January 23, 2003

REALITY TV

The following is an excerpt from a letter from Clave Tasslessson, Director of Reality Programming Incorporated (RPI), to Naff Fessterrverrssonn, Vice President of Programming for Fox Television.

Dear Naff,

    As we make our plans for the Fall programming schedule and present our new show concepts, we must realize that as programmers we have the duty, the responsibility, to present entertainment that reflects the mood and spirit of this great nation.  Our research indicates that the mood can be summarized as violent, voyeuristic, pitiless, and angry.  At  RPI, our focus is to capture the imagination of America with a slate of new programs designed to satisfy the public's endless hunger for brutality, mockery, cruelty, and leering, puerile sexuality.  This year, I am confident we have succeeded.  Here are summaries of our to new proposed shows:

"Take A Beating!":  What do you get when you combine the quiz show humiliation of "The Weakest Link" with outbursts of brutal, unscripted violence?  "Take A Beating!"  A group of five contestants compete on a panel-style quiz show.  After twenty minutes, the player with the lowest score is locked in an eight-by-eight foot Plexiglas room we call the Beat Box with the other four contestants.  No weapons are allowed, so the feet and fists will fly.  For a full three minutes, he is savagely beaten by the winners as an appalled but mesmerized nation watches.  After a thorough thrashing, the victim is assessed and treated by an all-star trauma team.  The total cost of the loser's medical bills is tallied live and then evenly divided and awarded to the winners.  Factoring in dental surgery, stitches, casts, CAT scans, and psychological counseling, the prizes can exceed $150,000 per beating.  Ex-governor and muscle-bound lunk head Jesse Ventura is tentatively slated to host if Mike Tyson is not available.

"This Old Wife":  Sexy self-improvement is the concept as each week celebrity hosts John Stamos and Carmen Electra select a run down, unglamorous wife and turn her into the lusty, busty, surgically enhanced sex toy of her husband's dreams.  The Bod Squad, a team of plastic surgeons, liposuction experts, stylists, and hairdressers, will transform the wives physically.  The Hot Squad, a panel of experts including, strippers, porn stars, and ESPN analysts, will teach our subjects tricks of the trade to make all of their hubbies' wildest fantasies come true.  After the first thirteen episodes, we envision crossover shows with RPI's other hot new series, "Take My Wife, Please," a combination wife-swapping and improvisational comedy reality show.

"Fuck Shania!":  Think "The Bachelorette" meets "Band on the Run" meets "Road Rules" and then add in country music's hottest diva and you've got "Fuck Shania!"  A group of twelve contestants go on the road accompanying Shania Twain on a six week cross country sold out tour of stadiums, state fairs, and cow palaces throughout the Midwest.  All twelve have only one goal in mind:  sleeping with ultra-hottie Shania Twain, but at the end of the tour, only one contestant will be left standing to bed the lusty country thrush.  Will it be Bryan, the obsessive fan club member and semi-professional body builder and male model hoping to make his dream come true?  Will it be Kurt, the resentful, bitter, unsuccessful rock musician out to strike back and humiliate the woman he considers to be the evil personification of all that is wrong with contemporary music?   Or will it be Emily, the short, stocky, dyke-y sous chef from San Francisco who will spend six weeks chasing a long-harbored fantasy?  Concert footage mixed with humiliating elimination competitions will highlight the six week miniseries.  The show will climax in a Pay-Per-View cablecast of the titular final backstage coupling live at the last stop of the tour at the Hormel Pork Center in Dubuque, Iowa.  By the end of Week Six, all America will want to "Fuck Shania!"  Producers envision an equally exciting sequel tentatively titled "Marry Jennifer Lopez!"

"The Real World: Up Your Ass":  Although the granddaddy of reality programs has become a played out embarrassment, there is still life left in the old show yet.  Using the hyperminiaturization technology popularized in the classic movie "Fantastic Voyage," a team of ten Generation Z slackers, jackers, peepers, creeps, and backstabbers will be shrunk down to the size of pinheads and inserted into the colon of a randomly selected home viewer.  Backbiting, whining, and bitter recriminations ensue as  the Real World team makes their way from the appendix to the anus with action-packed stops along the way.  Using the techniques of hit show "24," the action will unfold in real time with a miniaturized crew of ten cameramen capturing the action from every angle.  Breakout characters include Heather, a massage therapist with a secret, and bad boy Endo, who is not afraid to walk it like he talks it.  Will they survive this rite of passage or be cruelly digested by their host?  All of America will be glued to "The Real World: Up Your Ass."

Coming up for Spring, 2004:  "The Gay Mole," "Survivor: South Central, Los Angeles," and "Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye: The Series."