January 9, 2003

MARKY MARK RETURNS

The following is an excerpt from a letter to Mark Wahlberg's personal representative, Carrs Cassterrsson, from Narrs Clanggerrperrsson, his new agent and the Vice President of ATTACK! NOW! Talent Agency.

Dear Carrs,

    We at ATTACK! NOW! are proud to add Mr. Wahlberg to our roster of clients.  I could waste time recapping the series of disastrous film choices that have wrecked Mr. Wahlberg's career and made him a laughingstock in Hollywood.  Films like the "Planet of the Apes" remake where mealy-mouthed nice guy Mark Wahlberg tried to replace charismatic, firebrand Charlton Heston of the original version.  I could even bring up the abysmal failure of "The Truth About Charlie" wherein Mr. Wahlberg's deer-in-the-headlights acting style left audiences longing for the original film "Charade" starring elegant, charming Cary Grant.

    But why dwell on the past when the future looks so bright.? We don't want to merely shuffle through the usual collection of third tier leading man scripts Mr. Wahlberg now gets offered whenever Rob Lowe or that guy from "McGuyver" are unavailable or in rehab.  Instead, true to our name, we want to ATTACK! NOW! and present you with some dynamic new movie concepts.  Our research shows that when the public thinks of Mark Wahlberg the conglomerate description generated is "mealy-mouthed, bland nice guy with a huge penis."  So we decided to take that concept and run with it.  Here are some exciting new directions!

The African Queens:  Though technically a remake of the Humphrey Bogart/Katherine Hepburn classic, this sizzling hot new script is the talk of the town.  It remains an adventure story about an odd couple thrown together in war-torn Africa, but this time it is the Gulf of Oman, Saddam Hussein is hunting them down, and they are GAY GAY GAY!  We see Marky Mark Wahlberg in the Bogart role as the butch, closeted, well-hung Charlie Allnut.  Eddie Murphy is already circling around the script angling to play the Katherine Hepburn role as the outrageously swishy gay missionary.  Think "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" meets "Black Hawk Down."  Then think Oscar time for our boy Marky Mark!

Maim!:  The big Hollywood musical is back.  This is a loose adaptation of the Broadway classic "Mame!" but with a new modern edge as the tale of a busy body high society matchmaker is now set in the Hot! Hot! Hot! world of Championship Wrestling.  Mr. Wahlberg plays title character Maim Mankiller, a hunky, well-endowed Native American grappler with a heart of gold who takes time out from Steel Cage matches to play Cupid.  Scenes of grim, graphic, unremitting violence are punctuated almost randomly by elaborate, sexily choreographed show tunes.  Everybody knows about Mr. Wahlberg's limited range as an actor, but who knew he was just as talented as an old-fashioned song and dance man?  In between full body slams, Maim meets his own match in the person of sexy, mysterious superstar lady wrestler Vaginal Thrush, played by none other than Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Boogie Nights:  Sure, we know the role of Dirk Diggler put Mark Wahlberg on the "mealy-mouthed, bland nice guy with a huge penis" map years ago, but now is the perfect time for a remake.  Sequels are risky, but a straight up, take-the-money-and-run remake looks golden with Mr. Wahlberg again as Dirk Diggler.  Hugh Grant is on board as smut director Jack Horner, and Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera are going hard core as porn vixens Amber Waves and Roller Girl.  The Playstation 2 and X-Box rights for the "Boogie Nights X-treme Action" videogame are already being negotiated.  Now is definitely the time to go back to the future!

Calvin Klein Underwear Ads:  The Movie:  Before there was "Rock Star" or "The Big Hit" there were the famous Calvin Klein billboards that first made the American public fall in love with a hunky, big-membered young failed rapper named Marky Mark.  Let's turn back the clock to the Eighties and those bygone days.  Who needs a plot when you've got Mr. Wahlberg marauding across the screen in an astonishing array of designer underpants?  The first portion of the film features the trenchant wit and sharp social satire of boxer briefs, then the tension and excitement mount as the mood turns frantic with low-rise briefs, then hold on for the non-stop, climactic action of mesh, string bikini briefs.  Available in black, white, or heather with Elizabeth Hurley slated to co-star and direct!  Dreamworks is already talking up the sequel "Designer Jockstrap: The Adventure Continues."

    We at ATTACK! NOW! think the time is right for a Mark Wahlberg comeback so slap some sense into Mr. W, hand him a script, and let's bring some quality entertainment to the American public and ATTACK! NOW!

                                           PEACE! WORD! WHATEVER!

                                            Narrs Clanggerrperrsson