August 23, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the August 24, 2003 edition The Richmond Examiner's new self-help column:

Ask John Ashcroft:  Advice From the Attorney General

Dear Mr. Ashcroft,

    I love this country, and I served for twelve years as a U.S. Marine, but something I saw last weekend disturbed me.  I took my son to one of his little friends' sixth birthday party.  His friend Jorge Lupito and his family were very nice, but at the end of the party they invited all the kids to break up a piñata.  The problem was the piñata was red, white, and blue and shaped like an American flag.  To be honest, Mr. Attorney General, it made my blood boil to see a gang of multi-ethnic six year olds beating up the American flag.  What's your advice, Mr. Ashcroft?  Are the Lupitos a bunch of traitors or just confused immigrants?

                                                Signed, Perplexed Patriot

Dear Perplexed,

    I would not worry about the Lupitos and their red, white, and blue piñata.  They may be immigrants, but my agents inform me that their visas and papers are all in full compliance.  Instead, Perplexed Patriot - or should I call you by your real name, Mr. Stanley L. Janowitz - you should be a little more worried about your own problems.  A detailed scan of your computer's hard drive reveals that your wife is a compulsive gambler running up to twenty-seven thousand dollars in debt to on-line casinos in the Bahamas.  And Stanley, a quick review of your private tax returns along with a cross check with your employers and the other assistant managers at the Bennigans you work at reveal that you are hoarding up to three hundred dollars a month in tips as undeclared income.  The IRS was quite pleased to get my memo about your 2002 returns.  And by the way, your sixteen year old son is gay.  My advice, Perplexed Patriot?  Keep your household pure, clean, and all-American first before you start worrying about the crazy second-class citizens next door.  Semper Fi!

Dear Mr. Attorney General,

    I am both a God-fearing, hard core, Born Again, fundamentalist Christian and one of America's foremost Constitutional scholars.  When issues like the current fray over displaying the Ten Commandments in government buildings come up I am torn.  Should I be a small-minded literalist and defend the Constitution and throw the Commandments in the dumpster or should I listen to my Higher Power?  Some nights I go to sleep actually hating myself.  What should I do to reconcile these beliefs?

                                                Signed, At Odds in Ohio

Dear At Odds,

    Who among us hasn't lost sleep over tough moral questions?  The answer to that question is me, Attorney General John Ashcroft.  Though I am the highest ranking law enforcement officer in the United States of America, my religious ideals and small-minded zealotry imbue me with a smug self-righteousness that allows me with a clear conscious to ball up and throw away the Constitution like a receipt from a Senior Slam Meal at a Denny's.  Take down the Ten Commandments?  Why, I would just as soon take the "In God We Trust" off the quarter of that hidden picture of Jesus off the back of the new fifty dollar bill.  At Odds in Ohio, I think you think too much.  Is the Right Wing agenda filled with paradoxes?  Death penalty, yes/abortion rights, no ... right to bear arms, yes/Thou shalt not kill, yes ... sure it is, but I say tune out that buzzing in the background about trampling individuals' civil rights and just crank up that new Amy Grant album and go about your business of rationalizing anything you want to do.  Try to think of God and our Right Wing ideals as a brand new Cadillac Escalade and the Constitution as a little, bitty speed bump.

    By the way, a word to the wise, At Odds, our research and phone taps have turned up compelling evidence that your wife is cheating on you.  My advice is instead of going to sleep hating yourself, try hating her.  Cheers!

Dear Mr. Ashcroft,

    I am a patriot and a loyal citizen here in Wichita, Kansas.  I live in a nice gated community in the suburbs,  Recently my neighbors and I have  been concerned about a newcomer who just moved into Dimpled Oaks six months ago.  His name is Talib Hassein, and he is a swarthy, shifty Middle Eastern type who is always suspiciously driving in and out of our neighborhood at all hours of the day and night.  Don't you think it is time to invoke the Patriot Act and tap his phone, search his computer, and expose this terrorist cell member?

                                                Signed, A Concerned Kansan

Dear Concerned,

    There is  thin line between patriotic whistle blower and xenophobic crackpot.  Your neighbor is actually Doctor Talib Hassein and he is one of only six pediatric heart surgeons in all of Kansas.  Could it be he is always coming and going at all hours to save the lives of critically ill children all over the metropolitan area?  Believe me, Dr. Hassein checks out just fine, thank you very much, Mr. Walter "A Concerned Kansan" Hutchins.  However, it is you we are worried about, Mr. Hutchins.  At least our records indicate that Dr. Hassein voted straight ticket Republican for the last ten years unlike your wife (Clinton, twice) and you voting Independent in the 1996 Congressional race.  Perhaps you were too busy reading your subscriptions to Juggs and Hustler (both expire in Otober, 2003, time to renew, Mister Smutty Mind) to carefully evaluate your neighbor.  Then again the residue of marijuana we found in that pipe hidden in the bottom left drawer of your desk may explain your confusion, you Pathetic Dope Fiend.  Rest assured, Mr. Hutchins, we are watching your neighbor, but we also have our eye on you, Concerned Citizen.

Be sure to check out next week's Special Focus Edition "Bill of Rights or Full of Wrongs" where Mr. Ashcroft reinterprets sets the record straight on the hot button topic of archaic, so-called civil liberties.