August 7, 2003

The following is an excerpt from The USA Today. August 8, 2003 edition.

Schwarzenegger's Surprise Announcement

    Actor turned  politician Arnold Schwarzenegger made another big surprise announcement which he shared with the world last night on the cable talk show "Larry King Live."  Just twenty-four hours after stating his intention to run for governor of California on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," Schwarzenegger shocked the world yet again by announcing that he is, in fact, an evil robot from the future sent to destroy mankind.

    "Yes, Larry, it is true,"  the actor/muscleman revealed after peeling back the mask-like layer of flesh on his face to reveal his gleaming, titanium endoskeleton.  "I am an evil robot from the future and my mission is to destroy mankind.  However, I must tell  you that first and foremost I am an evil Republican robot from the future, and Governor Davis and his Democratic cronies must be stopped.  The crises in energy, education, and the economy are all direct results of Davis and his fat-cat backers' public policies.  You don't have to be an evil robot from the future to see that California needs change, and it needs it now."

    Though initially stunned by Schwarzenegger's revelation, King rebounded quickly and focused on the actor's qualifications and experience as well as his stand on several "hot button" issues.

        "Larry," the shiny, metallic candidate replied, "I understand your concern.  Though for years I have presented myself as merely a talentless actor crippled by egotism and a strident near fascist political bent, I have actually been fully programmed by my makers at the Cyberdyne Corporation for numerous functions including advanced leadership, complex micro and macro economic theory as well as the ability to crush the skull of any man, woman, or child with my bare hands.  That said, I am in favor of a woman's right to choose, stricter environmental protection legislation, and the lifting of all statewide bans on the testing and use of handheld particle accelerator destruction beam generators."

    An online and phone-in poll conducted live during the hour long interview showed that the actor/evil robot was favored by a three to one margin over all other candidates by those participating in the survey.

    "It seems like America is ready for an evil robot form the future after all," King noted.  When asked about his campaign plans, Schwarzenegger was remarkably candid. 

    "I will search out and destroy the Democratic opposition.  I will destroy the human called Gray Davis and his allies, and I will hold their skulls in my hands and listen to the lamentations of their women."

    Schwarzenegger was quick to point out that he has powerful backers and won't be campaigning alone.  "I have had the support and counsel of my wife Maria Schriver -also an evil robot from the future- as well as several other powerful evil robots including Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Attorney General John Ashcroft, Security Chief Condoleeza Rice, and entertainer Garth Brooks."

    Schwarzenegger then promised that after he has won the election he will lead the Evil Robot Party to victory in the 2004 Presidential Primaries.  Despite such grand plans, King pointed out that Schwarzenegger has no real political experience. When he noted that the actor has never even held an elected office, the gleaming metal android killing machine turned defensive.

    "Larry, I will put California back on its feet.  I promise to bring reform to Sacramento, and I will crush the weak, the poor, and all those who oppose me, bringing destruction to them with a cruel, relentless grip of iron. However, I will leave much of the day-to-day operation of the state to my agent Irv Winkelbaum and his associates at Dynamic Management Enterprises."

    As time ran out, King clapped the merciless android on the back with a smile and asked if Schwarzenegger had come up with a campaign slogan yet.

    "Yes, Larry, we have.  Our first choice was 'I'm Going to Fuck You Up, California,'  but then we found out that it had already been copyrighted as the title of the new Cheech and Chong movie."

    "So, what will your new motto be?"

    As his head swiveled towards the cameras,  the light reflecting off his gleaming metal skull with a twinkle in his glaring, red laser eyes, Schwarzenegger responded, "The Future Belongs to Me."