July 12, 2003

HOOTERS FOR EVERYONE

    The following is an excerpt from an internal memo from Narvis Flanksterperrsson, Director of Marketing Development for Hooters Restaurants Inc.:

    All over corporate America the name of the game today is Brand Diversification.  Coca Cola is now Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, and Diet Lemon Coke.  Pepsi is Blue.  Holiday Inn is now Holiday Inn Express and Holiday Inn Select.  Hooters has now engaged in an aggressive plan to expand its customer demographic beyond its core group of troubled loners and pathetic, lonely married men that have made Hooters such a huge success so far.  When customers come into a Hooters restaurant, they expect cold beer and crummy food served to them by bitter, single moms with a big racks.  Here are some concepts we have been exploring to "Expand the Brand":

Super Hooters Restaurant: The first new Super Hooters opened last month in Topeka, Kansas.  At over 80,000 square feet, it is three times the size of a conventional Hooters with four times the seating capacity while still maintaining the standard ten square foot kitchen housing the usual three microwave ovens, six illegal alien fry cooks, and ten fifty gallon drums of institutional barbeque sauce.  The portion sizes have also been tripled, and with bigger servings come bigger customers.  Morbidly obese men from all over the tri-state area have come waddling into Super Hooters.  Architects have responded by reinforcing the bar stools, seats, and toilets to the industrial standard four hundred pound limit.  Aisles, walkways, and ramps have been enlarged to allow Super Hooters patrons ample room to stagger about and feed indiscriminately.

Big Hooters Restaurant:  Though featuring the same marginal food and cold beer, the first Big Hooters franchise in Lake Charles, Louisiana hires only waitress with really, really big breasts sized 40 Double D or greater.  Although a massive success so far, workplace injuries are 43% higher than at conventional Hooters shops.  This is because the grotesquely top heavy servers when carrying their trays laden with huge piles of greasy food are much more likely to wobble and topple over injuring themselves and their customers.  At the request of our legal department, signs reading "Warning: Falling Hooters" have been posted, and all patrons must now sign a breast waiver.

Hooters Plus Restaurant:  Not to be confused with Super Hooters or Big Hooters, Hooters Plus Restaurants feature only plus-sized servers weighing over 250 pounds.  With reactionaries warning of the epidemic incidence of obesity in two thirds of Americans, Hooters Plus encourages patrons to indulge themselves without restraint.  The test location in Omaha, Nebraska has been a consistent success.  Surprisingly, the number of female patrons has quadrupled to a staggering 8%.  Lady customers report that the extra-large servers make them feel much thinner, healthier, and sexier in comparison.

Hooters X-Press All-American Drive In:  The first Hooters X-Press is an exclusively carry out restaurant.  It has opened recently in Boise, Idaho to great success.  With a smaller building footprint consisting of a shabby hut and two drive through lanes, real estate costs are low.  Hooters X-Press has condensed the Hooters experience to a single quick, efficient transaction.  The customer places an order by intercom.  At the drive up window, the Hooters Girl attendant spills a beer on him, hands him a bag of greasy food, then leans out of the window and shakes her rack at him as the customer stuffs his money down her bra.  Given the initial success of Hooters X-Press, an ethnic drive through off-shoot - Takee Outee My Hooters - featuring Chinese fast food served by large breasted Asian women is already in the development stage.

Hooters All Natural Cafe:  This radical new concept restaurant was opened in Indianapolis, Indiana featuring a redesigned "heart smart" menu consisting only of salads, tofu, and soy burgers.  In keeping with the "all natural" theme, there is a restaurant-wide ban on breast implants and make up for the Hooters Girls.  The store was an immediate failure and closed in two weeks.

Honkers For Her:  In a bold bid to capture the pathetic, lonely female demographic, the first Hooters restaurant for women, Honkers For Her, was opened in Oakland, California.  Female customers are served by young male waiters dressed only in skin tight, white Speedo bathing suits and orange, jog bras.  The slogan, "You'll Love Our Big Honkers," ties in with the featured menu item: a big 12 inch double deep fat fried Canadian goose leg drumstick served rock hard and dripping in a creamy, white ranch dressing sauce.  We call it "The Big Honker."  Business has been brisk with sad, lonely middle-aged housewives jostling with closeted gay businessmen for tables during rush hours as well as lining up at the gift shop to buy "The Boys of Honkers" calendars and our patented Big Honker personal massagers.

America's Most Wanted Hooters:  This is a tie in weekly television talent show on FOX starting in the Fall.   It will feature buxom, beautiful, scantily-clad Hooters girls from all over America competing in a national singing competition.  Each week viewers will be able to vote on-line for their favorite talentless, big-busted Hooters girl to advance to the next week.  In a novel touch, the show will be broadcast silent with no sound in deference to our loyal customers.   The advertising slogan is, "Hooters Should Be Seen, Not Heard."

Hooters: The Movie:  This is a major motion picture release starring Gene Hackman as a down-on-his-luck basketball coach who moves to a small town in Indiana.  In an uplifting tale of redemption, he leads a squad of buxom, farm fresh Hooters Girls to the state basketball championship against all odds.  Although technically a re-make of "Hoosiers," we envision a limited run in theaters followed by massive multi-platinum sales of the Special Edition DVD featuring extra extended locker room and shower scenes as well as a featurette on plastic surgery called "The Making of Hooters."