September 2, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the September, 2003 issue of MAXIM Magazine.

THE MAXIM DOZEN

You send us questions for VIPs and we get the answers to the twelve best readers questions.

    He is America's highest ranking law enforcement officer, but some days he would rather be chugging a tallboy and yelling at really fast cars racing by.  MAXIM readers, it's time to meet George W. Bush's best buddy and the United States Attorney General John Ashcroft.

       When we caught up with Mr. Ashcroft, we were surprised to find he was not only taller than he looks on TV when he is announcing Draconian new legislation that impinges on your rights but he is also much funnier and more laid back.  We met America's Top Cop outside the Beltway for lunch at the Silver Springs Hooters.  After carding a few underaged drinkers and expelling four or five smokers, Ashcroft rolled up his sleeves and hunkered down at a table by the bar.  With a plate of wings, an ice cold pitcher of the Silver Bullet, and MAXIM readers' dozen questions in front of him, John Ashcroft was ready to get down to business.

When you're not on duty and busy truncating America's civil rights, what do you like to do for fun?     Dave Shoulders, Massfield, Wyoming.

My wife and I are dedicated NASCAR fans, and in particular, we revere Dale Earnhart, "The Intimidator."  We keep his memory in our hearts, and we try to get to the races at least once a month if the Terrorism Alert status is less Amber or less.  We also like to go to country and western concerts to see our favorites like Garth Brooks, Toby Keith, and Bucky Lovestump.  Then of course the rest of our time is taken up with the book burnings, pogroms, and black masses.  Just kidding about the black masses, of course.

Is it true you played the role of Don Knotts' son in the classic comedy "the Shakiest Gun in the West"?     Scooter, Wayne, North Dakota.

I have been hearing that rumor for thirty years, and it is still not true.  However, I did do a little acting when I was in college.  I was in just one film, and it was "Footloose" and I had just one line.  It was in the barn scene.  After the gang of farm kids beat up Kevin Bacon for dancing, I say, 'You're different.  We don't like your kind.'  Then I pour a bucket of urine on him.  The sad thing is that whenever they show the movie on TV they always seem to cut out that scene, but I hear a Director's Cut will be coming out soon in time for the 2004 Presidential Election. 

Mr. Ashcroft, what is George W. Bush really like?  Are you guys buddies and do you ever kick back and have a couple of beers and talk trash?     BigJimmy, Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Oh yeah.  I could tell you stories, but then I'd have to kill  you ...really!  I'm not kidding!  But just to give you an idea of how we get along, we've had nicknames for each other for years.  The names are from our favorite movie, "Animal House."  I call him "Bluto" and he calls me "Flounder" and we both call Dick Cheney "Dean Wormer", but don't tell Dicky that!

What album do you put on when the lights are low and it is time for a little Cabinet level loving?     Andy Hurt, Kinchloe, Maine

I know "W" and the rest of the boys will give me hell when they hear this, but honest to God it is Barbra Streisand's "Broadway Album."  There's something about that sexy lady's voice that gets me pumping like a fire hydrant.

As America's Top Cop, you talk about how important it is to protect our country from Evil both inside and outside of our borders.  If the chips were down, would you be willing to take a bullet and die to keep America proud and free?     Leo Gangres, St. Louis, Missouri

No, but I would be more than willing to make lots of other people die to preserve our freedom.

What turns a powerful man like you on?  AmyGirl, Houston, Texas

I'm just a regular guy, despite the title, the fancy cars, and the ability to destroy the lives of regular folks like you.  It is just the little things: soft music, candle light, a six pack of Coors, and one of those "Girls Gone Wild" videos will do the trick.

What's the funniest thing that has ever happened to you when you were in the line of duty?  Simon Polker, Ithaca New York.

It is a long, funny story, but this guy we thought was dealing with an Indonesian terrorist cell member turned out not to be a traitor at all but just GAY!  Can you believe it?  We thought that these two guys were plotting all kinds of stuff, but it turns out they're just GAY!  He was a CPA at a big conservative Wall Street firm.  You should have seen the looks on the faces of his employers when we got them in a conference room and leaked the video of those two going at it.  They didn't know it at the time, but we were illegally taping them as they watched the tape we illegally made of their employee.   It was just priceless!  One of the agents took the tape and burned it on a DVD with the Oak Ridge Boys singing "Elvira" in the background.  Well, that's just  a small example of how crazy it gets sometimes.

Do you ever worry that the incremental winnowing away of individual Americans' freedom and privacy that you have set in motion with your Patriot Act though intended to help preserve America may, in fact, be one of the surest ways to guarantee the end of the very freedom and rights that the Founding Fathers sought to safeguard for future generations of Americans?     HeavyMetalBill, Laughlin, Kansas.

Nope.

Who do you think is the hottest woman in America?  Pete Lowe, Carver, California.

I really shouldn't say this, but what good is power if you can't flaunt it?  It is kind of an open secret, but our agents have compiled a big book of surveillance photos, blackmail negatives, stolen private videos, and "art films" of all the hottest actresses, models, and pop starlets out there.  I'm not bragging, but this book - they call it the Patriot Playboy - would make MAXIM look like Martha Stewart's Living.  Anyway, to answer your question, in my opinion, Stevie Nicks is still Number One, but I'm showing my age again.  All the other agents who have "reviewed the evidence" say it is Cameron Diaz, hands down.

Why are you such a dick?     Les Hartner, Tucker, Georgia.

We all have our different opinions.  You may not like the job I have to do or the way I go about doing it, but I know it is my mission, and it comes to me from a higher power.  We may disagree, but we still need to treat each other with deference and respect.

Why are you such an asshole?     Andrew Bolton, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

As I say, my job is a trust given to me by the American people.  I pray on it each and every night, and I hope that with prayer and meditation others will see the rightness of my cause even if they have fundamental differences.  Diversity is what makes America great.

Why are you such a bastard?     MotorBoy Austin, Texas

O.K., this is starting to get on my nerves.  Do you have any other questions?

Mr. Ashcroft, I was wondering, why are you such a self-righteous creep?     AntEnnaz, St.Davids, Pennsylvania

That's enough, you smart asses.  I can get your addresses, all of your addresses, and don't think that in twenty-four hours I won't know where you live, what you do, and who you do it with.  Don't worry, you'll be hearing from me, probably late at night when you won't be expecting it there will be a knock on your apartment door, the lights will be out in your hallway, and then I'll be the one asking the smart-guy questions.