November 19, 2003

Celebrity eSNOOP Potty Mouth Edition

    eSLASHculture proudly presents the latest Hollywood gossip from our own El Lay correspondent the eSNOOPster.

[EDITOR'S NOTE:  In an effort to bring a hip, irreverent, "street" feel to the column, florid, hard-hitting, earthy profanity has been added to today's column.  If you are offended by graphic language, please stop now.  However, if you don't mind a brother keepin' it real, then by all means pray read on.]

What - you ask your intrepid eSNOOPster - is the hottest trinket  among Hollywood's glitterati?  Whether it is Courtney Cox Whatever shopping for leather maternity minidresses on Rodeo Drive or J. Lo and Ben Affleck renegotiating their prenup over lunch at Morton's, the hot new accessory that every celebrity can't live without is a new Lil' Pillheadz PEZ Dispenser.  Off-the-Hook Productions has just introduced a line of gold plated PEZ Dispensers featuring celebrity heads.  Instead of Donald Duck or Spiderman, now you can choose a Rush Limbaugh PEZ Dispenser.  Handy and pocket sized, the 40 carat gold dispensers hold up to twenty-five 50 milligram OxyContin tablets, the celebrity pill of choice.  Just flip your thumb on the life-like little plastic Rush Limbaugh head, tilt it back, and a shiny OxyContin tumbles out of the Right Wing hate monger's mouth.  Other hot celebrity Lil' Pillheadz PEZ Dispensers include Eminem, Liza Minelli, Nick Nolte, and Robert Downey, Jr.  The hottest edition currently is the new Courtney Love Talking Lil' Pillhead.  Along with a striking likeness of the foul-mouthed celebrity widow's head, it also features a tiny battery powered  speaker.  Each time a pill slides out of the garish, has-been rocker's lipstick smeared mouth, a special message from Courtney Love plays.  Whether she crows, "Eat shit!," "Fuck you, pigs!" or "I am not a fucking junkie!"  the spirit of the rebellious riot girrrl shrew shines through with every pill popped. 

    Due to popular demand, Off-the-Hook has already rolled out plans for a limited edition of Christmas Lil' Pillheadz Celebrity PEZ Dispensers.  The theme is "Hall of Fame Old School Pill Headz" and the series will feature classic favorites such as Liz Taylor, Jerry Lewis, JFK, and an incredibly detailed Elvis Presley, all of them sporting cheery Santa caps and loaded with red and green X-mas narcotics.  'Tis the season to get pilled up, and frankly, the eSNOOPster just can't get enough, but that is another story!

    It is never too early to handicap the big summer blockbuster movie season.  This year the old eSNOOPster says, Don't bet against Jerry Bruckenheimer.  The violent trash merchant who brought you films like "Pearl Harbor," "Bad Boys II," and "Con Air" has constructed what may be the perfect summer crowd pleaser combining sham history, African-American comedians playing cops, and relentless, mind-numbing violence.  The flick is already in post-production and is called "Save Lincoln!"  It features has-been hot comics Chris Rock and that crazy Martin Lawrence as a pair of jive-talking, rule-breaking Washington, DC cops who team up with time machine inventor Will Smith.  Traveling back more than a hundred years in time, their mission is to "Save Lincoln!" and change the history of civil rights in America.  With washed-up, bug-eyed megalomaniac Nicholas Cage as Lincoln and hottie songbird Beyonce Knowles as his mistress, it looks like Bruckenheimer has all the bases covered.  I hear that the scene where Rock and Lawrence playfully kick and bitch slap the lifeless body of John Wilkes Booth, played by John Malkovich, is priceless.  In a classic plot twist, with their mission successfully completed and Lincoln alive and kicking, the time travelers return to present day Washington, DC and are amazed to be greeted by President James Brown.  The Buzz in the industry is so strong that there is already talk of a sequel with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover set to reprise their most famous roles in the time travel epic "Lethal Weapon 5: Save Jesus!" 

    Says cinema crapmeister Jerry Bruckenheimer, "Fuck the critics!  I don't make my movie for the critics.  I make my movie for the people ... the really stupid people!  There are million and millions of them and they eat this crap up!"  Your humble eSNOOPster is only human.  I may go line up at the gigaplex box office right now to buy my advance tickets!

    I don't know about you, but the old eSNOOPster himself personally just can't get enough of ageing, jailbait, no-talent, pop thrush Britney Spears.  However, Spears management team is rightfully very concerned about the general public's rapidly declining good will towards the busty, half-wit song bird.  With her new album's release, Team Spears has positioned the sultry slattern differently in the marketplace.  Instead of targeting her previous audience of tween-aged girls from eight to twelve, Spears is now going after their dads with a more "in your face" sexuality.  However, to maintain an upbeat, positive mainstream image, Team Spears is also pushing true blue patriotism as an adjunct to the tiresome Lolita's usual puerile, peek-a-boo shtick.  To whit, Spears has been signed to participate in the 2004 Super Bowl festivities.  Instead of performing during the half-time show, Spears will strip to the National Anthem.  As a color guard plays an instrumental version of the Star Spangled Banner, Spears will bump and grind like a five dollar lapdancer and strip down to just a star-spangled G-string.  Says the newly image conscious, All-American entertainer, "It's real, real tasteful.  You don't even see my pussy!" 

    Immediately after the big game Spears will be whisked away to the Middle East for a whirlwind USO tour.  It is estimated that over the course of the three day trip Spears will show her breasts to over thirty thousand service men and women.  The eSNOOPster says, You go, Citizen Spears!  Shake what your Uncle Sam gave you!

    The eSNOOPster is already supremely excited about a new show being touted by super hot network MTV for this summer.  It combines all the elements of the crass, youth-demeaning network that the eSNOOPster loves the most:  repellant behavior, smarmy sexuality, and loud, thumping, melody-free rap music.  Superstar rapper/former pusher/senseless amoral thug 50 Cent is committed to an "Osbornes"-style six week long pseudo-reality show touted as a real life remake of the Tony Danza 80's sitcom classic.  50 plays the head of a  hip hop household in "Who's the Motherfuckin' Boss?"  Hi-jinks ensue as Mr. Cent is saddled with the care of all eight of his illegitimate children after all eight of his baby mamas are killed in a tragic SUV crash.  I've only seen a teaser of the pilot episode, but this smells like a big old hip hop hit to the eSNOOPster.  With bootyshaking dancers pumping away and pimps rolling by in tricked out street rods, 50 Cent gets busy with celebrity skankstress Paris Hilton at a video shoot while the eight urchins arm themselves and playfully fire away at the "playa" who abandoned them.  If "Who's the Motherfuckin' Boss?" takes off, MTV is ready to greenlight another hybrid sitcom remake.  Eminem is slated to star as the sham gay roommate to rap hotties Lil' Kim and Ashanti in "Three's Motherfuckin' Company."  It sounds too good to be true, and the eSNOOPster for one can't motherfuckin' wait!

    Until next time, the eSNOOPster reminds you to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars!