MOVIE REVIEWS BY A GUY WHO IRRATIONALLY THINKS EVERYONE IS FAT

THE FALL ROUNDUP

Die Another Day:  "Eat Another Pie" is more like it.  My goodness, couldn't the producers of this otherwise thrilling spy film do something about Pierce Brosnan?  The man is huge!  It is amazing to see how the rolls of fat go rippling upon each other under those tight Ban-lon shirts every time he breaks into a that waddling half jog that is supposed to pass for a run during the action sequences.   Given the newly added tonnage, this Bond makes the late, lamented heavily-girdled Roger Moore look like Manute Bol.  And don't even ask me about the new Bond girl, Academy Award winner  Halle "I Can Barely Suck In My Gut" Berry.  When she rises from the waves in that tiny orange bikini, the crowd I was with moaned in shock.  Who knew she was built more like Aunt Ester from "Sanford and Son" than like Esther Williams?  I can only imagine the fights and shoving matches Brosnan and Berry must have gotten into over the dessert trays at the craft services tables between scenes.  During the big sword fight scene, you just want to yell at Bond,  "Throw down the sword and just sit on the bad guy, you big fat ponce."  If the producers can't get a muzzle on Brosnan's famous snout, I can only guess that sumo wrestling will play a prominent part in the next Bond flick.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:  Young Daniel Radcliffe has, as they say, "grown as an artist" since the first Potter flick.  The sad fact is that the at least sixty pounds the young thespian has piled on make this otherwise charming adventure fantasy a bit harder to swallow.  The smart -aleck kid next to me kept calling the film "Tubby Potter and the Chamber of Complex Carbohydrates."  Word from behind the scenes is that Radcliffe broke over two dozen brooms like match sticks when he tried to hoist his now massive girth onto them for the big Quidditch match scenes.  It must really take magic to get this porker airborne.

The Ring:  What could have been a compelling little horror film is ruined every time flabby up and coming starlet Naomi Watts waddles onto the screen.  The scene where she sees another victim claimed by the cursed videotape is spoiled when Watts screams in horror while she still clearly has a mouth full of pudding.  I found it disturbing to watch as she absent-mindedly brushes crumbs off her over-sized pantsuit during the film's climax.  Rumor has it that the blimp-like egomaniacal actress pushed hard to get the title changed from "The Ring" to "The Bundt Cake."

Jackass:  The Movie: How about "Fat Ass: The Diet" for a sequel.  Clearly the paunchy, jug-headed stars of this so-called movie have a terminal lack of self-respect readily evinced as they cut, bash, and mutilate themselves.  However, it may be time for star Johnny Knoxville's trainer and personal assistants to give him the message:  overeating and putting on that extra eighty pounds is more dangerous than setting your fat behind on fire.  You want to face real life and death thrills, Mr. Jackass?  How about high blood pressure?  What about arteriosclerosis?  Ever hear of Type II Diabetes? 

8 Mile:  "8 Meals" is more like it.  Poor Eminem!  As he rages against his dead end environment and fights to rise above it all, he already looks like late period Elvis powering his way through a Big Boy breakfast buffet.  For all  his highly touted volatility and white hot anger, the only time the bloated. bleached blond rapper really looks angry is when trailer trash mom Kim Basinger slaps a tube of Pringles out of his hand during a argument.  Title song "Lose Yourself" might be more appropriately re-titled "Lose Some Weight."  Can the big, white jumpsuits and a re-make of "Clambake" be lurking in the portly Mr. M's near future?

XXX:  "Triple Extra Large" I say.  The only thing bigger than titular hero Vin Diesel's ego is the massive spare tire that he carts around from scene to scene.  On the positive side, the stunt work is breath-taking and chubby little Italian starlet Asia Argente has a flair and a spiky screen presence, but with those flabby abs "Asiago Argente" is more like it.  Honey, take a tip from me:  cut down on the pasta, try the Adkins diet for six months, buy a good foundation garment, and soon we may see this little spitfire battling the morbidly obese Sandra Bullock for those lead roles in next year's big budget Hollywood mainstream treacle.

THE DVD CORNER

Breakfast at Tiffany's has just gotten the Criterion Collection DVD treatment.  Audrey Hepburn, usually a model of style and a lithe and lovely woman, hit a career low point with this stinker of a romantic comedy.  Clearly grossly overweight and now  no longer able to fit into the beautiful Edith Head gowns provided, Ms. Hepburn staggers through scene after scene trying to hide her massive bulk behind couches, counters, and in one memorable scene a piano.  One can't help but wonder what this coulda-woulda-shoulda been classic might have been like if Hepburn had made it after her controversial gastric stapling surgery.