October 24, 2002

The following is an excerpt from the November 3, 2003 issue of PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

THEY'RE HOT!  THEY'RE SEXY!  THEY'RE ANGRY!

    ANGER!!!  You're hot under the collar.  Every nerve in your body is tingling.  You can feel the blood rushing to your head and the veins bulging in your neck.  Your face is flushed, and your  body is primed and tensed for action.  As a wave of pure unfocused anger washes over you, you realize you have never felt more powerful or more alive!

    In case you didn't know it, this year "Anger" is the new "Sexy," and all over America powerful celebrities, sultry starlets, and to-die-for politicians are raging and rampaging across the nation.  Anger is the aphrodisiac of the moment, and these hot heads get our dander up.  The following elite group - PEOPLE MAGAZINE's Furious Five -  epitomize all that is red hot, angry, and sexy today:

THE ANGRY DIVA:  Jennifer Lopez brings the sass and strut of her fiery Puerto Rican mood to everything she does whether it is a best selling album or a box office smash hit re-tread romantic comedy.  But oh beware anyone who gets on the wrong side of this hot tamale.  J-Lo is well known for the rapid turn over in her massive entourage, and stories of her bullying, slapping, and spitting on her underlings are legendary.  With so many new hairstylists, make up artists, bodyguards, and good old fashion lackeys, Team J-Lo has had to adopt a new system wherein the employees now wear numbered jerseys and no longer use their names.  Recently an unlucky assistant made the crucial mistake of bringing Ms. Lopez a decaf tall latte cappuccino instead of the decaf tall latte half cappuccino, half espresso that J-Lo ordered.  The young lady, wearing jersey number 89, was rewarded with a face full of hot coffee, a pull of her hair, and J-Lo's shrieking battle cry of  "Adios, ocho-nueve!"  Harsh treatment from the red hot celebrity, but even fellow superstar Ben Affleck, battered and bruised from their torrid and often frankly violent relationship, can't get enough of the woman he calls, "My little Psycho Taco."

Favorite Angry Workout:  Kicking, biting, and slapping.

Favorite Angry Accessory:  Handguns.

THE ANGRY POLITICO:  Everyone inside the Beltway knows there is one man you don't ever under any circumstances want to rile, and that man is Vice President Dick Cheney.  Tales of his volcanic temper are whispered all around town.  Why just last week at a power lunch at posh DC restaurant The Boatman, Cheney had to be pulled off the Emir of Oman after the confused sultan accidentally used the Vice President's salad fork.  Lead away screaming by Secret Service men, the hot, tightly-wound Cheney was heard to yell, "I'll kill you and everyone in your silly little country!"  However, that same intensity and unfettered aggression makes him his administration's widely respected secret weapon.

    Anyone who has seen an embarrassed President Bush appear at a press conference with an unexplained scratch on his face or a black eye can testify as to the volatility and passion of Cheney.  Insiders claim they share a bond as deep as brothers, but the Vice President, though dedicated to the waffling world leader, shows there truly is a thin line between love and hate.

Favorite Angry Role Model:  Benito Mussolini

Favorite Angry Stress Reliever:  Ordering air strikes on Iraqi air defense stations.

THE ANGRY JOCK:  When superstar Kurt Warner isn't leading his football team, the Saint Louis Rams, to another Super Bowl, you will often find him, true to his humble roots, mingling with the common people.  Having overcome an impoverished upbringing in a broken home, the Super Bowl MVP will often spend his time off at Wal-Mart stores across the country cursing out cashiers, shouting at stock boys, or just raving maniacally at passersby.  It is no secret that anger is the fuel that stokes the fire of this fierce competitor.  Openly resented and hated by his teammates, he laughs at adversity and the feelings of others.  He remains a small town boy at heart: strident about his over-the-top religious zealotry, cruel to small animals, and always ready to launch into a profanity-laced tirade at the neighbors who frequently have to call the police to settle noisy domestic disturbances.

Favorite Angry Pastime:  Shattering random car windows with a tire tool.

Favorite Angry Musician: Axl Rose.

Favorite Angry Role Model:  Pete Rose.

THE ANGRY CELEBRITY CHEF:  The jambalaya isn't the only thing that is hot in Chef Emeril Lagasse's kitchen.  The passion he brings to food, music, and entertaining his legion of overweight female fans is only matched by his hair trigger Cajun temper.  At a recent taping of his award winning cooking show, Emeril threw a sauce pan at Assistant Director Susan Snellman.  "Bam! Pow! You're fired, you fat cow!" the  enraged cook bellowed at the portly AD after he accidentally spilled a pot of gumbo on her feet.  Luckily, the flying saucepan missed its mark as the chastened Snellman waddled away, but lately everything else Emeril shoots at he hits.  Powered by a passion for the culinary arts and a borderline psychotic simmering rage at life itself, Lagasse's books and television shows dominate their markets with the same pizzazz and flair with which Emeril bullies and browbeats his minions.  In the meantime, a nation of millions of housewives daydream about this Tabasco-hot Cajun firebrand.

Favorite Angry Music:  "Reign in Blood" by Slayer

Favorite Angry Hobby:  Drive-by shootings.

Favorite Secret Little Angry Talent:  Witchcraft.  Emeril is an accomplished witch, and his spells and curses are widely respected and feared throughout the entertainment industry.  Don't get on the wrong side of his cauldron!

THE ANGRY HAS-BEEN:  Nicholas Cage still cherishes the golden days of his career as one of Hollywood's most sought after leading men.  Sadly, the days of romancing Cher in "Moonstruck" or putting on a clinic in bug-eyed over-acting in "Leaving Las Vegas" are gone, swept away by unrepentant greed and catastrophic taste in scripts.  Though the flame has long burnt out on the famously hot-blooded, belligerent actor's career, casting directors are quick to point out that they shy away from Cage not because of his sadistic temper and near-constant outbursts of violence but because of his glaring lack of talent and a one-note acting range that makes Bruce Willis look like John Gielgud.  I interviewed Mr. Cage as he was pondering scripts for the first in what no doubt will be a long line of straight-to-video thrillers.  Though older, I still saw the fire of that famous temper flare in the paunchy, balding thespian when I told him why he was being interviewed.  He insisted that I take a close look at his Oscar.  As I examined it, he pointed out a little scratch on the head of the gold figurine.  As I brought it closer to inspect the flaw, he slapped the base of the statuette, poking me in the eye.  A trip to the ER for a corneal abrasion and an eye patch later, this writer can assure you that Mr. Cage still has "It," even if he is now just another talentless hack.

Favorite Angry Celebrity Pal:  Joe Pesci

Favorite Angry Hobby:  Collecting throwing knives.

Favorite Angry Activity:  Ranting impotently.

P.S.  Did I mention that this eSLASHculture is entirely a work of fiction, satirizing a nation's relentless fascination with even the most callow and egregious celebrities?  Certainly, none of this is even remotely true, and I mean no harm to any of the wonderful, generous persons mentioned above ....  particularly not you, Mr. Cage.