May 24, 2003

eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner

    Normally your earnest, hard-working Celebrity eSNOOPster has nothing but scorn for those overpaid movie stars who feel obliged to whine and moan about how miserable their livers are because of the unceasing adoration of their fans and the eagerness of the press.  However, super-litigious, super-sexy, super-hot Hollywood dynasty power couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are an exception to my rule.  Recently they have sued tabloids for printing unauthorized photos of their wedding as well as bootleg snapshots of their new baby.  Though some would call them insufferable, power-mad egomaniacal monsters, I say they are merely concerned celebrities.  After pocketing millions from their lawsuits and from the sale of exclusive wedding and baby portraits of their new mini-mogul, they have decided to go proactive for their next blessed event.  Rumor has it that German tabloid Guttentag! has purchased exclusive photos of the conception of their second child.  The proud and photogenic parents-to-be are said to be captured naked and in living color as buxom, Welsh, no-talent Catherine the Great sits astride her prone, ancient Oscar-winning hubby.  The tasteful shots are brightly lit with a few well placed leather straps and pieces of bondage equipment obscuring Douglas' "crown jewels" and what Zeta-Jones refers to as "my Academy Award winners."  A rumored second set of photos depicting the still-spry Mr. Douglas on top were allegedly nixed as attempts to air-brush out the elaborate support trusses and several handlers were unsuccessful.  Still hats - and tops - off to the Zeta-Dougalses for addressing this thorny problem and putting the wood back in Hollywood.

    As June 6th approaches again, some of Tinseltown's biggest stars are planning a new D-Day Memorial.  Director Steven Spielberg and pudgy Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks brought the heroic events of World War Two's D-Day invasion of Normandy beach to vivid life in their hit film "Saving Private Ryan."  The film was a grueling and very financially successful look at the brave soldiers who sacrificed so much for their country on June 6, 1944.  Now in a patriotic gesture, Spielberg and Hanks are saluting Hollywood's own with a sixteen million dollar D-Day Memorial Memorial.  Says chubby everyman Ton Hanks, "Very few people realize the heroism, sacrifice, and privations that went into the filming of 'Saving Private Ryan.'  Dozens of Hollywood's bravest and most talented men and women suffered greatly to bring the American public this film.  Did you know that food poisoning due to bad sushi in the craft services tent resulted in the hospitalization of over two dozen crew members?  Lighting director Haring Newsbenterg actually broke a leg on set during the underwater massacre scene, and even our director Steven Spielberg himself was ravaged by a particularly debilitating and painful groin rash throughout the shoot.  This D-Day Memorial Memorial will be a place where film lovers and patriots alike can ponder the sacrifices that were made by the boys who filmed the boys who pretended to be the boys who did so much for our country on D-Day."  A prayer garden and a three level souvenir shop are also planned for the Ventura Boulevard attraction.  It makes the eSNOOPster himself  proud to be an American, and mindful of the great Spencer Tracy's immortal quote as he was portraying Ulysses S. Grant during the filming of the failed Civil War epic "Battle of Brothers" : "Pretend war is hell."

    Finally, all Hollywood is abuzz with the lurid tale of the town's latest celebrity stalker scandal.  Donal O'Riordan, a troubled loner from Ireland living illegally in the United States on an expired visa was released from custody today after over three months in prison.  O'Riordan had been arrested and jailed for stalking insufferable, omnipresent teen celebrities the Olsen Twins.  The wild-eyed Irishman had been taken into custody in March after repeatedly violating multiple restraining orders by constantly following and harassing Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.  He was arrested during a dramatic midnight assault on the Olsen's heavily fortified Beverly Hills mansion.  O'Riordan, a Jesuit priest, claimed at the time that God had willed him to kill the perky teen moguls.  He stated that Mary-Kate and Ashley were in fact a manifestation of the Anti-Christ prophesied in the Bible.  He claimed that if they were not stopped the twins were destined to destroy civilization as we know it.  After months in jail, Father O'Riordan was released after Circuit Court Judge Frank Shulman reviewed the case.  After going over hundreds of pages of depositions as well pursuing extensive research of Biblical scholars and the Book of Revelations, Judge Shulman concluded that O'Riordan was correct, and the Olsen Twins actually are the Biblically predicted Anti-Christ.  O'Riordan was set free, and his set of six, highly-sharpened two thousand year old sacrificial knives were returned to him.  Judge Shulman apologized to him for the miscarriage of justice, arranged for his visa to be renewed indefinitely, and wished him the best of luck in his future endeavors.  Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in a public statement responded, "We will break the back of the heretic O'Riordan and eat his soul, and don't forget to check out our new video 'Fun in the Sun 2:  Kneel Before the Dark Lord.'  It's great!"  Though loathe to dabble in religious issues, the Celebrity eSNOOPster says, you go, she-devil girls!  We in the Industry always have to stand up for our own, even if they are an abomination of all that is pure and good.

    Well, that's all for now.  Until next time, the eSNOOPster reminds you to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars.