October 22, 2003

-The following is an excerpt from the October 23, 2003 edition of  The National Right Wing Enquirer.

Limbaugh and the Left Wing Conspiracy

    The Enquirer has uncovered compelling, irrefutable evidence that beleaguered radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh is the victim of a vast Left Wing conspiracy.  America has been shocked in recent weeks by a steady stream of seamy allegations that the respected political commentator is mired in a web of prescription pain pill addiction and illegal procurement of narcotics.  As the Democrats begin their futile parade of pathetic presidential candidates before an uninterested American public, is it just coincidence that Limbaugh - the nation's best and brightest voice of conservatism - has been discredited and silenced?  We at The Right Wing National Enquirer think not!  What's the real story?  Hateful minds want to know!

    An exclusive interview with Manny Stratford, the bitter ex-husband of former Limbaugh so-called "housekeeper" Candy Lee Stratford, reveals the sickening truth.  Limbaugh fell prey to a carefully plotted Left Wing conspiracy.  Candy Lee Stratford is the shadowy figure at the center of the drug scandal.  A prominent local tanning instructor and former beauty queen, Stratford has admitted that over the last three years she has supplied the portly politico with over thirty thousand narcotic pills ranging from OxyContin and Percodan to the more popular and dangerous Vicodin and Dilaudid.  Manny Stratford, currently divorced, unemployed, an admitted recovering substance abuser himself, tells a story almost beyond belief:  under the pay  and guidance of a nest of high-ranking Liberals, his ex-wife secretly and systematically poisoned Limbaugh's food with narcotics for months turning the fair and open-minded conservative spokesman into a pathetic, drooling junkie.  From beef jerky dipped in opium to a narcotic-spiked ice cream she laughingly calls Ben and Jerry's Right Wing Dope Nut Swirl, Stratford pulled no punches in undermining Limbaugh.  Once "hooked" on painkillers, Candy Lee began to openly ply the troubled demagogue with a staggering array of pills that would have destroyed men with twice the willpower and half the weight of Limbaugh.

    Manny Stratford reports that the whole plot had its roots in a mystery shrouded period of 2000.  It was then that Candy Lee Stratford, tanning expert and former Junior Miss Florida Penal Institute, fell under the sway of her dark taskmasters, the root of all evil in contemporary America:  The Clintons!  While working as a nightclub "shots" girl hosing schnapps into tourists' gullets, Candy Lee met ex-President Bill Clinton at a wet t-shirt fundraiser for the Florida Democratic Caucus.  After a drunker brawl broke out, Clinton "rescued" the tanned, buxom hostess and took her back to her trailer home.  While her loyal husband worked a double shift as a security guard at a beauty supply warehouse, the ex-President allegedly seduced her, ruptured her water bed, and soiled drawersful of the young lady's under things.  Sensing she was a pliable tool for the destruction of the Republican Party centurion, his arch enemy Rush Limbaugh, Clinton brought his new protégée from Palm Beach to New York.

    Nestled under the wing of evil uberfeminist Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Candy Lee spent months training in the ideological heresy of the Democratic Party during the days.  During the heated nights, she was passed around from bloated Left Wing party-fixers to bitter, hateful, lesbian Right To Life activists like a twisted Liberal sexual party favor.  Schooled in the ways of Leftist espionage and dirty tricks, Candy Lee returned to Palm Beach.  Just weeks later after divorcing her faithful Republican husband, she found work as the so called "housekeeper" at the Limbaugh mansion.  Within months, she had insinuated herself deep into the sweaty, obese, man-bosom of the Limbaugh family.  By 2001, Limbaugh had succumbed to the Clinton master plan and was seriously addicted to the drugs Stratford paid for with matching funds from local Democratic campaign chests.  Despite being a complete drug-addled freak by this point, Limbaugh continued to fight to retain a shred of his dignity and consistently refused Candy Lee's seductive sexual advances.  Many was the time, according to ex-husband Manny, that while Candy Lee pawed his flabby haunches, Limbaugh would plead,  "No sex!  Please, just the drugs!"

    And drugs he got.  Word spread quickly through the dark hierarchy of the Democratic Party.  Aside from the massive input of drugs from Stratford, soon packages allegedly began to arrive at the Limbaugh mansion from Barbara Streisand, Teddy Kennedy, and even Jane Fonda.  Choking on the ideological humiliation, Limbaugh would tear open the parcels, toss aside the mocking letters, and gulp down fistfuls of the pricey narcotics.  Though he maintained a brave front, it had become clear over the past few months that Limbaugh had lost his political edge and focus.  His mind blurred by drugs, "The Rush Limbaugh Show" was adrift.  Abandoning bedrock topics like distrust of the poor, African Americans, and anyone different, Limbaugh's shows would waste weeks at a time on senseless rants against the manufacturers of spaghetti, a smear campaign focused on the original cast of the sitcom "Who's the Boss", and most embarrassingly a fawning advocacy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's candidacy for governor of California.

    We can take comfort that finally Rush Limbaugh has found safety at last, rescued from the nest of Liberal vipers who sought to destroy him.  We can only hope that his rehabilitation will leave him clean and sober and ready to carry the conservative torch anew.  The political community should look past this brush with addiction and search for the important message behind this sordid episode.  Was Limbaugh driven to drugs to numb the pain that stemmed from his massive insecurity, his towering, self-loathing anger, or his pathetic, monochromatic political hate-mongering as the Liberal media would have you believe?

    No, the shocking fact as The National Right Wing Enquirer has learned is that the gutless, secret Democratic power trust has tried its best to strike down one of our best, young voices of national pride.  Now we can only hope that this great voice will some day soon once again ring out from radios across this great land demanding liberty, defending patriotism, and championing cruel intolerance towards others for years to come.