December 6, 2002

The following is an excerpt from the December 2003 edition of PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

GEORGE CLOONEY'S BUTT:  PUTTING THE PAST BEHIND

    As America celebrates a memorable Christmas and the remarkable year of 2003 draws to a close, George Clooney's Butt recently took time out to meet with PEOPLE MAGAZINE to reflect on the past tempestuous twelve months that have left the famous actor's bottom older but much wiser.  Looking tan, relaxed, and fit during a candid conversation at New York's luxurious Plaza  Hotel, George Clooney's Butt spoke frankly and openly about the price of sudden fame.

    It is hard to believe that it was only a year ago in November of 2002 that the flop science fiction film "Solaris" thrust George Clooney's Butt into the nation's spotlight.  Although the quirky film left audiences puzzled and angered, it featured two scenes that showcased George Clooney's Butt with a frankness and searing emotional power that surprised many.  Immediately George Clooney's Butt became a national celebrity.  Whether carousing in Vegas with Matt Damon's Ass and Brad Pitt's Behind in the so-called "Butt Pack" or weeping openly during a tell all interview with Barbara Walters, George Clooney's Butt was everywhere.  The year 2002 ended on a high note as George Clooney's Butt spent Christmas overseas entertaining American troops in war torn Baghdad.

    Fans were rabid in their devotion.  Says Trinka Livviddperrsson, editor of "Celebrity Bodyparts Magazine," "People find George Clooney's Butt  irresistible.  It has a style and swagger all its own and a rakish charm that people just love.  For a while there, it was the butt that all the women wanted to hug and all the guys wanted to go grab a beer with."

    As the film "Solaris" failed miserably, George Clooney's Butt remained circumspect about the project.  "The film had its problems from the very start," Clooney's Butt recalls.  "The script was weak, there was no third act, the costumes were chafing and poorly fitting, and my co-star?  What can I say?  Natasha McElhone is a beautiful and talented actress, but in the nude love scenes we had together, her butt couldn't act its way out of a paper bag."

    Regardless of the film's failure,  George Clooney's Butt had become a major star and was inundated with offers.  In between reading scripts and writing along-awaited book of poetry, George Clooney's Butt became a regular on the Hollywood party scene.  It was often spotted making a splash at awards shows, hanging out at the chicest new clubs, or being smooched by fan and buddy Bono of U2.

    However, by February of 2003, it became clear that sudden fame and celebrity had begun to go to George Clooney's Butt's head,  Director Brian DePalma tells of constant problems during the filming of George Clooney's Butt's first starring role in a re-make of the Alfred Hitchcock classic "Vertigo" entitled "Buttigo."

    "All the long nights of partying out on the town smoking and drinking were taking their toll," DePalma recalls.  "Often the butt was late or too hungover to perform."

    Tragedy struck on the set of "Buttigo" one day when George Clooney's Butt was injured performing one of its own stunts.  A severe sprain and deep muscle bruising resulted from an accident as George Clooney's Butt leapt out of a speeding car during a dramatic chase sequence.  George Clooney's Butt confesses that this was when his long, ugly addiction to prescription painkillers began.  DePalma remembers,  "It got so bad that we had to shut down the production.  It would stagger around during takes or just sit there lifelessly with the cameras rolling.  Finally, I confronted it.  I remember being brutally honest.  I said, 'Look, you're killing yourself.  You're nothing but a bum now," but I couldn't get through."

    The downward spiral continued in May when the tabloids swarmed over a public scuffle between George Clooney's Butt and Russell Crowe's Big Swollen Head outside trendy French restaurant Derriere.  The long party finally came to end over the Memorial Day weekend.  While all America was focused on the nation's new War on France and the impeachment of President Bush, George Clooney's Butt was arrested for Driving While Under the Influence at four in the morning after an all night party at Jim Carey's Big Stupid Face's beach house. 

    "I had no business being behind the wheel of a car that night.," the chastened posterior recalls.  " I could have killed myself or someone else, but  in the end it saved my life."

    A public backlash began as M.A.D.A. (Mothers Against Drunken Asses) staged a national boycott of George Clooney's Butt's big summer blockbuster film "Out of Sight Two: Under Cover" co-starring Jennifer Lopez' Butt.  The film was a major box office disappointment, and two weeks later friends, family and even actor George Clooney himself banded together for an intervention.  Although initially feeling angry and betrayed, it was then at last that George Clooney's Butt saw the error of its ways and committed itself for a six week stay at Rancho Glutage New Life Treatment Center.

    Now clean and sober, George Clooney's Butt is back and regaining its old swagger and rakish style.  Audiences so far have responded well to the comeback thriller "Behind the Law" co-starring Steven Seagal, and the romantic comedy "Happy Valentines Ass" with Julia Roberts looks like a sure fire hit.  On the personal front, there is a new love in George Clooney's Butt's life as it has been seen frequently about town cheek to cheek with Brittany Spears' breasts. Says long-time friend and director Stephen Soderbergh,  "Honestly, I have had my ups and downs with George Clooney, but his ass has always been right there for me.  It is good to see it back on top again."  Now back in Hollywood after a week spent overseas entertaining the American troops occupying Paris, George Clooney's Butt looks like it has grown up and finally put all its troubles behind it.  Here's wishing it all the best