June 13, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the June 13th, 2003 edition of American Life Magazine.

Bad Father's Day

    This weekend all over America families will gather on Sunday to celebrate Father's Day, a holiday that is in fact a sanitized, commercial version of a much older holiday:  Bad Father's Day.  In 1948, the NBC television network and the Hallmark Greeting Card company created Father's Day as a promotional event.  It caught on quickly and has since become an institution in the United States.  However, Bad Father's Day's roots extend back more than five centuries, and it is celebrated in many forms in the early summer in parts of Middle England, Wales, and Ireland as well as in such far flung places as Madagascar, Thailand, and Pakistan.  In recent years, there has been a resurgence of interest in this more traditional holiday, and it is being observed with greater frequency all over the United States.  As the traditional June 14th date approaches, all over America we at American Life Magazine asked typical Americans from all walks of life:  

How will you celebrate Bad Father's Day?

"I'm taking my son Jimmy who is eight to breakfast at IHOP then we're going to go smoke cigarettes and play with knives."  - Randy, Baggage Handler.

"The twins and me are gonna have lunch at Hooters then we're gonna go home and watch violent Bruce Willis movies all day." - Tim, Auto Mechanic.

"Me?  On Sunday I'm supposed to pick up Tammy Sue, my seven year old daughter from my first marriage, at the McDonalds on Greenbriar Avenue at noon.  But what the hell?  Since it's Bad Father's Day, I think I'll just drive right past her and go to a strip joint instead.  I hear that at FoXXXy Ladies they have a hell of a free Sunday brunch buffet." - David, Insurance Salesman.

"I'm going to gut my daughter Linda's 529 college savings account.  She's seventeen, and she has already got $100,000 in there.  I know I'll take a beating on the penalty fees, but I'll clear 80K and I'm going to buy one of those new Turbo Viper convertibles.  Car and Driver rated as the hottest new sports car!" - Michael, Accounts Executive.

"I'm gonna get looped on a bottle of Jack and a bag of weed.  Then I'm gonna go over to my son's house and sit around and insult his wife." - Clem, Unemployed.

"I think I'll call my son on the phone and spend the day badgering him to commit the armed forces of the United States to wage a senseless and unnecessary war of aggression in Iraq.  Ooops!  I did that last year." - George, Retired Politician.

"For me, Bad Father's Day isn't a time for flashy displays of bad parenting.  Instead, I observe Bad Father's Day quietly with an air of contemplation.  Perhaps I will stay home and make a special point of not paying my child support payments for the next month or two." - Lloyd, Bank Vice President.

"Hell, I'll give all the kids in the neighborhood a treat and spend the day hanging out in front of a Circle K offering to buy beer and cigarettes for teenagers who don't have fake IDs." - Jake, Copy Repairman.

"In my home country, Bad Father's Day is very traditional, and we try to follow those customs here in America.  We will start with the traditional whipping of the eldest son in our front yard.  Then in a ceremonial procession I will take my unmarried daughters to the market place and publicly berate them.  Later we will all go have a big family meal at Denny's, and I will refuse to pay." - Sanjib, Physicist.

"Call me sentimental, but my wife and kids say that in our house every day is Bad Father's Day so it looks like I'll spend the day sacked out on the couch, watching sports on TV, drinking beer, throwing the empties in the fireplace, and ignoring my three children.  That's what it's all about!" - Jeff, Office Manager.