No-Find Nessie

No-one has ever been able to find the Loch Ness Monster, but no-one has ever not found Nessie better than 4 firemen who gave it a shot in 1975.

Now, Nessie is only human, right? Nessie gets lonely, right? Nessie gets... well... you know, right? So these four guys thinks to themselves, "Hey! Let's seduce him! We'll just make ourselves a coquettish Nessie-ette and lure that horny little devil right to the surface!" After all, no male in his right mind can go without getting laid for over a century, right? The guy was ripe for plucking, and the firemen were going to pluck their way into history!

Well, they did... sorta...

They spent countless weekends building a large, 30-foot long papier mâché monsterette complete with long, seductive eyelashes (no male in his right mind can resist long eyelashes, right?), an outboard motor, and a pre-recorded mating call. They painted Nessie-ette a nice, monsterish blue and green and then set out to woo their boy to the surface. They travelled for 15 miles, fluttering eyelashes and doing everything else they could think of to make Nessie-ette look as seductive and sexy as possible, but they met with only complete hormonal indifference from the Loch.

There were three possible solutions:

1 - They should have made their monster with a beard and moustache and called him Ralph.

2 - They shouldn't have used the mating call of a bull walrus.

3 - They shouldn't have used a faulty motor which sent Nessie-ette into a flat spin, veered her off backwards, and then grounded her belly-down across a jetty.