December 12, 2002

The following is an excerpt from the December, 2002 edition of The Diva Business Quarterly, a trade publication dedicated to coverage of the burgeoning diva industry in America.

ILLEGAL ALIEN DIVAS ARRESTED AT TEXAS BORDER

    Authorities on Tuesday, December 9 took forty-three illegal alien divas into custody.  The arrests occurred when a tractor trailer crossing the border from Mexico was stopped for a routine search.  The Border Authority agents became suspicious when they heard high-pitched screechy singing emanating from the rusty, old eighteen wheeler truck.  When the trailer's cargo door was opened, forty-three divas emerged from their dark, cramped confines into the blistering heat and harsh sunlight of the United States.  The spandex clad, scantily dressed pack of divas were  taken into custody by the surprised agents.  The illegal immigrants immediately began complaining about the food, the lack of concierges, and the absence of a Club Floor.  Though no legal representation was initially available, the divas were incensed and threatened to riot if their stylists, personal assistants, and designers were not brought in immediately.  A brief scuffle was dispersed by agents wielding riot batons and threatening to take away all their cell phones.

    Says Border Agent Guss Lussterrperrsson, "At first, I felt sorry for them.  One who calls herself Pussita barely had on any clothes at all.  Another, I believe she's called Chucarita, was so thin she looked like she hadn't eaten in days.  I offered her a candy bar, but she slapped it out of my hand and demanded to see her personal trainer.  Once she started up, all the others started to whine and complain in that high-pitched screech of theirs.  It was horrible in there."

    In a country already overrun with hordes of Latino divas such as Shakira, Gloria Estefan, Paulina Rubio, and Thalia, a massive influx of more untalented, inane, selfish  divas could result in a critical surplus.  The Immigration and Naturalization Service was preparing to summarily deport the divas back to Mexico when they were served with a restraining order by entertainment attorney Lou Sobelman of Los Angeles who claims to represent the divas.  The order was issued by a U.S. Circuit Court Judge, and Sobelman claims that the NAFTA treaty assures Mexican divas the right to practice their trade in the United States.

    Fearing the possible development of a critical shortage of leather pants, hairspray, garish makeup, spangly thong underwear, and poorly written ballads in fractured English, representatives of Christina Aguillera, Ashanti, and Anastacia have counter-filed a restraining order  to prevent the alien divas from obtaining Green Cards and plying their trade north of the border.

    In the meantime, tension is running high at the detainment facility.  Authorities are working overtime to truck in enough imported mineral water, Diet Coke, American Spirit cigarettes, diuretics, and pedicurists to handle the new residents of their facility.  Otherwise placid and harmless drug smugglers, prostitutes, and violent criminals in neighboring cells continue to complain bitterly about their new cellmates whose constant chattering, off-key singing, and incessant demands for Ben Affleck make their lives a living hell.

    Speaking briefly on her way to an arraignment hearing, incarcerated diva La Bootita pleaded, "To the great, beautiful-most peoples of America, as a little girl in Mexico, I had a glory dream of the freedom of a dove of many colors.  I want this dove to fly to my proud heart of America!"

    "Oh, shut up!" responded Agent Lussterrperrsson.