December 5, 2003

-The following is an excerpt from the December 6, 2003 edition of The Daily Bugleer of Rickettsville, Kentucky, population 2,8336.

Get Over It, Cousin:  Straight Talk From Dr. Phil-billy

    "Doctor" Phil-billy McGraw is a self-licensed self-esteem facilitator and lay counselor.  Born and raised right here in Rickettsville in the Smoky Mountains of Kentucky, he describes himself as the distant third common law step cousin four times removed from his kinsman Dr. Phil McGraw, PhD.  However, we are legally required to state that he is in no way related to Dr. Phil, and his comments and recommendations are in no way endorsed by The Daily Bugleer.

Q:  Dr. Phil-billy, lately I feel  like I have lost my zest for life.  Over the last few months, it feels to me like all those around me don't understand or respect me.  They think I am just a no good hillbilly.  I no longer take pleasure in the little things that used to tickle me like siphoning gas out of the tanks of parked cars or rummaging through folks' garbage cans.  I feel worthless.  What can I do to feel self-actualized and get in touch with my real self?

A:  Is this letter from you, Jessie Lee Gifford?  I'll bet it is, and let me tell you one thing right off the top:  you are worthless and you are a no good hillbilly.  That said, the voyage to personhood may begin with one small step.  Try to renegotiate your definition of self and try to be more self-accepting and validate your choices through a goal-oriented - and guilt-free - emotional regeneration.  And you might think about taking a bath at least once a month, you dirty old skunk.  Get over it, cousin!

Q:  Dr. Phil-billy, my wife left me to run off with a trucker from Nashville.  It's been six months now, and I'm pretty sure she ain't coming back.  I know emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually I am dealing with grief issues.  I'm using your Ten Good Livin' Laws to deal with my self-worth and perceptual challenges.  The main thing I'm worried about is my kids.  I work seventy hours a week at the beef jerky factory across the county line in Chlamydia.  I'm not around much, and Jessie Lee who is thirteen and his little brother Lee Jessie who is eight really miss their ma.  What can I do to hold my family together during these tough times?

A:  I could tell you to use Dr. Phil-billy's Good Livin' Law #10:  "You have to name it before you can claim it," but honest, even I don't know what the hell  that means.  Let me shoot straight with you, cousin.  What you need is to get yourself a new woman pronto.  I'd check out any of the waitresses at the truck stops between here and Chlamydia.  Until then why not give them boys of yours something productive and fun to do?  You know kids of all ages love stills.  The challenge and excitement of running a real, live working still and making their own corn liquor might be just the thing to help them boys forget about their two-timing slut of a mother.  Get over it, cousin!

Q:  Dr. Phil-billy, I've got boils, great big red ones that have come up all of a sudden all over my back and face.  What should I do?

A:  Could it be that these boils you're talking about are merely a physical manifestation of a recent emotional trauma that you may have suffered with but haven't faced up to yet, cousin?  Are you, by keeping the pain bottled up inside and unresolved, forcing it to come out in other ways?  As I say frequently in my counseling sessions out back behind Buddy's Sundries and Dry Goods, maybe it is time to step back and do some serious and demanding emotional self-evaluation and purge yourself of these unhealthy feelings.  On the other hand, have you been swimming in Tucker Creek lately?  Them boils may be from the water.  Ever since that bleach factory opened up ten miles north in Lupus County they been dumping tons of who knows what in the creek.  In general, if you see a lot of dead, white frogs washed up on the banks of the creek, don't go jumping into it.  Get over it, cousin!

Q:  Dr. Phil-billy, I've been gaining weight like crazy lately.  Ever since they opened up that Jack In The Box off Route 23 outside of Sprue I can't help myself.  My appetite is out of control.  Should I try one of them new fad diets?

A:  If you're overweight , cousin, you're out of control.  You need to evaluate your behavior, anticipate your personal challenges, and restore balance to your life.  Fad diets ain't no good at all.  However, lately we have had a lot of success with my own weight loss plan:  Dr. Phil-billy's P.S.R. Diet.  It stands for Possum, Squirrel, and Raccoon.  The way it works is that you can eat all the possum, squirrel, and raccoon you want but you can't eat anything else and you have to hunt and kill it all yourself.  If you stick to it, the pounds will just fly off.  The P.S.R. Diet has been so successful and popular here in Rickettsville that it has taken the whole town by storm.  Every morning, noon, and night the woods are just filled with big, old fat folks staggering around heavily armed and blasting away at every living creature that moves.  The sight of all these folks out in nature havin' fun and shootin' up a storm just warms up old Dr. Phil-billy's heart, cousin.  Sadly, there have been quite a few hunting accidents and altercations over dead coons and squirrels, but it is a small price to pay for the acceptance, acknowledgement, and self-actualization that these fat folks is getting.  Try my new diet, and stay away from that Jack In The Box.  I hear they don't use beef lard to cook their fries.  Get over it, cousin!

Be sure to read Dr. Phil-billy's new book Stuff Matters, and why not by a copy of it for that messed up friend or family member of yours to weak willed to solve their own problems?