November 14, 2003  eSLASHculture 2.42

-The following is an advertisement seen in the back pages of the November, 2003 edition of "O: The Oprah Magazine."

"the inside story on The Horn: a Powerful New Male Sex Drive Supplement"

Fallon Claremont is a freelance writer in the areas of sex, fitness, romance, and travel.

    Medical experts estimate that up to 86% of American men experience some degree of debilitating loss of sexual drive or ability.  Factors in modern American life such as high-stress, fatigue, weight gain, and ageing can drastically weaken male sexual performance.  It was with great interest as an expert in the areas of sex, fitness, romance, and travel that I received a recent letter from a reader in Louisiana about a "little secret" that has dramatically changed her sex life with her husband.  Nancy from Slidell writes:

Dear Fallon,

    Last month my husband Ted returned from a business trip to Scotland, and he was like a different man.  All he wanted was sex, sex, and more sex.  It was an incredible change, and we were like teenagers again.  He was a real stud, going for hours and hours and bringing me to an amazing series of multiple orgasms night after night.  Suddenly we were having the hottest sex of our lives.

    In the past, we had had problems.  With his high pressure job at the upholstery plant, an on-the-go lifestyle, the four kids, and a poor diet, he had definitely lost that spark and excitement, and Ted's libido was at an all-time low.  The weight gain and our hectic schedules certainly didn't help, and I had just about given up hope of having a fulfilling sex life again.  Most nights after getting home late from work, Ted would eat a pizza, drink five or six beers, and fall asleep on the recliner.  But since his trip to Scotland, it has been like day and night.  I had to ask my husband what had caused such a dramatic change in our lovemaking, and he told me he had finally learned the secret of The Horn.

    On the last night of his trip, my husband spent the evening dining with a Scottish nutritionist and his wife of twenty years.  Though he had just met them at the hotel, my husband could tell the couple were incredibly aroused by each other, even pausing before the haggis was served to slip into the Men's Room for a "wee quickie."  My husband asked their secret.  The Scottish nutritionist told him their sex life was more passionate than ever.  Then he took a small bottle of pills from his kilt and gave it to my husband.  The pills were The Horn, a natural supplement well known throughout Scotland.  My husband took just one pill on the plane trip back and he was like a wild man.  Since then he has been taking The Horn everyday, and he has become a relentless, passionate lover.  Ted told me that The Horn - known by its chemical name diphenhydryl hornidine monosulfate - is an all-natural supplement specifically formulated to trigger better, longer, more frequent and more intense male orgasms as well as stimulating the sex drive.  For me, the greater power and frequency of my husband's orgasms resulted in longer and more satisfying lovemaking sessions. 

    At first, it was wonderful.  Ted had a newfound passion for life, and we were like newlyweds again.  Every day he would come home from work with a smile on his face and a spring in his step.  Every night after the kids were asleep, we would make love non-stop wherever he found me:  in the bedroom, the laundry room, the pantry, or hunched over the garbage disposal.  Nights were a blur as he pounded away endlessly, experiencing dozens of powerful climaxes in each marathon session.  After just one month on The Horn, Ted had lost over thirty pounds and could once again fit into the black leather pants he had worn in the old heavy metal band that he was in before we got married and he started on at the upholstery plant.  The Horn had made him a new man:  active, confident, and with an incredibly demanding, insatiable sexual appetite.

    It was with a mixture of both relief and regret that I saw Ted was on the last few pills of The Horn that the Scottish nutritionist had given him.  With the passion rekindled in our love life, I was sure we could do fine without The Horn.  However, just days later I found a new extra-large bottle of The Horn in his dresser.  Apparently he had gotten it from one of those shady, quasi-legal pharmaceutical companies in Canada that operate over the Internet.  Though Ted was re-energized, frankly I was exhausted.  After I developed a yeast infection and was "out of action" for a few days, Ted seemed to lose his grip.  Every night of the week he was constantly badgering me.  When I told him I couldn't participate, he got crazy, like a rat in a cage.  He spent hours on the Internet at porn sites, he ran up over seven hundred dollars in charges to phone sex lines, and he became a regular at the local "gentlemen's clubs."  It became clear to me that he was now taking The Horn three or four times a day.  Once I was "back in action," Ted's newly rediscovered sexual appetite took a dark turn.  He insisted on dragging me to swingers clubs, pick up joints, and public restrooms.  We soon became regulars in the seamy, underground sex circuit in Slidell.  I realized that for Ted achieving maximum sexual performance and pleasure had become an unhealthy obsession.  In the lurid, sleazy swingers scene I began to recognize dozens of other men like Ted, normal middle-aged family men, now turned into deranged, sexual beasts by The Horn.  They all looked alike with their receding hairlines, SUVs, tight leather pants, massive erections, and a crazed, jittery look in their eyes.

    What had started out as a blessing bringing passion back to our marriage has turned into a curse, and I can no longer live a normal life.  When he is home, Ted is unstoppable, relentlessly pummeling away at me in dozens of positions and preventing me from doing even basic housework like washing the dishes or ironing the laundry.  If I say "no," then he's off with The Horn boys and up to God knows what.  Ted has even hinted that broadening his horizons to include hot man-on-man action may be the next step for him thanks to The Horn.  Fallon, you are an expert in the areas of sex, fitness, romance, and travel.  What can I do to save my marriage?

                                                        Sincerely,  Nancy P., Slidell, Louisiana

    The French Emperor Napoleon when asked about the nation of China with her hundreds of millions of potential soldiers once said, " China is a sleeping tiger, let her sleep."  The same could be said about the male libido or sex drive.  Your chilling story is just another example of how dangerous these new, non-FDA approved supplements can be.  The Horn has become something of an unspoken epidemic in our nation.  Currently, Congress is reviewing a proposed bill to impose tighter restrictions on the illegal import of The Horn as well as adding prison terms and steep fines to stop the companies that sell it.  The bill is called "Tammy's Law" after Tammy Seldinger, a mother of three who was critically injured in an ill-advised bondage accident orchestrated by her Horn-addled husband Bill.

    Of course, future legislation is of no help to you now with your current problems with your husband.  You need help now.  Certainly Ted will be reluctant to stop using The Horn.  Fortunately, there is now a new proven, effective male libido suppressant supplement available.  Loves Slumber is an all-natural supplement well-known to Scottish housewives for years.  A daily dose of just two teaspoons mixed in with wine, beer, or slipped into a cup of coffee will leave your overly aroused husband docile and once again easy to manage.  Introduced daily over two weeks, Loves Slumber will work miracles for you and your husband.  Encourage your husband to eat frequently, watch at least six hors of television a day, and avoid any physical activity.  With the help of Loves Slumber, he should be back to normal in no time, and you can finally catch up on all that sleep you've lost.  In the long term, consider having your husband spayed or neutered, but for now let Loves Slumber return your marriage back to the warm, comfy asexual love nest it once was.

-Loves Slumber can be purchased on-line at LovesSlumber.com or at 1-8--LOVEOFF.

-Loves Slumber and The Horn are copyrighted trademarks of the Neurogen Pharmaceutical Company of Toronto.  All rights are reserved.