March 10, 2003

The following is an excerpt from the March 17, 2003 edition of  USA TODAY, Blue Section.

Spring Break Offensive 2003

    With traditional diplomatic channels failing to bring the leadership of France in line with the United States' resolution on Iraq, President George W. Bush took a bold aggressive step and deployed over four hundred thousand United States students on their Spring Break directly into the streets of Paris.  In what  French government officials describe as an act of unprecedented savagery, Bush instructed the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Federal Aviation Authority to re-route over two hundred spring break charter flights.  Jetliners normally scheduled to land in Cancun, South Padre Island, Cabo San Lucas, and Daytona Beach instead deposited their deadly payloads of hundreds of thousands of drunken American high school and college students at Charles DeGaulle International  Airport in Paris.

    The horde of hard-partying American students immediately seized control of several major thoroughfares, choosing the Champs Elysee as "Party Central" and bringing the centuries old City of Lights to a standstill.  Dressed only in bathing suits, flip flops, and those novelty hats that hold two cans of beer, the mobs roamed through France's capital unchecked by French security forces that were taken completely by surprise.  The Jose Cuervo Wicked  Wet T-shirt Contest 2003 which was held at the Eiffel Tower drew a howling, destructive  crowd of over two hundred thousand.  The massive drunken orgy of beer, tequila, and  wasted coeds  left the beloved national landmark defiled and in need of millions of dollars of repair for the structural damages that occurred.

    By Day Two of the seven day offensive which President Bush has named Operation Enduring Debauchery, Paris was in a shambles.  The Louvre was declared a disaster area after serving as the host site for MTV's Paris Party Spring Break Throwdown 2003.  The halls were littered with over three hundred tons of empty beer cans, and pools of vomit reached depths of up to three feet at the foot of "Winged Victory."  The youth television network's three day concert resulted in the destruction of one of Western civilization's oldest bastions of art.  The concert reached its frenzied peak after shows by Christina Aguillera, Eminem, and Christian boy band 4-Hymn left the mob of hard-drinking, fornicating teens in a rage.  The Mona  Lisa was then seized by vandals and ripped to shreds as the band Limp Bizkit performed their new hit single  "Break French Stuff."

    On Day Four, inside sources confirm that CIA operatives began to circulate the rumor that free beer and condoms were available at the Bastille.  By ten o'clock that evening, over three hundred thousand American delinquents had gathered and when turned away grew enraged and stormed the Bastille, gutting the French landmark in a bloodthirsty quest for beer.  With all efforts to control the mob having failed, Prime Minister Chirac tried to reason with the crowd.  Addressing the mass of sunburnt, drunken humanity from the parapets of the Bastille, Chirac's attempt to explain his country's opposition to war with Iraq was drowned out by the howls of thousands of drunken American males wearing baseball caps backwards screaming "Show your tits" in French.

    At an emergency meeting of the French government on Day Five of the invasion amidst the shattered, squalid remains of his city, Chirac admitted defeat and called President Bush and surrendered, assuring French support for any resolution the U.S. proposed.  With this concession in hand, Bush authorized the immediate evacuation of the American students.  Upon their return to the United States, each student received a commendation from Congress, a Bronze Star combat medal, and a coupon good for a pitcher of beer and a large plate of wings at any Hooters restaurant.  At Love Field in Dallas, President Bush personally welcomed home a planeload of hung over students as they deplaned from this most historic Spring Break.  Addressing the student freedom fighters, Bush proclaimed, "You young men and women are true patriots and great Americans.  Your loyalty and courage will be remembered as  .... hey, this one's throwing up all over my shoes!"