December 20, 2003

NEW CORPORATE MOVIES:  VOLUME TWO

-If you are just joining us, isn't it amazing that a big, multinational corporation like Disney can take one of their products - a creaky, old amusement park ride - and turn it into a movie, "Pirates of the Caribbean,"  that makes hundreds of millions of dollars?  All over America, companies are scheming to turn their brand name products into marketing bonanza blockbuster movies.  Somewhere in Atlanta, a young marketing executive is pitching a new film based on one of the Coca Cola Company's old, dormant brands.  Tab - the first mass marketed low calorie drink - now languishes on grocery store shelves, its cheery pink label gathering dust.  This could all change soon as our young executive tries to sell the obsolete beverage to a whole new young demographic of edgy, young fashion conscious consumers.  He outlines the project presenting a preview for a new major corporate motion picture:

TAB:  THE MOVIE

    The scene opens on the crowded, bustling kitchen of a posh restaurant near Central Park West in Manhattan.  The camera picks out a rail thin, incredibly handsome young waiter dressed in a white tuxedo.  With a light skip to his step, he weaves through the frenetic scene past busboys, chefs, and wait staff.  He totes a tray full of plates.  It is Justin Timberlake, and as he grabs a bread basket and adds it to his tray, he lets out a piercing "woo hoo" burst of scat singing at the sous chef and then busts a move, spinning and pointing as he pushes through the doors into the elegant  dining room.  He then lapses back into super straight waiter mode, as the NARRATOR announces:

    "Making it in Manhattan when you're young and talented has never been easy.  For TAB JONES, it means working long days as a waiter ..."

    TAB juggles two armfuls of plates and plasters a fake smile on his face as he accepts a two dollar tip from an old cigar-chomping fat cat.

    "...While trying to bust out and make the pumping hot music he hears in his head in the sweaty soul clubs at night."

    We see TAB in a typical small, smoky dive on a tiny stage backed by five young zoot suited black jazz musicians.  He yelps, screeches, and moonwalks across the little stage as the predominantly white audience ignores what looks like a spot on Michael Jackson impersonation.  The NARRATOR continues:

    "But if that isn't tough enough, TAB's life is filled with complications ..."

    Back in the restaurant, TAB ducks into the coat room.  The beautiful hostess MARIE, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, follows him.  In the tight confines of the dark room, TAB turns and bumps into Marie.

    "Excuse me.  The lady at table four wants this," TAB says as he holds up a hideous mink stroller.

    "And I want this," Marie says lustily as she runs her hands down the front of TAB's jacket then down the front of his pants.

    "Marie, Marie, Marie," TAB says charmingly as he tries to wiggle lose.  "You know your dad would kill us if he catches you with me.  Marie Genet, daughter of Emile Genet the city's wealthiest restaurateur, can't be seen with some kid from across the tracks.  If he caught us in here, he's say ..."

    "Do me! Do me! Do me!" Marie moans turning around, lifting up her dress, and grinding up against TAB.  The NARRATOR intones:

    "...and even more complications."

    The scene changes to the trendy, ultra-fashionable law offices of LAZ MENTHOL, New York's hottest young entertainment lawyer.  LAZ is super stylishly dressed in a cutting edge collarless Italian suit.  He is played by Freddie Prinze, Jr.  TAB dressed in stage clothes of a black, mesh wife beater t-shirt and leather pants is finishing a big pitch for a charity show.  On LAZ's desk is a mock up of a flier that reads, "The Big Throw Down at the Apollo." 

    " ... and if we make it happen," TAB says passionately, "think of how much money we could raise for those kids."

    "Maybe so," says LAZ.  "Maybe you have the moves, the grooves, and the pipes to rock the Apollo, but you don't have the cash to pay for the P.A., the security, or the event staff.  To me it all looks like just a crazy pipe dream."  The NARRATOR interjects:

    "But even TAB's complications have complications."

    "But it's our crazy pipe dream," TAB says as he steps behind the desk, sits on LAZ' lap, and begins to lovingly stroke his heavily gelled hair. 

    "Oh, TAB!" LAZ says as he tilts his chair back.  "I can never say no to you, love."  TAB gives him a passionate kiss then bounces off his lover's lap.  "But where are we going to get the rest of that money to pay for the show?"  LAZ asks, exasperated.

    The scene changes and we are back at the posh restaurant, this time in the deserted employee's locker room.  TAB stripped to mesh bikini briefs is hanging his waiter's uniform up in his locker.  MARIE sitting before him reaches up and stuffs an envelope full of cash into his shorts. 

    "I just hope it is enough, TAB.  I just know you've got the grooves, the moves, and the pipes to rock the Apollo and help all those kids."

    "Marie," TAB gushes breathlessly, "you're amazing.  How can I ever thank you? Back when I was growing up on the wrong side of the tracks even when times were the toughest, my stepfather always used to say ..."

    "Do me! Do me! Do me!" MARIE gasps as she rips the buttons off her expensive designer dress and stuffs her tongue down TAB's throat.  The NARRATOR continues:

    "When you're young, when you're hot, when you've got a dream, never let go of it!"

    We cut to live footage of TAB onstage at the Apollo dressed in a red vinyl jumpsuit.  As the band pumps out generic high energy hip hop beats, TAB spins, jumps, and moonwalks across the stage yelping like a little bitch as the all black audience explodes in applause.  The NARRATOR extorts:

    "Bi-sexual, bi-curious, buy into the dream!  TAB is for everybody!"

    We close on a hot tub in LAZ' ultra-chic condo.  By candlelight LAZ, TAB, and MARIE cavort in the bubbly, foaming jets of white water.  Near the tub a newspaper lays open, the headline reading "TAB Rocks the Apollo:  Thousands Raised For Those Kids." 

    "You did it, TAB," LAZ coos as he rubs TAB's back.  "You rocked the Apollo!"

    "WE did it, guys," TAB gushes.  "I'll never forget the looks on those kids' faces after the show when I gave them that check and said ..."

    "Do me! Do me! Do me!" MARIE squeals as she wraps her legs around TAB and pins him against LAZ.

    "Stay young, stay thin, stay TAB!" the NARRATOR proclaims.  "Don't miss TAB: THE MOVIE coming soon to a theater near you."