November 7, 2002

The following is an excerpt from USA TODAY, Blue Section, November 8, 2003:

REPUBLICANS EXULTANT AFTER ELECTION;  DEMOS DESPONDENT

    Republican Congressmen and party officials celebrated on Capitol Hill Thursday after a dramatic sweep of the mid-term elections put their party in firm control of both the House and the Senate.  With the Republican Party entrenched for the next two years, party leaders were outspoken and exultant.  During an informal press conference at a victory party in the luxurious downtown Screwtape Pavillion, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott and several dozen other Republican officials revealed that they are in fact Demons from Hell.  Shedding their human masks and wigs, the GOP members proudly showed off their horns, bright red skin, and long pointy tails.  Lott confirmed widespread, longstanding rumors that there is, in fact, a filthy, black hole in the sewer system of Washington, DC from which all Republican leaders emerge.  The hole leads directly to the smoking, fiery bowels of Hell that serve as the unofficial headquarters of the Grand Old Party.

    Senator Lott insisted on being addressed by his true name, Dark Lord Morlock.  Gesturing enthusiastically with a gleaming, red  pitchfork, Lott/Morlock gushed over how his party now has a mandate from the American people.  He pledged that he and the Republican leadership will be relentless in pursuing their goal of stealing the souls of every American and damning them all to an eternity of suffering in Hell.

    USA TODAY political analyst Flayle Sonderrrsssonson was circumspect about the revelation that the Republicans are real, live Old Testament Demons from Hell.  "Frankly, I am not surprised .  There have been plenty of little signs and tip-offs over the last twenty years.  However, I don't expect this to change their policy.  The beneficial effects of a deep tax cut for wealthy Americans,  a strong pro-war international policy, and sweeping, Draconian welfare reform should stand them in good stead for the next Presidential campaign."

    Across town, the mood was quite different as the Democratic Congressional leadership gathered to assess their losses and discuss strategy.  In a surprise announcement, Democratic leader Dick Gephardt revealed that he and the inner circle of the Democratic Party are all actually Man-Eating Aliens from Outer Space.  Using his stunning telekinetic powers, Gephardt, who now prefers to be addressed as Grand Counselor Zarkon, melted his wax-like human mask to reveal the slimy, green, reptilian face beneath the disguise he and his Democratic party members usually wear.  Surrounded by a dozen fellow Democratic leaders now unmasked and revealed as a pack of vicious, predatory aliens, Gephardt/Zarkon addressed the gathered press:

    "We came to Earth from the planet Zaxxon one hundred years ago.  Our mission is to fatten the inhabitants of Earth so they will be suitable food for our people.  My breed will arrive in their Intergalactic Transporters for the Great Harvesting in ten more of your human years."

    When questioned as to whether the mid-term election losses would set back the Democratic legislative agenda, Gephardt/Zarkon replied, "No, we will still push hard to fatten your poor lower classes and stupefy your mass media to keep you lazy and ignorant.  However, we will refocus our efforts to provide prescription drug relief for seniors and push to institute Social Security reform.

    "People of America," the grotesque, reptilian party official bellowed.  "We will crush the Demons from Hell, particularly in the Midwest and Rust Belt primaries.  Only one malevolent super race will control America, and it will be the Lizard Children of Zaxxon and the Democratic Party!"

    USA TODAY analyst Flayle Sonderrrsssonson opined, "Actually, this doesn't surprise me either.  Have you ever really looked closely at Jimmy Carter?  Regardless, some benefits will come from modest Democratic victories in a few key gubernatorial races.  Clearly, the Democrats/Lizard Children of Zaxxon must temper their traditional Liberal rhetoric with a more middle of the road message of social responsibility and liberal humanism.  I can assure you things will be really heating up on Capitol hill after these surprising landmark mid-term elections."