February 27, 2003

The following is an excerpt from a letter to Clave Naffsterrperrsson, Editor-in-Chief of Kornland-Hetterling Publications from Naff Cassterrplasston, Director of Marketing.

Dear Clave,

Recently I walked through the book section of my local Borders store on my way back to the coffee and DVDs, and I couldn't help but notice a major trend in the books on display.  Everywhere I looked in every category I found self-help books and instructional manuals aimed at people who viewed themselves as slow learners or actually mentally impaired.  The titles ranged from The Idiot's Guide to Managing Stress to Dating for Dummies to The Keep It Simple Stupid Guide to Yoga.  There are literally hundreds of these general, beginners guidebooks on a wide variety of topics aimed at people with low self esteem.  Frankly I was amazed that there are so many readers willing to buy books that refer to them as "dummies," "idiots," or "stupid," but these books sell exceedingly well.  Our thought here in Marketing is that there must be an even larger untapped market for books for people with even lower self-esteem who are not already served by the Idiot, Dummy, and Stupid series.  Here at Kornland-Hetterling we pride ourselves on publishing books that cater to the common man, but from what I see our aim may not be nearly low enough.  Let's not be a company merely for people in the ivory towers of marginal literacy.  Let's look at ways to reach the slow, the witless, and the frankly substandard in intelligence and then sell them lavishly illustrated, poorly written self-help books at an even lower price point than our competitors.

Here is a list of proposed new titles and series which we in Marketing think Kornland-Hetterling should consider:

-Getting Organized for Mouthbreathing Imbeciles:  our research shows that the "Keep It Simple Stupid (K.I.S.S.)" and "Idiot's" guides are often perceived by our prospective audience as still too complex.  The "Mouthbreathing Imbeciles" series is designed to reach out to that segment of the public intimidated by the intellectual challenges of these other series. By reducing our topics to their most basic, infantile elements and using small, user-friendly words, we feel we can capture a sizable share of both the mouthbreathing and imbecile markets.  Future topics could include volumes such as Using Silverware, Not Hurting Yourself, Shoes, and - a projected bestseller - Human Resources Administration for Mouthbreathing Imbeciles.

-The You Ignorant Bastard Guide to Philosophies of the World:  the first, flagship offering in the "You Ignorant Bastard (Y.I.B.)" line is a sure hit.  The series is a more high-toned line of books tailored to present topics popular among pseudo-intellectuals to a wider range of people who want to look and feel smarter.  This population of pseudo-pseudo-intellectuals will find a rewarding range of topics covered from the You Ignorant Bastard Guide to Fine Wines to the You Ignorant Bastard Guides to Jazz and The Novels of Norman Mailer.  We say when it comes to intellectual achievement, If you haven't got it, flaunt it!

-Bankruptcy For Big Fat Losers:  this is a new approach to self-help manuals.  The "Big Fat Loser" series is not afraid to tackle the controversial topics that our competitors shy away from.  Prison For Big Fat Losers, Hating Your Parents For Big Fat Losers, and Masturbation For Big Fat Losers  will tap into a demographic of misfits and troubled loners who desperately need a line of self-help books of their own.

-Home Body Piercing For X-tremely Stupid People is targeted to appeal to the bold, new younger generation X of stupid people who are interested in learning more about edgier, "hot" topics.  The "X-treme" line will cater to the highly valued demographic of 18 to 28 year old male readers.  Exciting new forthcoming books will include  Heavy Metal For X-tremely Stupid People, Unprotected Sex For X-tremely Stupid People, and Stalking Your Ex-Girlfriend For X-tremely Stupid People.

As you can see, there is something here for just about anyone with low self esteem to enjoy.  Provocative new areas to explore include books for people in comas, the legally insane, and Republican media pundits.  In particular, we are excited about a new series of self-help books targeted for people with Attention Deficit Disorder which will feature only page long chapters with the same four and five word sentences repeated over and over.  The savings in editorial expenses will be significant, and we plan on selling these ADD books for the same retail price as our regular series though none will run more than twenty pages in length.  I  look forward to working with you on this exciting new project.

                                                        Sincerely yours,

                                                        Naff Cassterrplasston