September 5, 2002

-The following is an excerpt from the September 8, 2002 edition of "New York Newsday."

AMORAL STREET BROKERS PARALYZE DOWNTOWN NEW YORK

     Over the past three months, downtown New York has been plagued by a virulent, ruthless new form of gang violence which has erupted and resulted in a reign of terror which has paralyzed Wall Street and neighboring districts.  A city that over the years has seen gang-related violence ranging from zoot-suited Puerto Ricans to skinhead punks to drug-peddling gangstas is now under siege from a new wave of young amoral thugs.  New York Police Department spokesman and gang expert Fars Vasterperperpersson explains:
     "These new kids are a different breed.  They are completely amoral, ruthless, and unceasingly cruel and violent.  The worst of them all call themselves the 43rd Street Brokers.  Mingling with the downtown traffic during lunch hour on Wall Street, they blend in with the crowd.  Eschewing gold rope chains, Air Jordan sneakers, and panty hose caps, they opt instead for a far creepier and more horrifying look.  Usually they will be wearing Brooks Brothers two button suits, Cole-Haan loafers, and maroon ties as they strut down the streets.  Instead of boom boxes and 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor, they swagger around knocking people aside with their Coach briefcases and swilling down Starbucks double decaf, half-latte, grande espressos. 
     "In the past, I've seen Bloods and Crips gut a neighborhood, but these 'Hood Brokers make them look like social workers.  Instead of harmlessly selling drugs and stripping the occasional car, they won't stop until they've absolutely financially gutted their prey.  You will see them just strutting down the streets yammering on their cell phones in packs looking for victims.  They often prey on the weak:  retirees, ambitious housewives, or egg-head day traders.  Once they pick out a victim, they swarm around them pounding them with prospectuses and pamphlets.  Next thing you know they've got the victim backed up in a bank somewhere signing over their life savings and pensions.  It is pathetic to see some old retired factory supervisor or a misguided young family man flat on his back on the street penniless and covered with pounds of worthless stock certificates and indecipherable account statements, moaning helplessly while these young thugs walk away scot-free with all their money. 
     "Aside from the fiscal ravaging, there is a palpable air of violence inherent in the system.  I took a statement just yesterday from a bloodied sixty-three year old retired physician who was robbed by a new gang that call themselves the Wyld Syderz Certified Financial Planners.  It was horrifying.  When the ambulance and CPAs got there, he was in shock and just kept muttering, 'I used to be a millionaire, I used to be a millionaire.'  When he balked at signing over his entire retirement fund into a diversified set of aggressive growth mutual funds, the leader of the gang, Marvin "Crazee Bone" Fishbinder hit him over the head with a stainless steel blackjack which he refers to as 'my portfolio.'  Then the other gang-banger brokers wrestled away the poor bastard's assets, radically devalued his common stocks, and threw him in the gutter.  Now Mr. Retired Doctor gets a trip to the Emergency Room and forty stitches while these punks roar away in their souped up Ford Excursions and Range Rovers."
     One such accused gang member, allegedly a member of the Thugz 4 Life Westside Money Managers, who calls himself only "Marvin W" spoke to us recently:
     "Lookee here, my brother.  Ain't no man, woman, or child with a trust fund safe from me and my boyz.  We seen it all on CNN, CNBC, and tha Bloomberg.  The SEC may question my bothers at Merrill Lynch and Citigroup, but the message is loud and clear going down to the street:  'Let a playa  play, let a hustler hustle, and let a broker broke people.'   I'll be straight up honest with you.  A year ago I would do anything for a dollar: shake down whores, beat up women and children, sell drugs, but that was nothing compared to what me and my crew got going down now.  Before you can stop us, we can amortize your post-tax earnings, bitch slap your equities, use some super-bad aggressive accounting practices on your 401K, then we gonna kick your assets, my brother.  What you gonna do to stop me? Call the Federal Trade Commission?  My brother, please!  You can fine me, but ain't no man gonna CONFINE me.  White collar short term financial jacking is the best thing to drop since crack cocaine.  Shit, I heard about some uptown crew call themselves call themselves Salomon, Smith Snoop Doggy Dogg Barney even busting out in commercial real estate.  I say , God Bless America and my boyz Dow and Jonze."
     When asked if there was anything he and his fellow gang members were afraid of,  Marvin W paused for a moment, thought, and then turned pale as a sheet when he answered:
     "Ain't but two things a broker afraid of: dogs, especially them Dobermans, German Shepherds, and Rottweilers, and corporate lawyers.  They even worse than the dogs."