September 18, 2003   eSLASHculture 2.34

-The following is an excerpt from the September, 2003 issue of X-treme Street Rods magazine.

HOT NEW CAR DECALS

By Jaime Torres

    Nothing shows a driver's wild style and x-treme attitude quite like a radical, bad ass decal on the rear window.  Recently we met with the brain trust behind Rad Stickerz Inc., the number one car decal company.  Their work has become a favorite of street rodders because of their edgy designs and "bad boy" attitude.  Dicky Carson, the president of Rad Stickerz, gave me a tour of their factory.  A native of Macon, Georgia where the plant is located, Dicky has been in the business for thirty years and is famous for starting up in seventies with the very first "Keep On Trucking" stickers.  A big friendly man with a ready smile, Dicky introduced me to his chief artist and designer, Lars Von Schraffenburg.  Though a newcomer to the world of high performance car decals, Lars has already gained quite a reputation in the art world after completing his doctorate at the Balthus School of Graphic Design in Munich.  A thin, somber man dressed entirely in black with a  meticulously trimmed black goatee, Lars invited us into his studio for an interview and a sneak peak at this Fall's hot new designs.

Jaime Torres:  Dicky, at all the big rallys they call you "Mister Decal."  What's the most important thing about car decals?

Dicky Carson:  What I've learned, Jaime, is that something as small as a six inch sticker can say loads about a vehicle's driver.  Whether the message is "I'm a Bad Boy" or "I'm a Rebel" or "I Like to Party" or "I'm a Wild Man," a decal let's you express your own individuality.

J.T.:  So before we get into what's hot this year, tell me what is not.

D.C.:  Anything Calvin or Bad Boy is completely played out.  The Calvin character was created by Bill Patterson over twenty years ago for his comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes."  Since then little spiky-haired Calvins or "Bad Boys" have been plastered all over everything.  You can see little grinning Calvins pissing on Chevy trucks, pissing on Ford trucks, pissing on Osama Bin Laden, or pissing on Bill Clinton.  Hell, your Uncle Jimmy probably has one on his Volvo station wagon by now, but today's ultra-hip street rodder doesn't want some Dennis the Menace on his ride anymore.

J.T.:  So that's out.  What is in?  What will we be seeing on all the cool pocket rockets this Fall?

D.C.:  We've got a lot of new products we are excited about, but the breakout design this year is a whole new character we call "The Party Pope."  He's a little wildcat full of energy and attitude.  A little likeness of the pope with fresh street style, bad ass wrap around shades, and an earring but still wearing the pontiff's traditional robes and beanie hat.  The Party Pope designs feature him toting a beer keg on his shoulder - we call that one The Party-time Pope.  We also have him rocking out on a vintage Fender Telecaster guitar - The Rock-n-Roll Pope - or waving a Confederate flag and saying "Hell no, I ain't forgetting" - that one's called The Rebel Pope.  People just love this little kick-ass, bad boy Pope. 

J.T.:  Did you design this new character, Lars?

Lars Von Schraffenburg:  Please, you may call me Mr. Von Schraffenburg.

J.T.:  Okay, Mr. Von Schraffenburg, is the Party Pope one of your designs?

L.V.S.:  Yes, the Party Pope is a Von Schraffenburg original.

J.T.:  This Party Pope is a pretty wild idea, but it's great!  What was your inspiration?

L.V.S.:  My art is fueled by my contempt for the lower classes.  The proletariat in this series of designs is portrayed as interested solely in the baser activities:  drinking, carousing, rutting.  The use of a stylized pontiff is meant as a crass burlesque of the works of Neo-Classicists such as David, but it also incorporates the despair and depravity of the Weimar Republic found in the art of German Expressionists such as Kirchner and Munch. 

J.T.:  I see ... well, this little Party Pope rocks!  I am sure it will be a big hit.

D.C.:  We think so, Jaime.  We have already printed up two million, and the orders keep rolling in.  The Party Pope rules!

L.V.T.:  He is spiritually dead, a grim mockery of traditional Theistic values transmogrified into a hideous caricature of man's nihilistic rage.

J.T.:  To change the subject a little, I know that there is still a big feud between Chevy and Ford drivers.  Who will be peeing on pickup trucks this year if Calvin is out?

D.C.:  Don't worry, all of you truckers out there!  We've gone in a new direction this year.  Instead of having someone peeing on a truck we have eliminated the middle man.  Our new "Chevy Rules!" line features a tricked out Chevy Silverado Z71 humping a Ford F 250 pickup truck.  You've got to see it to believe it!

J.T.:  One pickup truck humping another?

D.C.:  From behind!  See!  The Chevy pickup is really showing the Ford who's the boss!

J.T.:  Wild!  Is this one of your ideas, Lars?

L.V.S.:  It is Mr. Von Schraffenburg to you, and, yes, it is.  The Chevy truck establishes its dominance over the passive, submissive Ford truck in a display of primal, animal anger and power.  I have anthropomorphized the Chevy truck, giving it a coiled, muscular menace, its buttocks clenched as it straddles the other truck.  The Ford truck has been given full, womanly breasts where the front quarter panels should be.

J.T.:  It's a little nasty, but it works.  The kids on the streets will love it!

L.V.S.:  My initial studies featured the Chevy truck with an immense, metal phallus, but the small-minded, bourgeoisie cretins in Marketing found the imagery too powerful.  Likewise, the series of decals I planned featuring the Ford truck orally pleasuring the Chevy truck have been replaced by the more socially acceptable image of buggery.

J.T.:  Crazy stuff!  Where do you get these ideas?  They're hot!

L.V.S.:  I have vivid, recurring nightmares of a society reduced to a wasteland of machines raping machines as we slouch towards a future of horror and entropy.

D.C.:  And they come in red, blue, and bad-ass zebra stripe!  And don't worry , Ford owners, we also have a line of stickers with the Ford on top!

L.V.S.:  Yes, and in the spirit or perestroika, I have designed a decal where the Ford and Chevy trucks set aside their differences and work together to sodomize a little Japanese Isuzu pickup truck.  I call it "Orgy of Metal."  the images are quite moving, you know.

J.T.:  Yes, ... I understand.   They are very interesting, but maybe a little too disturbing.

L.V.S.:  Your prosaic, banal values sicken me, newsboy.

D.C.:  By the way, Jaime, I'll bet your readers want to get the inside scoop on one of our new directions.  You know most folks when they think of car decals think of big, inbred rednecks in monster trucks, but our research shows that there is a growing market for decals for more Liberal-thinking motor sports enthusiasts who want to show their "bad attitude," too.

J.T.:  Really?  I would have thought that the market was cornered by the Republicans.

D.C.:  Well, that's where you are mistaken!  Our "Gonzo Lefty" line of decals comes out in October, and it is fully endorsed by the Democratic National Party.  Just take a look at this!  It's a sticker of a little Bad Boy John Ashcroft pissing on the Bill of Rights!

L.V.S.:  It is amusing that the Right Wing Fascists like this one, too, no?

D.C.:  We are already gearing up for the 2008 election with our new character "Hopping Mad Hillary."  It's a series of decals featuring 2008 presidential candidate Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton like you've never seen her before.

J.T.:  Whoa!  For a cartoon, she's hot!

L.V.S.:  Yes.  She is the infantile fantasy object of petite bourgeois imbeciles everywhere.  I have combined the earthy, proletariat symbolism of the Mudflap Girl with the the sham aristocracy of the Playboy Bunny and added the stylized, fetishistic, black leather boots, thong, and whip of a dominatrix.

D.C.:  With big hooters!  In the first release, "Hopping Mad Hillary" is beating a Republican elephant on the ass with whip!  Tell me that every seventeen year old Democrat gearhead in America won't have one of these plastered on the back of his tricked out Honda Civic!

J.T.:  This is all very impressive, fellahs.  Thanks for letting us sneak a peek at the new decals, Dicky.

D.C.:  You're welcome anytime, Jaime!

J.T.:  And thanks for letting us check out your studio, Lars.

L.V.S.:  It is Mr. Von Schraffenburg, and you and your readers make me want to vomit.

NEXT MONTH:  Jaime visits Fresh Scentz, the air freshener company manufacturing the hot new Intimate Scentz celebrity car air fresheners including Brittany's Passion Fruit,  Down Below J. Lo, and Musky Thong by Christina Aguillera.