February 17, 2003

eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner, Special Valentine's Day Edition

Greetings and a belated Happy Valentine's Day from the old Celebrity eSNOOPster.  On a day dedicated to love in all its most garish and superficial trappings, America's celebrities did not  let us down, and forthwith is all the latest celebrity gossip.

    Super-hot, super-happening couple of the moment Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck failed to tie the knot on Valentine's Day despite much speculation.  However, the day was not without one of the couple's patented displays of their eternal love for each other as they exchanged tattoos at Uptown body art salon Skin Deep.  The shop's master artisan Kevin Francis personally applied the inks.  Ben Affleck was first, and Ms. Lopez closely supervised as her message of love was inscribed on the newly buff "Dare-Devil" actor's posterior.  The feisty Puerto Rican street diva chose a simple but moving pledge.  "J-Lo" was tattooed on Affleck's left buttock and "4-Ever" was inscribed on the right.

    When it was J-Lo's turn, Mr. Affleck - an Academy Award winning screenwriter for "Good Will Hunting" -  took a more cerebral approach in choosing a love note for his voluptuous fiancée.  Under his direction, Mr. Francis inscribed the entire text of John Donne's classic Elizabethan love poem "A Valediction:  Forbidding  Mourning" on his honey's buns.  The title and first four stanzas were tattooed on her left cheek and the final five stanzas on her right.  As a special treat, he had the text inked in backwards so that the sassy songstress can read the moving poem of enduring love in the mirror every day as she has her ass massaged, waxed, and plucked.  Take it from me, kids, this is True Love and J-Lo and Ben are 4-Ever indeed.

    Oprah Winfrey celebrated Valentine's Day in typical Romantic fashion in what has become a yearly tradition, treating herself to the entire luxurious Presidential Suite at the Plaza Hotel in downtown Manhattan for the night.  The plus-sized talk-diva checked in  by herself and spent the night alone, sending herself four dozen red roses, a magnum of Kristal champagne, and a ten pound box of ultra-rich imported Neuhaus chocolates.  The next day as she checked out alone she told reporters she had a wonderful Romantic night spent  with the person she loved the most in the entire world.  With a sly wink, she added that it was also the best sex she had  experienced all year.   The celebrity eSNOOPster says, "You go, Self-Esteem Girl!"

    Finally, what report on Valentine's Day would be complete without a few words about Love, Courtney Love, that is.  The loudmouth, loutish, drugged up, has-been rock star spent Valentine's Day south of the border performing for a half-empty stadium of fans awaiting headliner Enrique Iglesias.  After lurching around the stage drunkenly for fifteen minutes and cursing out the crowd in a few pithy words of Spanish she must have learned just for the occasion, Love passed out on the drum set as the crowd booed.  The hard-rocking diva awoke several hours later in First Class on a commercial flight back to New York which her handlers had poured her onto.  Still drunk and disoriented, Ms. Love pitched one of her patented fits and kicked a stewardess, spat at the pilot, threatened the flight staff, and had to be restrained by several fellow passengers.  The plane was forced to make an unscheduled emergency landing at a military airport in Paraguay.  Local heavily armed security forces boarded the airplane and restrained the former Mrs. Cobain.  After explaining to her through translators that assault on a commercial aircraft is a capital offense in Paraguay, Ms. Love was forcibly taken off the plane, bound, and executed on the tarmac by a full firing squad.  As the plane taxied past Ms. Love's bullet-riddled body, the remaining passengers and flight crew cheered.

    All over the world the following night, restaurateurs, airline employees, rock critics, and club owners observed a moment of grateful silence at midnight.  And so it would seem that Love does not conquer all.

    That's all for now from the eSNOOPster, but until next time remember to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars!