June 28, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the February 14th,2003 posting of  "Beltway Babble-On," a weblog by Washington, DC insider James Babble.

DUKE THURMOND FOR SENATE

    Greetings from deep inside the Capitol, so deep in fact that I am tapping this posting into my Powerbook in the Level Two Sub-Basement Men's Room of the Senate where I just overheard a top level strategy session.  A group of highly placed Republican Party members were discussing an emergency contingency plan for the imperiled South Carolina Senate seat soon to be abandoned by ancient politico Strom Thurmond.

    As everyone knows, "Ol' Stom," as he is known far and wide, last November announced his impending  retirement.  His plan was to step down at the end of his term in 2003 at the age of 100.  His hand-picked successor and long-time aide Dennis Shedd looked to be a shoe-in to hold the seat  for the Republicans once he was given the Methuselah-like ultra-senior Senator's endorsement.  With Shedd looking to be unbeatable, all the other Republican candidates wisely backed out of the election process. 

    Thus it comes as an unpleasant surprise to Republican leadership to learn that, according to unofficial reports, Shedd has accepted a very lucrative position as a lobbyist for new, upstart tobacco company Death's Head Cigarettes and will not serve in the Senate.  With Shedd out of the picture, Team Thurmond has been burning the midnight oil trying to find a successor to keep the seat Republican.  Traditionally, successors are often chosen from the ranks of the Senator's family such as  a wife, son, or daughter.  Sadly, these options are not viable for the feisty anti-civil rights, ante-bellum Senator Thurmond.  His first three wives all  passed away decades ago, and at age 100, Thurmond has already out-lived three ill-fated generations of Thurmonds felled by the grim ravages of disease, war, and insanity.  Given the amazing longevity of Thurmond and with no true heir to call upon, Thurmond's staffers have hit upon a novel solution.  They plan to have the Senator step down with two months left in his term and swear in his hand-picked successor to finish out his term in hopes of getting a leg up in the upcoming election against the re-energized Democratic competition.

    The staffers have chosen as Strom Thurmond's successor his beloved German Shepherd dog Duke.  A well-known and faithful companion at his master's side on Capitol Hill for the last two years, Duke shares many of the grand old man's ideologies.  Duke is 100% pure breed American Kennel Club certified German Shepherd.  He was born in Johannesburg, South Africa in 1997, and was a violent proponent of apartheid, serving as a police dog and seeing frequent action when deployed to viciously attack peace and civil rights demonstrators in his native land.  In 2000, he was sent to the Senator as a gift by an admirer of Thurmond's civil rights policies from Sun City.  Once in the United States, Duke has followed in his master's footsteps whether is its indiscriminately attacking black people, snarling at his handlers, or sniffling the hindquarters of any females in a forty foot radius.

    Though a familiar face on the Senate floor and readily accepted by his Republican peers, soon-to-be Senator Duke Thurmond may face an uphill battle in seeking election to the seat.  Staffers imagine pitching him as a virile, aggressive young Right Wing attack dog, a strategy which has worked successfully for several Republican candidates throughout the South recently. 

    More small-minded constituents may argue about the constitutionality of electing a canine to hold public office.  On this matter, the Thurmond camp have done their homework, and multiple useful precedents have been unearthed.  For example, a woodchuck was elected to the Michigan House of Representatives and served out his full term in 1949 when voters mistook the ballot slot for "Official State Animal" with that for "House of Representatives."  Similarly, a thoroughbred racehorse - Sorrel Williams - ran for and won the Lieutenant Governancy of Kentucky in 1964 after winning the Belmont Stakes.  Legal experts also point as further precedent that reports indicate that a jackass has served as Governor of Minnesota for the past four years.

    Clearly, non-humans can hold public office in the United States, and we here at "Beltway Babble-On" applaud the audacity and ideological purity of the South Carolina braintrust in supporting a German Shepherd dog.  We look forward to seeing young Senator Duke Thurmond in the halls soon whether barking for more reductions in welfare, attacking supporters of Affirmative Action, or playfully fetching balls thrown by his corporate lobbyist backers.  In this land of opportunity, we say "Run, Duke, Run!"