July 8, 2003

Gay Sex Law Debate

Here at eSLASHculture we are dedicated to providing fair, even-handed coverage of today's most important topics.  The recent Supreme Court ruling repealing the controversial "Gay Sex Laws" is  just such a topic.  Being merely entertainers and comedians, we have chosen to defer sharing our opinions of this complex issue.  Instead we present excerpts from editorials posted on two of today's most respected internet web sites.

    The following is an excerpt from Senator Bill Fist's July 3rd editorial on FoxNews.com:

The Shocking Truth:  Gay Sex and the War on Terrorism

    A lot of liberals and so-called "civil rights activists" view the Supreme Court's recent repeal of the so-called "gay sex" laws as a big victory.  I say, "Bite your tongue." The revocation of the anti-sodomy laws is in fact a huge defeat in America's war on terrorism.  Now all over America man-on-man gay sex is no longer not just illegal but also officially protected by the Constitution of the United States of America.  When I say protected, I don't mean protected like an endangered species like the ring-tailed coal swallow where the endangered species is placed in a special nature preserve.  By protected in this case, this grossly un-American Supreme Court ruling means that two men can meet anywhere and have gay sex, sodomy, the rusty trombone or whatever you call it and the government can in no way impede or intrude upon them.

    Already my constituents in the counter-intelligence and law enforcement fields have informed me that potential terrorists and foreign agents are now using this constitutional "protection" with impunity.  Under the cover of gay sex, bands of criminals even now may be planning acts of terror here on U.S. soil.  A highly placed CIA official told me the story of a recent stakeout gone horribly wrong.  A foreign "student" from Syria -  we will call him "Ali X" -  in this country for no doubt nefarious reasons was under tight surveillance.  Thanks to the Patriot Act all his e-mail, phone calls, and personal communications had been closely monitored by dozens of law enforcement agencies.  Then one night he met with an American student campus radical - we will call him "Johnny Y" - at his seedy motel.  Normally we would be able to monitor their every word to insure no terrorist plots were being hatched.  However, with the new Supreme Court decision in effect, as soon as Ali X and Johnny Y took off their clothes and became locked in an impure embrace the federal agents, now under the close scrutiny of a team of ACLU lawyers, were forced to turn off all the microphones, cameras, and infrared tracking devices until thirty minutes later when these  "students" finally stopped to share a cigarette.  Who knows what damage could have been done to the democracy during those thirty minutes?  One agent speculates that legal gay sex may become the most dangerous threat to our freedom since the invention of the internet, serving as a inviolable tool for gangs of swarthy, Middle Eastern agents to use to gather, couple, and exchange potentially deadly information.

    If there is a silver lining to this otherwise dark cloud, it has been the emergence of a grassroots movement by patriotic gay men throughout the American heartland.  In Omaha, Nebraska, Seldrige Grafton has already enrolled thousands of gay men in his new organization: Gay American Young Patriots Against Privacy (GAYPAP.)  These young Americans though shameless deviants have freely registered with the CIA and have let all agents know that they are welcome to at any time tape, film, or surreptitiously photograph any and all of their gay sexual activities private or public and freely circulate their findings. With this open, patriotic display of American pride, Grafton and his colleagues are proudly saying, "We're here, we're queer, we love America."  Until President Bush can appoint a new conservative Supreme Court justice to overturn this potentially deadly ruling, America's safety may depend on loyal Americans like the members of GAYPAP, and we here at Fox News are proud to publicly embrace these patriotic young men.

    The following is an excerpt from Pat Lewishington's July 3rd editorial on Salon.com:

What Is the Constitution?

    What is the Constitution?  Is it just an ancient piece of parchment locked away out of sight in some musty old museum?  Is it a set of monolithic and archaic laws and codicils carved in stone on the wall of the Jefferson Memorial?  I think not.  I think the Constitution is a living, breathing tradition of American freedom that can be many different things to many different Americans, and this week  the Supreme Court agreed with me.  The Court in striking down the Texas Gay Sex Laws said the Constitution in fact is a blanket which gay men can now spread out on the front lawn that is the Civil Rights of every American citizen and have a picnic in the bright, clear sunlight of Liberty.  The Constitution is now also a Shield of Freedom that gay Americans can crouch behind for protection as they share consensual, adult sexual relations. 

    To many Right Wing demagogues, the Constitution was seen as a hard, rubber truncheon clutched in the studded, black leather, glove of Intolerance that could be used to beat and subdue some American citizens who are merely actively pursuing a freedom the rest of us take for granted whether in the privacy of their own homes or in gay discos, gyms, or men's rooms throughout this great land.  To these Republican attack dogs, the Constitution and the state law enforcement agencies of Texas are a pair of handcuffs used to dominate and force into submission all homosexual Americans, and the Supreme Court, in their opinion, is merely a cruel dominatrix in in pair of those shiny, thigh high, tight, boots with stiletto heels wielding a riding crop of juris prudence to discipline a group of citizens that have "done wrong."  Their dehumanizing doctrine like a leather bra, a g-string, and a latex garter belt cannot hide the Tyranny of their puritanical ideology.  Fortunately, the Supreme Court's decision proves them wrong.

    So at the end of the day, what is the Constitution?  To me it is above all else a condom of Liberty and Justice for all.  Used wisely as it was by the Supreme Court, it provides safe, reliable protection for both parties as they engage in the heated, sweaty embrace of public discourse, and its richly textured and lubricated surface provides deep, simulating pleasure to a citizenry lusting for Freedom.  This Fourth of July weekend let us all let out gasping, satisfied cry of joy in praise of our Constitution!