August 22, 2002

    We here at eslashculture love all popular culture whether it is Britney Spears selling her ass on lunchboxes or George W. Bush selling us a war on soapboxes.

    However, we particularly love trashy, iconic, self-destructive celebrities living a wild, reckless, morally debased rock and roll lifestyle to the fullest whether it is Keith Richards staggering around and cawing like a drug-addled pirate or Senator Teddy Kennedy staggering around and cawing like a drug-addled pirate.

    We always imagined the decadent lifestyle of these titans to be a free-form drunken tumble from one car wreck to the next, and we love our icons for their wild abandon.  Imagine our surprise when we came across a truly surprising document from the private files of a celebrity that reveals the cold calculating exactitude behind the raw tabloid screaming headlines.

    A friendly computer geek - don't ask her name - sent us what she claims is a typical daily itinerary page illegally hacked from the Palm Pilot of the personal assistant to top-heavy, disease-ridden, rock and roll party girl Pamela Anderson and her bad boy rap star boyfriend Kid Rock.  We always suspected there was more to looking fabulous and living the wanton white trash glamour girl dream than meets the eye.  Little did we appreciate the discipline and hard work that go into setting the photogenic, pneumatic, runaway blonde train wreck rolling down the rails towards self-destruction each and every day.  Still the fact that it is all so thoroughly planned out and tightly scripted sucks some of the fun out of it for us.

Pammy's Day:  Agenda for Friday, August 23, 2002

6:00AM:  Wake up call.

6:15AM:  Step aerobics for 45 minutes on sun deck of mansion with personal trainer Kip Sanjeev.

7:00AM:  Light breakfast of whipped egg whites and macrobiotic soy cakes.

7:15AM:  Yoga and meditation.

7:20AM:  Throw up light breakfast of whipped egg whites and macrobiotic soy cakes.  Eat two tubes of Nacho Cheese Flavored Pringles with one liter of vodka lightly colored with orange juice.

7:30AM:  Back to bed.

1:30PM:  Wake up call.  Shower and shave in wheelchair with personal assistants.

2:00PM: Hair and makeup with Serge Vitaly from Smash! Salon.  Botox, Vitamin B shots, and implant re-inflation session with "Dr. Ricky," bedside.

4:00PM:  Wardrobe fitting of new chain link fence bras and capri pants with M. Sado of Germ Warfare Boutique.

4:20PM:  Light snack of organically grown apples, kiwis, and spider plums with free range kestrel broth.

4:30PM:  Throw up light snack of organically grown apples, kiwis, and spider plums with free range kestrel broth.  Eat two bags of Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookies washed down with two liters of vodka lightly colored with tomato juice.

5:00PM:  Arrive two hours late to American Hepatitis Foundation Fund Raiser Kick-Off Coffee at Beverly Hilton.  Contact is Dr. Marion Peebles, Foundation Director.  Deliver keynote Celebrity Chairwoman speech.  Drink two liters of vodka lightly colored with coffee.

5:30PM:  Home via limo.  Place booze-addled phone call live on air to Oprah describing charitable works.

5:45PM:  Call Dr. Marion Peebles, American Hepatitis Foundation, to apologize for incoherent speech.  Blame vomiting on new experimental brain-free diet.

6:00PM:  Wake up Kid Rock.

6:15PM:  Hose off Kid Rock.

6:25PM:  Dress Kid Rock.

6:30PM:  Watch "Entertainment Tonight."  Light snack of two dozen assorted Little Debbie products with two liters of vodka lightly colored with Yoo-Hoo.

7:00PM:  Meet with Children.  Play, read, and review homework assignments.

7:10PM:  Return children to team of nannies.

7:30PM:  Business meeting with Davison Wildebrand, personal attorney, and Zane Chasten, new image consultant.  Review three most recent final cuts of "unauthorized" sex videos with Kid Rock, Axl Rose, and Roseanne Barr.  Select DVD jacket and print ad campaign specifics.  Punch personal attorney.  Fire new image consultant.

8:00PM:  Drunken slap fight with Kid Rock.  Call Beverly Hills Police to report celebrity domestic disturbance.  Freshen up hair and makeup with Serge Vitaly of Smash! Salon.  Arrange for thoughtful snacks and fruit baskets for police patrolmen and tabloid photographers when they arrive.

9:00PM:  Dinner of hydroponic infused portabello cumin quesadillas with organic leek root vinaigrette tossed with whole grain wheat germ pesto tureen prepared by dietary consultant Harborough Gaines of La Belle Picador.

9:05PM:  Fire new dietary consultant.  Attack him with vase filled with hydroponic infused portabello cumin quesadillas with organic leek root vinaigrette tossed with whose grain wheat germ pesto tureen.

9:15PM:  Light snack of two bags of New Fudge Flavored Double Stuff Oreos washed down with two liters of vodka lightly colored with pills.

9:25PM:  Pass out.

11:35PM:  Paramedics arrive and resuscitate Ms. Anderson.  Kid Rock released on bail from holding facility.

12:22AM:  Onstage at Viper Room for Kid Rock Video Release Party concert.  Look concerned as paramedics repeatedly attempt to resuscitate Kid Rock.  Accidentally set fire to his oxygen mask and tubing with cigarette.

2:00AM:  Midnight snack of two tubes of Mrs. Fields Gourmet Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough washed down with two liters of vodka lightly colored with human blood.

2:15AM:  Pass out in ice chest at backstage party.

3:45AM:  Home by limo.  Send paramedics home with generous tip.

4:00AM:  Fish Kid Rock out of pool.

4:15AM:  Fish Kid Rock out of hot tub.

4:30AM:  Quiet time for meditation.  Light snack of unpasteurized baby goat mild and lecithin-free couscous tapas.

4:50AM:  Bedtime. Throw up in tub.  Pass out in bed.