August 14, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the August 14, 2003 edition of The Baton Rouge Bugeleer:

The Make A Teenage Wish Foundation Closes

by Allison Lefterden

Los Angeles:  After only eight months in operation, the Los Angeles based non-profit organization Make A Teenage Wish Foundation has closed its doors.  The foundation was funded by private donations and incorporated in January, 2003.  Its goal was to provide last wishes and fantasy trips to critically ill teenagers.  Foundation Director Aimee Chandler Parsons confirmed this week that the organization was shutting its doors after providing "wishes" to over thirty-seven teenagers this year.  Chandler Parsons said that the failure of the foundation was due not to financial difficulties but to her and her staff's fatigue and disillusionment with their cause. 

    "Frankly," Chandler Parsons stated, "We were amazed that all the teenagers we met with made exactly the same wishes over and over again.  All the teenage boys wanted to sleep with Britney Spears and then beat up Justin Timberlake.  No matter where they came from Dallas, Texas, Bangor, Maine, Nome, Alaska the wishes were always identical.  We saw the same phenomenon with the teenage girls.  The wish cards they filled out could have all been written by the same person:  'I want to hook up with Justin Timberlake and then slap the shit out of Britney Spears.'"

    Taking a long drag off her cigarette and blowing the smoke across her now darkened office, Aimee Chandler Parsons, a thin, pert, energetic thirty-two year old former social worker couldn't hide the discouragement in her voice.  "I mean I've read about all the other Make-A-Wish Foundations for younger kids, and I was expecting the same typical kind of wishes:  a trip to Disneyland, a ride in a NASCCAR racer, shooting hoops with Michael Jordan ... that kind of thing.  We were ready to handle all that stuff, but it became clear to us very quickly that teenagers are different.  It was always just the same wish over  and over again:  nail Britney, bitch slap Justin.  Hook up with Justin, pull Britney's hair.  Frankly after the first couple of months, my staff found it completely demoralizing, but we did our best to make every single client's wish come true.

    "I mean it's not really my job to tell a terminally ill teenager what to wish for, but I guess now I know why there aren't any Make-A-Wish foundations for grown-ups.  The stuff they get would be just as disgusting.  Though we ultimately failed, we did give it a good try for eight months despite our personal feelings, and I have to give Britney credit.  She was a complete trooper and month after month she took on all comers, not that the kids were very nice or appreciative the next morning.  And poor Justin with all those boys.  Even the really sick ones managed to find the strength to beat the crap out of him.  He was so sweet and accommodating with all the girls, but one nineteen year old boy with leukemia nearly put him in the hospital.  Next thing  you know we would wind up having to give him his wish, which, of course, would be to nail Britney Spears and beat himself up.

    "You should have seen what this place looked like when we opened up," Chandler Parsons said walking us through the now empty suite of foundation offices.  "We had balloons, stuffed animals, the works.  Well, that lasted about a week then the clients trashed the place.  Honestly, these teenagers had no respect for other people's feelings or property.  There were no balloon rides or meetings  with the President.  It started to get like a rap video around here.  Stretch limos, magnums of Kristal, and a steady stream of bitter, resentful teens demanding to get at Britney and Justin.  Miriam Drusen, my assistant who recently quit to work in a maximum security juvenile detention center, put it best:  teenagers suck.  She says she finds her new job much more rewarding and uplifting."

    When questioned about her personal plans now that the foundation is finished, Aimee Chandler Parsons detailed her newest cause:  she has taken a non-paying job with the Los Angeles District Attorney's office to become a full-time lobbyist for stricter sentencing guidelines for juveniles convicted of crimes spearheading a new program called Teen Stop!  "It's just something I feel passionate about, something I can put my whole heart into after this fiasco."

    In parting when questioned as to what her "last wish" would be if she had but days or weeks left to live, Chandler Parsons replied quickly, "I'd like to get it on with that hunky stud Ben Affleck then I'd like to slap some sense into that bitch J. Lo, but that's a whole other story."