July 25, 2003

eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner: Volume 4

    Recently at hot, hot, hot Hollywood bistro La Mucous yours truly, the eSLASHculture Celebrity Snoop, saw superstar rapper and thug-about-town  Snoop Doggy Dogg enjoying a bowl of the tres chic venison and fennel mucous soup and washing it down with - you heard it here first - mineral water.  The laid back chronic-smoking-Kristal-swilling dopehead confirmed that he has been clean and sober for the last four months.  All of America is shocked and disappointed that the mega-platinum selling rapster and former murder defendant has given up on smoking the party plant that made him a star.  Still Snoop remains his normal phlegmatic, low-riding self, confident that he can stay at the top of his game even when he is not doped to the gills.  Said  the great man, "Yo!  It ain't no big thing!  Maybe I don't smoke dope no more, but I'm still a cartoonishly repellant thug, relentlessly violent, amoral, and degrading to women.  Hell, I'm still Snoop Doggy Dog!"

    In a related story, across town at the opening of the fashionable, new Crips and Bloods Chophouse, ageing, screechy, song-thrush Mariah Carey was spotted out on the town with boy-toy Justin Timberlake on her arm, up her shoulder, across her neck, and then down her crack.  Carey is truly an inspirational story in the midst of an amazing comeback after just a year ago being locked away in a posh booby hatch after a highly public nervous breakdown left her a pudgy, quivering mass of neuroses.  Her longtime publicist Ora Fleckstein reports that her boss is enjoying a complete recovery and is back in top form.  "No," Ora insists, "Mariah is not crazy anymore, but don't worry.  She is still an evil, self-serving bitch, and she still sings horribly.  Don't worry, she's still Mariah!"  The eSNOOPster says, Mariah, Snoop don't you go changing trying to please us we love you just the way you are.

    All of Studio City is buzzing about what looks to be the sure fire monster sit movie of 2005.  Sawed off, toothsome flopmeister Tom Cruise -  still reeling from duds like "Vanilla Sky" and "Minority Report" -  is set to jumpstart his career by reuniting with one-man-cinema-crap-factory mogul Jerry Bruckenheimer, the producer who brought Cruise to his peak fame with lobotomized, brain dead crowd pleaser smash-'em-ups "Top Gun" and "Days of Thunder."  Look for an official press release soon to confirm Cruise in the title role in Jerry Bruckenheimer's "Christ!", the brawling new epic from the man who brought you "Coyote Ugly," "Kangaroo Jack," and "Pearl Harbor."  In a drastic, new, overhaul of a beloved tale, "Christ!" will be the story of a scrappy, underdog, up-and-coming messiah from Nazareth the big guys said could never make it.  Sean Connery has been contracted to play God, Anthony Hopkins is on board as the Holy Ghost, and bug-eyed, has-been, Bruckenheimer plaything Nicholas Cage is a go to play Judas Iscariot.  Michael Bay of "Armageddon" and "Bad Boys" fame is set to direct and has already brought in busty, Welsh, no-talent Catherine Zeta-Jones to play the role of Mary Magdalene.  Famous for tinkering with his scripts to make sure the good guy always wins, Bruckenheimer promises, "This isn't your grandpa's New Testament.  Cruise is Christ, and Christ kicks ass!"  Don't be surprised if there are a few new plot twists and a feel-good surprise ending.  The eSNOOPster says, Go forth, be fruitful, and don't scrimp on the shattered glass and hip hop soundtrack.

    I must remind you that the old eSNOOPster is no talent scout, but I know money when I see it, and I see it coming from music producer Lou Perlman's sensational new act Man-4-U.  Perlman, of course, is famous for putting together some of the biggest "boy bands" ever from New Kids on the Block to 'NSync.  Perlman has demonstrated an infallible eye for spotting the kind of fresh, young, boy meat that teen-aged American girls go ga-ga for.  With the whole "boy band" concept being as played out and tired as Madonna's ass, Perlman has set his sights not on fickle teen girls but on their bitter, romantically disillusioned mothers instead.  Man-4-U is a pop group of four sexy grown-up singers guaranteed to fulfill the dreams and fantasies of the highly-sought-after demographic of American women aged 35 to 45.  Man-4-U, the first self-styled "man band," appear in concert dressed in flashy Village People styled costumes chosen to appeal to more mature women.  The group is composed of Marvin, the sexy CPA, Dr. Bill, the hot orthopedic surgeon, Mason, the "quiet one" architect, and A.J., the "bad boy," a licensed and fully-bonded contractor in tight jeans.  Their first single, "Girl, I Want to Pay Off Your Mortgage," is already on heavy rotation on key Adult Contemporary stations, and Man-4-U is scheduled to appear on the Leno show next week performing their concert favorite "Marry Me, Quit Your Job."  The new video for their quiet storm classic "I'll Rub Your Back Then I'll Just Go To Sleep (No Sex Tonight, Girl)" is set to debut on "Oprah" and the Lifetime Network next week.  Perlman confided to eSNOOPculture, "This is no gimmick.  These guys are for real.  Women eat this crap up.  When Man-4-U had an in-store record signing at Tower Records, the parking lot was jammed with over three hundred minivans, and Lands End and Ultra Slim Fast have already signed on as corporate sponsors for their Fall tour."  Your humble eSNOOPster says, Man-4-U is the greatest thing to hit rock and roll since Handi-Wipes!

    Your star-struck eSNOOPster is still recovering from his most recent brush with celebrity in its biggest and brightest form.  While enjoying the porterhouse at Mortons last Tuesday, who should walk in and be seated across from me but hyper-violent-muscleman-turned-politico Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I spoke with the great man for but a moment.  Not to be confused with his blood thirsty android Terminator alter ego, Arnold was charming and gregarious, but as the talk turned to his political aspirations, the future governor of California turned coy.  When I teasingly asked what on the resume of a talentless, muscle-bound, hack actor could possibly ever indicate any of the skills necessary to run the nation's largest state, the jovial Teutonic thespian playfully beat me about the head and neck with his fashionable braided, black, leather riding crop.  After laughingly putting out his cigar on my hand, he told his platoon of brown-shirted, jack-booted thugs to, "Trow dis piece of gah-bage in dee dumpster."  Though my meal was abbreviated by a quick trip to the dumpster out back, my last fond memory before violently losing consciousness was the grinning face of the future governor of California leering at me over the edge of the dumpster, throwing a crumpled wad of twenty dollar bills in my bloodied face, and saying with a twinkle in his eye, "Dat's for the cleaning up, asshole."  Oh, Mister Governor Schwarzenegger, you have me and all of California in stitches.

    Well, that's all for now from the eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner, but as the eSNOOPster says, Remember to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars!