October 31, 2003

eSLASHculture Special Halloween Edition

-The following are excerpts from the October31, 2003 edition of The USA Today.

Blue Section - News

Rumsfeld Calls On the Forces of Darkness to Aid in War Effort

    Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in a press conference today signaled a change in the Bush administration's policy in Iraq.  Rumsfeld announced that, in addition to requesting help from the U.N. and further troops from its allies, the United States would also actively seek support from the Forces of Darkness.  His new initiative will attempt to bring werewolves, vampires, ghouls, zombies, and voodoo witch doctors to bear on the Iraqi insurgents.

    "Our plan was to have separate Special Forces squadrons composed of 'evil irregulars.'  However, working closely with the Pentagon and NAMSQAT headquarters, we have opted to instead 'imbed' these occult troops into existing units.  By November 17, we hope to have a vampire or werewolf assigned to each of the Army's ground force companies.  Zombies and ghouls will be imbedded in Marine units.  By December 5, each Navy air squadron will have at least one voodoo witch doctor on board.  Grim, indestructible, supernatural masked killers - your Jasons, Freddies, and the like -  will be assigned to Military Police units in the densely populated urban areas.

    Dressed in black ceremonial robes, Rumsfeld began the press conference by opening a vein and spilling blood on a small stone altar in the Rose Garden.  As photographers snapped pictures, Rumsfeld read from a large, strange-looking book.  "Forces of Darkness, with this blood I bind and command you," Rumsfeld intoned.  "Rise up, take arms, and report promptly to your local Armed Forces Recruitment Station."

    When questioned as to whether his administration's invoking the Forces of Darkness was a sign of desperation in a last bid to salvage the situation in Iraq, Rumsfeld laughed.  "Absolutely not!  This is just a sound strategic move.  The vampires and zombies are scary, but you'll know we are really desperate when we send in brigades of trial lawyers over there,"  Rumsfeld said with a chuckle.  "Those guys give even me the creeps."

Red Section - Sports

Lakers Order Exorcism for Bryant

    In a bid to bring order back to his organization, Los Angeles Lakers general manager Jerry West confirmed that the club has performed an exorcism on star point guard Kobe Bryant.  Bryant has had a tempestuous off season marred by injuries, allegations of rape, and a bitter public feud with teammate Shaquille O'Neal.  Recently in the Laker locker room Father Lars von Torberg visited with the troubled young superstar.  As Bryant levitated, spoke in tongues, and spewed bilious vomit on the assembled exorcism team, Father von Torberg performed the ancient ceremony.

    Coach Phil Jackson was upbeat about the process.  "Kobe looks just great.  His head is no longer spinning around, his fangs and claws have receded, and his agent is even returning our calls again.  He still has the horns and the long, forked tail, but we can work around that."

    Father von Torberg, nursing a dislocated shoulder sustained during the exorcism, declared the sacrament  a success.  "We are confident that Kobe is back to normal.  The evil spirit was powerful and fought hard, but we exorcised it.  Now Kobe can go back to being the fine, young upstanding man, role model for kids, and shameless corporate shill we all know and love.  The only negative I can see is that the evil spirit once dislodged from Bryant has already taken up residence in a new body:  Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive end Warren Sapp."

    NFL sources suggest that being possessed by a centuries old demonic spirit might actually be an improvement for the foul mouthed, violent lineman.

Green Section - Business

Martha Stewart Burned at the Stake

    With profits declining and stock prices at an all-time low despite robust growth in an otherwise strong economic market sector, the Board of Directors of Martha Stewart Enterprises took action today and burned founder/CEO Martha Stewart at the stake.  The radical move took place at the end of a quarterly meeting of the Board of Directors at the corporate headquarters in Salem, Massachusetts.

    "Just look at her, " said Board  Chairman Lawrence Casteen.  "She's a witch.  You know it, we know it, all America knows Martha  Stewart is a witch.  That was all well and good when she was using the Dark Arts to bring in unprecedented corporate profits and increase productivity.  However, with her embarrassing insider trading arrest and the public's new-found contempt for Martha Stewart, the Board chose to go in a new direction.  Fortunately, we are based in Salem, and witch burning is clearly supported in our corporate charter."

    When asked who would be appointed as the new CEO, Clasteen was openly enthusiastic.  "We are already interviewing prospective CEOs.  Right now we are looking at some hunchbacks and slime creatures.  However, we are also interested in interviewing one of those 'Scanner' guys ... you know, the ones that can make your head explode with a burst of concentrated telekinetic energy?  That would be cool and definitely in the spirit of Martha Stewart Enterprises."

Purple Section - Life

Madonna Sucks the Life Out of Britney Spears

Madonna is hot, young, and on top again.  The Material Girl was recently seen at celebrity hot spot Hades perched over pop thrush Britney Spears.  As she sucked the youth and life force out of the busty, talentless singer, Madonna grew visibly younger.  After finishing gorging herself, Madonna pulled herself off the neck of the withered, desiccated Spears, wiped the blood from her mouth, and leapt up and danced topless in the DJ booth for hours. 

    Music mogul/producer P. Diddy was in attendance and quickly fell under Madonna's spell.  As he clamored to get into the VIP lounge, Diddy commented, "Succubus, incubus, I don't give a damn what she is!  That bitch is hot.  I gotta produce her new record!"

    In a related story, a newly rejuvenated and youthful Demi Moore has recently discarded the lifeless, dried out husk of the body of her former beau Ashton Kutcher.  She and Madonna reportedly are scheduled to share lunch with the Olson twins at Morton's on Monday.