September 29, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the September 26th edition of Variety, the entertainment industry newspaper.

Arnie Inks Boffo Deal

    Inside sources today confirmed that muscleman, soon-to-be Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger has just sold the film rights to his campaign and election to Universal Pictures for an unprecedented nineteen million dollar pay check.  It seems that everything is coming up Arnie in Hollywood these days.  With his victory at the polls a virtual lock in the upcoming recall election, Schwarzenegger's story has fetched the highest payday ever for such a project.  It seems California's generous voters will be guaranteeing that the movie, tentatively titled "Governor Arnold," will have a happy ending.  Our source confirms that with the nineteen million dollars in the bank Arnie looks forward to developing further properties and parlaying his political career into a series of major motion picture releases.  The first sequel "Senator Arnold" or "Arnold Goes to Washington" is already in the scripting stage.  A niggling Constitutional technicality prevents non-native born citizens from running for President.  However, inside sources confirm that Schwarzenegger is looking seriously into becoming Congress' Speaker of the House and claiming the Presidency with the simultaneous death or resignation of the President and Vice President. 

    Though he is reportedly uninterested in the details of politics or actually governing his subjects in California, Schwarzenegger is said to be fascinated with the prospect of developing lucrative sequels and an international film franchise which could easily top the box office haul of both the "Conan" and "Terminator" series.  Already rumor has it that super-producer Jerry Bruckenheimer is interested in producing the franchise.  Stay tuned for more details.

The following is an excerpt form the September 30, 2003 edition of Variety, the entertainment industry newspaper.

Arnie Sees Red Over Universal Bio Pic Casting

    Just days from his victorious election to the post of Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger took time out from campaigning with his high-roller Republican supporters to blast Universal Studio executives.    The film company just last  week paid out an unprecedented nineteen million dollars for the screen rights to the first chapter in Schwarzenegger's political career. Many insiders were surprised by the studio's recent decision to sign Academy Award winner Ben Affleck to play the title character muscleman in the upcoming major motion picture "Governor Arnold."

    "That little pussy-whipped girlie man is not fit to lick my black, leather jack boots," the future governor told assembled reporters as he inspected a run down welfare office in a poverty-devastated neighborhood in South Central Los Angeles.  Inside sources report that Arnie was enraged because he had planned to play himself in the big screen bio pic.  Schwarzenegger was apparently further infuriated when it was leaked that Affleck inked the deal for a record twenty-eight million dollar payday, dwarfing the muscle-bound matinee idol's take for his last film "Terminator 3."  Stomping angrily past impoverished ghetto dwellers, he demanded that his handlers get his agent on the phone immediately.

    A source at Universal cited the fact of Schwarzenegger's waning box office appeal as the reason for casting the red hot Affleck to star in what looks to be one of the biggest movies of next summer.  Additionally, studio execs reportedly thought Schwarzenegger lacked the acting skills to play the role of governor convincingly.  "Arnie is a great guy, but honestly, who would believe him in the role of Governor of California?  It's a joke," one studio honcho confided. 

    Negotiations are well underway to bring Affleck's fiancée Jennifer Lopez on board to play the role of Laynie Gaye Chavez, a spunky, Latino investigative reporter that the governor sexually harasses then falls head over heels in love with.  The Chavez character is a fictional composite of several female reporters the governor-to-be allegedly has sexually harassed over the years.  As played by Lopez, Laynie Gaye Chavez will also be a Los Angeles Laker Girl cheerleader.  Comedian Chris Rock is reportedly circling around the highly sought after role of Lopez' other love interest, Laker superstar and ladies man Kobe Bryant.  With Michael Bay signed on to direct, the Jerry Bruckenheimer production of "Governor Arnold" looks to have something for everyone including an action packed assassination subplot with Martin Lawrence as Arnold's jive-talking security chief Slo-Mo Brown. 

    In the meantime, the millions of residents of California have been encouraged to portray themselves in the four year farce they are commissioning  by electing the talentless, demagogue to the post of governor.