September 7, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the September 8, 2003 edition of USA Today, Blue Section:

Queer Eye On the Crisis in Iraq

Baghdad:  In a desperate bid to restore order to the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq, President George W. Bush deployed the entire Queer Eye For the Straight Guy team to Iraq.  Mired in a hostile, foreign crisis spiraling out of control, the Bush administration sent in the sassy, gay lifestyle team to try to turn the tide.  Within hours of hitting the ground, the Queer Eye team fanned out across the war-torn country.  Team leader and Grooming specialist Kyran was frank in his appraisal,  "What a dump!  The fabrics and patterns are awful, and the religious and sociopolitical groups are a complete mismatch.  I'll  tell you, we will work out little tushies off, but we have our work cut out for us."  In a hostile hotbed of burning ruins, bombed out palaces, and overflowing  concentration camps, the Fab Five were undaunted and each quickly brought his individual area of expertise to bear on a a specific facet of the Iraq problem in their unique Queer Eye style.

Fashion Victims

    Fashionista Carson, working closely with the U.S. Quartermaster Corps replaced the fusty, old, utilitarian but intimidating Marine Corps uniforms with casual, airy kaftans in light, neutral tones.  The new unis were cooler and better suited to the resort-style weather conditions.  The softer, flattering look was matched with comfy new Birkenstock sandals Carson personally selected to complete the new look Marine gear.  Whether on patrol in a casual urban settings or firebombing insurgent strongholds, the new togs say, "I'm fierce yet relaxed.  Let's relate and rebuild Iraq together."

Interior Designs For Peace

    Thom visited the internment camps near Tikrit where Saddam's most rabid, loyalist followers are held in captivity.  The dark and cramped quarters according to Thom were, "Omigosh, practically prisons!"  A trip to a local market turned up cheerful, muslin wall-hangings that brought a splash of color to the interrogation cells.  Simple, woven, jute mats softened the harsh concrete floors.  Lovely, unadorned hand-thrown pots replaced the metal latrine buckets.  After a thorough scrubbing and a coat of teal paint, the main processing area looked fresh and inviting.  Kicky touches like day-glo fingerprint blotters in willow and cornflower complete the fresh new feel.  Now the hundreds of bitter dissidents can greet each morning in custody with a smile instead of spending the endless days stewing in their own bitter juices of repressed nationalism.

Culture Vulture on Patrol

    Culture Vulture Jai was quick to realize that small arms fire and mortar rounds had replaced normal civilized discourse between Iraqi guerillas and the U.S. occupying forces.  To break the ice, Jai found a local Nasiriyah guidebook that introduced the regional greeting "al quidiqi bastrinya al maliqui" which translates as "love is the bird of friendship in flight."  Whether embroidered on functional yet decorative windbreaks or hand painted on 105 mm. cannon barrels, the charming local phrase seems to make the whole war zone feel warmer and more inviting.

Grooming Counts

    When Kyan first met head U.S. Civilian Administrator L. Paul Bremer, his initial comment was, "Geez Louise!  He looks like Claude Raines with a bad tan."  However, Kyan got to work quickly, rethinking the occupation chief's entire drab, stern look.  A trip to trendy Aahh Baghdad! Spa went swimmingly.  Grease is no longer the word for the commandant's hair as blonde streaks and a looser, natural cut were deployed.  Confronted with a tough "unibrow" problem, Kyan broke out the wax and tweezers and took matters into his own hands.  Add a little lip gloss, a revivifying skin treatment, and a tea tree moistener and Bremer is  a new man.   The tough guy whose message before was "I will crush you if you resist" now radiates a "I'm Paul.  Let's party" vibe.

Food and Wine

    Ted, the Fabs' Dining and Entertainment expert, visited with U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.  When entertaining enraged French diplomats or would-be Iraqi strongmen, the Secretary General would always offer the same drab canapés and petit fours.  "Stiff, unappetizing food leads to stiff, unhappy people," Ted explained.  Ted took Kofi to fashionable west Village noshery Deli Deli and introduced him to a range of wheat, flat bread pizzas with spicy, tasso toppings as well as tasty seasoned roasted fingerling potatoes.  A selection of "Zagera" chocolates tops off a relaxed repast.  All of it can be washed down with a cheap but bodacious shiraz from Jordan.  A restructured menu in the U.N. offices should lead to more meetings ending with friendly handshakes and exchanged Blackberry numbers and fewer showdowns capped by threats of trade embargoes and cruise missile attacks.

Thank You Fab Five

    After only one week, experts in the Bush administration report a new wave of optimism for a quick resolution to the conflict in Iraq.  Acknowledging that the deployment of the task force of five campy, gay lifestyle specialists has been the only productive action in the last three months, President Bush himself was effusive in his praise.  Looking relaxed and fashionable in a new maroon and black windowpane mock turtleneck, Bush reported, "These Queer Boys as they call themselves may be a little light in the loafers, but they have done some damned good work over there.  I can assure you we now have Iraq completely under control."  Flushed with victory Thom, Jai, Carson, Ted, and Kyan had already accepted their new assignment  from the man they playfully call "Chiefy" and are currently en route to North Korea.  "Girls,"  Kyan barked from the walkway of the newly made over fuchsia Queer Eye B-52 bomber, "It's time to send in the queer cavalry!"