Down in My Cups
I humbly apologize for ignoring you guys, if anyone reads this blog on a regular basis. My work has gotten crazy, with me filling in for 2-4 other people on top of my normal duties. Yeah, this is a standard line for why most people forget to posts. But works seems to be filling my life too much here of late. Other than the quick, but jam packed trip up to Jackson Hole, my summer has been pretty ho-hum. No ones fault but my own really. I keep saying I’m going to take some time off and enjoy life a little bit more. But I never do. I tend to be a work-holic.
Add to that with me trying to finish a knitting project that requires my time from as soon as I get home to bedtime and that leaves me no time to blog. So unfortunately, you guys get short changed.
Forgive me if I’m a bit down in the cups so to speak. I really have no excuse, but nevertheless here I am. So if you don’t want to hear me being depressed, I would highly advise not reading this post. You have been warned.
I am depressed and a bit jealous. Today was my wonderful brother-in-law’s 25th birthday. I very much like my brother-in-law and consider him a part of the family. He is the perfect man for my sister and the best damn thing that has ever happened to her. Anyway, my sister for his birthday got him and herself a 7-day cruise to the Caribbean. Also, today my BIL walked into a very lovely fine jewelry store and bought my sister a stunning sapphire and diamond anniversary band since their wedding anniversary is coming up very soon.
I will admit they deserve the cruise: they could not afford a honeymoon when they got married last year. My sister also deserves the wedding band; they also could not afford to buy wedding bands at the time of the wedding. She has a lovely engagement ring but cannot wear it at this time. They have worked very hard the last year, paying off bills, working hard at demanding jobs, separated while my BIL is away on advance training for his job, etc, etc. They have earned this many, many times over. It is wonderful to watch them be able to do things they have dreamed and talked of doing for years.
So why am I jealous and hurt? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. I want to be able to go on a cruise, to have my husband to just decide to walk in a jewelry store on a whim to buy me fine jewelry, to have a yarn stash that will be the mother (or in my case, father) of all yarn stashes.
So why can’t I? Because I choose different things: I have a house payment, my sister doesn’t, I have 2 car payments, my sister has one, I have student loans that are greater than my 2 car payments, my sister has one loan that is an anthill to my mountain.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my house and would gladly take it over a cruise. The house sure beats the hell out of the apartment-dungeon we had prior. Both of our cars were on the last legs and no longer worked for us. (Two compact 2-door cars just do not work when you need to bring a new front door for the house. Grateful for my 2 current cars, but I do miss the really good gas mileage of those much beloved cars that served us faithfully for 6+ years).
But again, that is not the heart of it. Just once I want someone to do something wonderful, a bit outrageous, a bit extravagant, a bit over the top just for me. Chances are, it will never happen. I’m too practical and will never let it happen. The money a cruise or a sparkly wedding band would cost would easily finish up another remodeling project, make a sizable dent in my student loans, or go to things much more needed.
Now don’t think I’m a martyr. I don’t eat ramen noodles and live in a cardboard box. On the surface, I would appear to be a successful, professional woman: college degree, working on an advance degree, a good career with lots of potential, my own home, good cars, etc, etc.
I have lots of nice things: a very lovely engagement ring that I’m too scared to wear much because the prongs catch on everything. I drive very good vehicles; they may not be luxury cars, but I still hope to make them last 6-7 years. (I would hope so with the car payments). My house is nothing fancy, no custom-built, river-front manor, but still a wonderful starter house that is mine in a good neighborhood. I have a lovely sock-yarn stashette that is nothing to be ashamed of; no cheap acrylic yarn here.
I’m grateful with what I have and sometimes feel guilty for how much I do have. Sometimes I have to pinch myself realizing how far we have come the last few years.
The closest thing I have had to a real honest-to-goodness vacation is a very quick 5-day trip to the Oregon coast in which 2 of those days was spent driving there and back 2 years ago. Since then, it’s been a overnight trip here and there. I won’t know what a real vacation was if it smacked me alongside the head.
Hubby and I talked about an Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon. Didn’t happen since we were paying for our own wedding. Then there was talk about going for our 5th wedding anniversary. Didn’t happen, we bought the house. I’m not holding my breath for our 10th wedding anniversary.
Selfishly, I want my cake and to eat it too. And I know I can’t have it all. I may want it all, but I can’t.
But damnit! It still hurts. What’s the hell wrong with me?
I promise to be back to myself soon. I just need to be depressed and then get the hell over myself.