October 10, 2002

The following is an excerpt from the USA TODAY, Purple Section, October 11, 2002:

Rocker Jon Bon Jovi Hospitalized

    Tragedy has struck the seaside town of Asbury, New Jersey as native son Jon Bon Jovi lies in a bed in Asbury Medical Center desperately waiting for a brain transplant.  Concerned fans mill around outside the hospital in a candlelight  vigil each night praying for a miracle to save the venerable rock star.  Bon Jovi was first diagnosed with Acute Brain Deterioration Syndrome (ABDS) just two months ago.  Now his condition has progressed to the critical point where only a full brain transplant remains an option.  He remains under around-the-clock medical care awaiting a suitable donor.

    World renowned neurologist and ABDS expert Dr. Fars Plastikpersson explains, " The diagnosis was initially made when Mr. Bon Jovi's manager contacted me.  He was shocked and concerned when he actually sat down and read the lyrics from Bon Jovi's new album 'Bounce.'  Clearly, sifting through the senseless drivel, he realized something had gone terribly wrong.  My initial examination suggested there was severe loss of even the most basic intellectual function.  An extensive battery of tests including MRI scans, CAT scans, and PET scans confirmed  what I already suspected:  Mr. Bon Jovi has no brain at all.  His head is completely empty except for a small nub of tissue the size of my little finger called the hypothalamus that still functions well enough to allow Bon Jovi to walk, talk, and groom himself."

    Members of the band Bon Jovi were shocked by the diagnosis.  Unlike most rock stars of his generation, Jon Bon Jovi had no serious history of extreme drug or alcohol abuse.  The cause of ABDS remains a mystery, but some experts speculate that Bon Jovi's well-documented abuse of hair care products including styling gels, mousses, and industrial grade hairsprays may have played a part in his illness.  Says longtime band member bassist Tico Torres, "I guess we should have noticed something a long time ago.  I mean have you ever really listened to the words to some of those songs?  Like 'Dead or Alive' when he sings, 'I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride.  I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all.'  Does that sound like the work of someone with even half a mind?  Still I guess with all the girls and money and fast cars we were all in denial.  It amazes me to think that I have my  masters degree in Physical Education from Jersey State, yet Jon with a bad case of ABDS still got all the girls.  Now, I guess we're almost out of time, and we're all just living on a prayer."

    Despite his sadly deteriorating condition, Bon Jovi appears to be in good spirits.  Although under constant medical care, he refuses to let his illness limit him, and he continues to tour, record, and appear on MTV.  To many, it is an inspiration to see this brave, senseless man struck down in his prime still going through the motions on stage strutting, shaking his massive hairdo, and yowling out his depressingly insipid lyrics.  However, despite putting on such a brave front, it is clear a complete brain transplant is the singer's only hope.  Says Dr. Plastikpersson, "We are holding our breath waiting for a suitable donor from a car wreck or an industrial accident.  The band have their hopes pinned on Bruce Springsteen crashing his tour bus, but frankly, I would settle for a homeless person, an insurance salesman ... even a four year old child's brain would be a big improvement."

    As the grim wait for a donor continues, the fans remain in front of Asbury Medical Center praying for Jon Bon Jovi.  Longtime fan Nicki Platonkis, openly weeping in the rain, clutching a candle, commented, "His bravery moves us all.  I know those last five or six albums must have taken a terrible toll on him.  They hurt  me, too, but Jon Bon Jovi stands for all of us.  He is a true American hero."