September 19, 2002

-The following is an excerpt from the September 20, 2002 edition of THE USA TODAY.

SATIRIC WEB SITE ROCKED BY ALLEGATIONS

Eslashculture.com, a so-called "satiric web site" which specializes in humorous columns lampooning popular culture, continues to be mired in a landslide of scandals and allegations of unethical conduct by its management and staff. Today saw the sudden resignation of its Editor-in –Chief, Neff Demousterpersson. Over the last six days, Demousterpersson has been at the center of a firestorm of disturbing allegations of sexual misconduct. The scandal came to light last week when a rival web site, Spanky-Spank.com, posted a story alleging that Demousterpersson had six years previously had sex with a fireplace. Initially, the embattled editor responded by flatly refuting the allegations. On September 16, he stated in a posting on the web site, "Allegations about my past are unfounded, completely false, and totally irresponsible. I am a happily married man, and my family and I resent this violation of our privacy."

The scandal escalated two days later when Spanky-Spank.com posted a second article asserting the veracity of its original story. Additionally, it posted a video clip that, although clearly an amateur recording of dimly lit poor quality, clearly shows the eslashculture editor engaging in sex with what appears to be a small, red brick fireplace. Eslashculture legal spokesperson Cart Flangerstaffsson initially took the approach in a press conference of questioning if the video in fact showed a real fireplace at all. He also suggested that perhaps Mr. Demousterpersson want not having sex with the fireplace but was merely hunched over it adjusting some items on the mantle. However, today the point became moot as Demousterpersson submitted his resignation in a tersely worded statement:

"I am saddened to resign my position as Editor-in-Chief of eslashculture.com. It is unfortunate that my inappropriate behavior six years ago in an act of youthful indiscretion should have such dire consequences. The events that occurred were mutual, consensual, and caused no permanent harm to the parties involved. However, I remain dedicated to my wife and family and am grateful for their support."

A spokesman for the FBI stated that there is an ongoing investigation though as of now no charges have been filed. An anonymous source confirms that a surprise, pre-dawn search of the Demousterpersson home turned up two andirons, a poker, and several other items of fireplace paraphernalia.

On Wall Street, response to the scandal has been sharp with shares of eslashculture.com plummeting in after hours trading to a new low of 17.2, a 373% decline in just the last quarter. The embattled company continues to struggle in the wake of last month’s scandal which resulted in eslashculture Chief Financial Officer Clang Bangerstomperpersson’s arrest on charges of corporate fraud. An SEC investigation showed shocking instances of executive abuse. Documents revealed that Bangerstomperpersson had spent over 2.9 million dollars of corporate funds in several protracted failed attempts to woo and seduce Martha Stewart, showering the dowdy WASP corporate criminal with flowers, candy, and strip-o-grams for over six months as well as hiring annoying, raspy-voiced rapper Ja Rule to serenade her daily. When questioned by reporters about such gross malfeasance while he was being arrested on the trading floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Bangerstomperpersson remained unrepentant as he laughingly referred to the company’s shareholders as "my bitches" and "my little piggybanks." All the while, his repeated frenzied pleas to the authorities to be handcuffed to Ms. Stewart were denied.

In a related story, eslashculture.com’s stock plunged another 12.5% when reporters on CNBC broadcast footage of eslashculture.com’s CEO Flam Nonsterperperpersson being dragged away down Wall Street in chains on Wednesday afternoon. In fact, investigations revealed that Nonsterperperpersson has not actually been charged with any crime or been taken into custody by law enforcement officials.

"I simply find it terribly arousing and profoundly erotic to be led around in public places in chains," the CEO explained. "Next month we may try it in the Mall of the Americas, and perhaps I will be wearing women’s underwear."

With the revelation that the eslashculture CEO is merely a sexual fetishist rather than an indicted corporate criminal, the troubled dotcom’s stock rebounded with share prices closing up a robust 249 points.

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