October 10, 2003

-The following is an excerpt from the October 10, 2003 edition of The USA Today, Blue Section.

First Lady of Maryland  Resigns

Baltimore, Maryland -- In a tearful press conference, Kendel Ehrlich, the First Lady of Maryland, resigned her post amid controversy surrounding her recent off-the-cuff statement that she would like to shoot pop singer Britney Spears. 

"I apologize that my thoughtless and insensitive statement has brought shame and disgrace to the state of Maryland, and my husband Governor Robert Ehrlich," the former First Lady said in her prepared remarks.

The controversy began October 3 when Ehrlich, 42, was speaking in Frederick, Maryland at a conference on domestic violence.

 "Educating our women is crucial.  It is incredibly important to get that message to young women.  You know really, if I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would," Ehrlich said laughing.

After the story broke this week, a spokeswoman for Ehrlich said that the comment was "just a figure of speech," and that the First Lady meant no harm to the busty, libidinous pop singer.  As the controversy built during the week, Ehrlich attempted to stem the tide of public disapproval by publicly apologizing to Spears.

"It was all in jest, and that's stupid when you're in public life and I should know better," Ehrlich said on Wednesday. 

However, the uproar would not die down.  Eli Warren, the chairman of the Maryland based Life Advocacy Foundation, a fundamentalist political action committee, has been scathing in his criticism of the First Lady.  Warren pointed out that the alarming rise in the number of gun-related deaths in Maryland over the last eighteen months is no laughing matter.

"The Honorable First Lady of Maryland with her inflammatory comments advocating gun violence is merely throwing flames on the fire of this critical issue."  Warren concluded his statement by reporting that his constituents had demanded the ouster of the embattled First Lady and were starting a petition to formally seek her recall.   

When asked for comment at a recent press conference, presidential candidate the Reverend Al Sharpton was blunt, "White folks talking about shooting other white folks?  Who gives a damn?"

The Reverend Jesse Jackson, however, took a hard  line approach demanding his followers and all African-Americans stage a nationwide boycott of First Lady Kendel Ehrlich, Britney Spears, and the state of Maryland itself.

Twenty-four hours later Kendel Ehrlich agreed to step down as First Lady of Maryland.  Seven days after the scandal had erupted, a tearful Ehrlich has cleaned out her desk, collected her belongings, and left the Governor's mansion ending her troubled and controversial term as First Lady of Maryland.

In hopes of reassuring the citizens of Maryland that order has been restored, Governor Ehrlich moved to defuse the crisis and bring in a new First Lady quickly. 

"Let me reiterate," Ehrlich said to the press during a regularly scheduled inspection of a condom plant in Noxton, Maryland "this administration has no tolerance for the rhetoric of violence and brutality."

When questioned as to the qualifications he seeks for the next First Lady, Ehrlich was frank, "Let's see .... I'm forty-eight so I would want someone young ...  somewhere around half my age would be about right.  She would have to be a knockout.  I know the voters of Maryland would demand nothing less.  She would have to blonde, busty, and look hot on TV.  Additionally, and this is key, she should be willing to flash a bit of cleavage, show a little leg, and know how to keep her big mouth shut."

In a gesture of healing and cooperation, Governor Ehrlich publicly invited Britney Spears to apply for the position.

Though she was not available for comment, Ms. Spears' publicist reported that the buxom, scantily-clad pop thrush was too busy learning to count and flipping through big, lavishly illustrated books about puppies and horses to meet with the Governor.

Though clearly disappointed, the Governor reported that his search committee was already hard at work.  The short list for the position of new First Lady of Maryland is said to include Kylie Minogue, Cameron Diaz, and Latina pop sensation Shakira.  In the meantime, the citizens of Maryland anxiously await a resolution to this troubling crisis.