October 3, 2002

-The following is an excerpt from THE USA TODAY Blue Section October 7, 2003.

BUSH EXPLORES ALTERNATIVES TO IRAQI LAND WAR

       President George W. Bush  and his closest advisers including Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Colin Powell have just decisively concluded a landmark three day summit meeting at the President's ranch in Crawford, Texas to discuss alternatives to a land war in Iraq.
       Given the reluctance of the Untied Nations and America's NATO allies to support a declaration of war on Iraq, Bush instructed his advisers to "think outside the box" on the Iraq issue as a land war is estimated to cost up to 189 billion dollars and countless American lives.  In a closed door all day "brainstorming" session over nachos and beer, Condoleezza Rice was the first to come up with the novel idea of contracting out the destruction of Iraq instead of using American armed forces.  By enlisting the services of third parties such as the counter-revolutionaries crucial to the overthrow of the Taliban in Afghanistan, the U.S. could get probably get the job done at a fraction of the cost with no loss of American lives.
       Once this pivotal concept was forwarded on Day One of the summit, the President's team of advisers took the ball and ran with it.  The following day after a series of intense international negotiations, the Bush ranch mess hall became the site of a series of formal presentations by interested parties.  The first presentation was by a diplomatic mission from the Kurdish Republic of Iraq.  The militant ethnic revolutionary group boasted of an over five hundred year history of opposing the ruling government of Iraq as well as a standing army of over seventy-five thousand freedom fighters.  The Kurds ended their presentation with their best offer:  they assured complete destabilization of the Iraq government and the death of Saddam Hussein for a guaranteed price of 153 billion dollars, 63 billion paid in advance.
       The Kurdish delegation had barely left the hall when an openly belligerent group, the People's Democratic Congress of Iraq, entered.  The delegation headed by a junta of six deposed former Iraqi ministers and generals openly mocked the Kurds' bid.  Their spokesman, General Aswad Niqbal, was frank:  "Seventy-five thousand freedom fighters?  Does that include their camels, donkeys, and dogs?  These Kurd peasants couldn't kill Bambi's mom.  If you give them 63 billion dollars, your American taxpayers will riot in the streets."  Instead, General Niqbal pledged the complete destruction of the current regime could be accomplished through a palace revolt and military coup carried out by freedom fighters sympathetic to the West who are already in place.  For only 130 billion dollars, Iraq could be a full democracy by Christmas, and General Niqbal promised to personally deliver the bloody, severed head of Hussein to President Bush by Thanksgiving.
       The final presentation of Day Two was a surprise bid by Russian President Vladimir Putin.  He assured his friend President Bush that Russian tanks could be rolling through the war torn streets of Baghdad by Halloween, eradicating the current terrorist-fostering regime at no cost to the U.S. whatsoever.  He reported that with U.S. support Russia would be happy to conquer Iraq "on spec" for a guaranteed 25% of the country's oil and mineral rights for the next seventeen years.  The U.S. team was clearly impressed with this bold and cost effective offer, but the summit was disrupted by a near riot as several other dissident delegations including the Shi'ite National Congress and the Iraqi Muslim Republican Army vociferously protested the parceling out of their nation's sacred and holy oil rights.
       It was on Day Three of this bold, innovative conference that the winning plan was approved.  The agenda for the morning seemed inauspicious as a group known only as The People's Movement for Iraq was slated to make its presentation.  The panel including Cheney and Powell were surprised to see the spokesman was not a unshaven, burnoose-clad rebel but a nattily attired Andrew Fastow, the former CFO of Enron.  Working with a skillful PowerPoint presentation, he outlined an eighteen month plan where, working with a budget of 108 billion dollars, Iraq could be destroyed.  Fastow, former TYCO CEO Dennis Kozlowski, and WorldCom controller David Meyers would subcontract out bids on a multi-layered attack on Iraq using a loosely meshed alliance of heavily-armed religious extremists, Kurdish ethnic insurgents, Syrian mercenaries, and a stealth team of former Arthur Anderson accountants.  Though the organization was made up exclusively of indicted corporate criminals, the panel was impressed by their thorough, well-networked plan, the patriotic zeal of its organizers, and the palpable sense of doom and evil which radiated from its members.
       By noon on Day Three, the concept of "contracting out" the war work had been replaced by the idea of complete "privatization" of the nation's conflict with Iraq.  Working with only short notice, a conglomerate known as Freedom For Iraq Now, Inc. wowed the President and his advisers.  Formed by a loose coalition of corporate offshoots of McDonalds, Disney, and Blockbuster, the group based their strategy on a far-reaching plan for the destruction of the nutrition, morale, and will power of the Iraqi people.  By deploying the evil mega-corporations' well-proven weapons of mass cultural destruction augmented by a series of high profile assassinations and limited use of chemical warfare, Iraq could be converted very quickly into a nation of demoralized, docile sheep.  McDonalds, Disney, and Blockbuster, all reeling from decimating losses on Wall Street and horrifying profit forecasts, formed FFIN,Inc. to help America win the war on terrorism as well as to develop a larger Middle Eastern market share for their products.
       The presentation was met with applause, and following a brief closed door meeting lasting less than fifteen minutes, President Bush announced that he would use newly granted executive powers to authorize the immediate payment of the first of three allotments of 35 billion dollars of FFIN, Inc.  A jubilant President Bush explained, "We were just blown away by their presentation,  With the privatization of the War on Iraq, everyone wins.  Saddam and his generals will be gunned down in cold blood, the people of Iraq will have access to top flight U.S. cultural amenities they have never even dreamed of, and best of all we can get the American economy back on its feet and moving in the right direction again.  Additionally, the cost to the American taxpayer will be significantly less than for a conventional land war.
       "But what the hell?" Bush said with a chuckle, "The big oil companies are calling the shots and paying for most of this anyway."
       The conflict is scheduled to kick off on October 13 with a nationwide "Super Sunday" promotion at all participating McDonalds and Blockbuster stores followed by the delivery of over five hundred megatons of explosives on Iraqi soil by subcontracted elements of America's beleaguered airline industry including Delta and Northwest Airlines.