ---
Absolutely nothing. They're a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
--- Really means ---
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
--- Really means ---
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
--- Really means ---
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
--- Really means ---
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
--- Really means ---
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
--- Really means ---
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
--- Really means ---
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
--- Really means ---
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
--- Really means ---
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
--- Really means ---
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
--- Really means ---
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
--- Really means ---
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
--- Really means ---
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
--- Really means ---
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
--- Really means ---
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
--- Really means ---
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
--- Really means ---
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
--- Really means ---
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
--- Really means ---
"I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
--- Really means ---
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
--- Really means ---
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
--- Really means ---
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
--- Really means ---
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
--- Really means ---
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
--- Really means ---
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
--- Really means ---
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
--- Really means ---
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
--- Really means ---
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
--- Really means ---
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
--- Really means ---
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
--- Really means ---
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
--- Really means ---
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
--- Really means ---
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
--- Really means ---
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
--- Really means ---
"It was 'free ice scraper' night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
--- Really means ---
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
--- Really means ---
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
--- Really means ---
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
--- Really means ---
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
--- Really means ---
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
--- Really means ---
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
--- Really means ---
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
--- Really means ---
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
--- Really means ---
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
--- Really means ---
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
--- Really means ---
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
--- Really means ---
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."