July 31, 2003

EXPANDED BASIC CABLE OPTIONS

-The following is an excerpt from a letter sent out to all Cox Cable subscribers regarding new expanded basic cable options.

Dear Cox Cable Customer,

    Though we here at corporate headquarters are still celebrating our new 27% fee increase, we wanted to take time out to thank you, our loyal customers.  We know that in today's market you have many choices for home televised entertainment including options such as costly, unreliable, and unpatriotic satellite television.  To show our appreciation for your business, Cox Cable is proud to introduce a series of new exclusive cable-only channels for our subscribers.  Listed below are the exciting new channels and their features.  Please choose any three to be added to your basic cable package for no additional charge for a deluxe two month trial period.  You will be thrilled by this new and thrifty set of programming options.

The Liberal Network:  Finally a network willing to present a bold diversity of opinions!  Daytime programming will initially feature reruns of Alan Alda movies interspersed with the stimulating talk show series "The Golden Age of Phil Donohue:  The Talk Show Years."  On week nights, all new programming will include the Liberal Network original series "Al Gore and the A.C.L.U. Pranksters."  Watch the fun as the former Vice President and his Leftist buddies pull laff-filled stunts ranging from hilarious prank bomb threats to Rush Limbaugh to sending dead baby seals to Environmental Protections Agency officials.  On Saturdays after the kids have gone to bed, be sure to tune in to the adult-oriented fare of "Bill Clinton After Dark."  You will be entertained and stimulated as the freewheeling former president hosts an adults only house party featuring sexy celebrity guests, Bill's host of gorgeous young Liberal Playthings of the Month, and his hard-rocking house band The Vocal Minority.  Whether he's leering down J. Lo's cleavage, jamming ineptly on saxophone with the band, or just grabbing ass you won't want to miss "Bill Clinton After Dark."

House of Cox:  Welcome to extended basic cable's first exclusively Gay channel!  House of Cox will feature programming aimed at today's cutting edge, style conscious Gay men.  Richard Gere and Tom Cruise movie marathons will mix with live segments of our exclusive lifestyle program "Harvey Fierstein Goes On and On" featuring the out and proud irritating-voiced man about town rattling on and on for hours.  No guests, no sketches, just Harvey Fierstein going on and on and on for hours.  In the Fall, look for our original Gay reality series "Kevin Spacey Get Out!!!" wherein each week a camera crew follows the Oscar winning actor around as hordes of Gay fans badger him to come out.  In the Spring, we will introduce the first Gay game show,  "The Gay Newlywed Game."  Each week three young newly married gay couples will be hunted down and persecuted by local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies as they go on whirlwind, high risk honeymoons through Alabama, Oklahoma, and Texas. 

The Sucky James Bond Channel:  The name is Bond, James Bond, and every day around the clock we show non-stop James bond movies.  Unfortunately, all the good James Bond movies are exclusively featured on the Premium Package "James Bond Platinum Collection Channel."  However, at a much lower price the Sucky James Bond Movie Channel is  proud to present repeated showings of lesser films such as "The Spy Who Loved Me," "Moonraker,"  "A View to a Kill," and "The Living Daylights." Don't miss presenter/host/ preeminent sucky James Bond authority Roger Moore live as he lives rent free in our studio and yawns, sleeps, or works crossword puzzles during our presentations of these cinema classics.

Bad Kidz:  Finally a channel for parents who genuinely could care less what their kids watch.  Core programming will be composed of the violent, lurid fare that kids crave but that responsible adults won't let them watch.  Daytime programming will include eight hour blocks of classic World Wrestling Federation Steel Cage matches mixed with reruns of "COPS," "Bad Boys," and assault rifle infomercials.  Original programming will include reality TV series "X-treme Mega Bullies" where each week five bullies will compete for prizes by beating up smaller, younger children.  Don't forget that every Tuesday is "Those Van Dammed Kidz Day" with non-stop Jean Claude Van Damme movies. 

The Adult Sounding Programming Channel:  Do you desire hard core triple X sex shows with non-stop erotic thrills?  Then you should tune into any one of the thirty-five Cox Cable Premium Adult Channels such as "Spice", "Grasp", "Booty Camp", and "Asian Pile-Up," but be prepared to pay up to $38.00 a day.  For a low cost alternative, tune in to the Adult Sounding Programming Channel.  We feature programs that at least sound like the sensual, arousing adult fare you crave.  You'll enjoy quality provocatively titled fare including classic TV series such as "Leave It to Beaver" and "Three's Company" as well as feature length films including "Octopussy," "Rear Window," and "Black Beauty."

Bill O'Reilly's Hate Club For Men:  YOU - a bitter, resentful, middle-aged white man.  BILL O'REILLY - an evil, badgering Right Wing hate-monger.  TOGETHER - Bill O'Reilly's Hate Club For Men, the network that isn't afraid to call a spade a spade.  Finally a channel for the rest of us ... as long as you're not liberal, a minority, Gay, an intellectual, fair, kind, compassionate, or open-minded.  It's all Bill O'Reilly all the time doing all the O'Reilly things you like best:  browbeating Democrats, mocking the poor and downtrodden, and putting his unique, insular, hateful spin on all the issues of the day.  Don't miss Saturday nights when Bill gets up from behind the desk to host "Bill O'Reilly's Right Wing Slap Fight."  It's the show where Bill literally tries to slap some sense into liberal pundits as his jack-booted, brown-shirted thugs hold down special guests such as James Carville, Senator Joe Lieberman, and actor Alec Baldwin.  Mister Angry Wealthy White Suburban Homeowner, we want you to "Come Join the Hate!"