August 16, 2002

The following are excerpts from the CNN.com web site for August 16, 2002.

PRESIDENT BUSH SENDS THE STOCK MARKET REELING

New York:  A surprising new study indicates that President George W. Bush has a disastrous effect on the Dow Jones Industrial Average.  Researchers from the Stanford Institute for Media and Economics have recently published their controversial findings in this month's copy of MEDIA NOW, REALLY! magazine.

    Head researcher Marshall Leonard Marshall explains his project:  "The study design couldn't be simpler.  For one year, we monitored all programming on the widely available  cable network CNBC.  As you know, hundreds of millions of Americans watch CNBC every day.  People ranging from concerned investors to professional financial planners to lots of unemployed guys who don't get HBO tune in daily to CNBC to track the continued, depressing decline in the value of their investments and mutual funds in the new century's volatile economic climate.  We reviewed the subject matter on CNBC by breaking down the programming into four-second "bits" and comparing who or what was shown on CNBC with how the stock market, in particular the Dow Jones Industrial Average, reacted.  We compiled the data and looked for consistent trends linking what was shown on CNBC at any given time with market volatility.

    "Certain results were obvious.  When images of a terrorist blowing up a bomb in the Middle East are shown, the Dow reacted with an average median calculated decline of -57 points.  Bankruptcy filings by corrupt, criminally greedy mega-corporations send the Dow downward an average of -89 points.  A picture of Allen Greenspan, any picture or film clip, on CNBC's screens resulted in a consistent uptick of +32 points in the Dow.

    "The biggest surprise was the disastrous effect images of President Bush had on the stock market every time he appeared on CNBC.  For example, a thirty-second excerpt from his May news conference reporting on the strength of the U.S. economy and announcing the end of the recession sent the Dow plummeting down -275 points.

    A brief appearance by the President playing with his dogs on the White House lawn on a quiet Tuesday afternoon hammered the market down -247 points.  Factoring in over ninety-three appearances over the test period, President Bush averages a consistent decline of -287 points in the Dow Jones Industrial Average every time he appears on CNBC."

    On the positive side, images of CEOs - any CEOs - being led away in handcuffs resulted in a solid upswing of +76 points in the Dow.  Surprisingly, images of people eating invariably sent the market upward with an average increase of +45 points.  The single greatest upward jolt was a massive +365 point surge when pop singer Britney Spears appeared on CNBC promoting her new line of rollerblades.  Additionally, when a brief segment on Spears' flop movie "Crossroads" aired on CNBC in April, the market roared up +293 points.

    Although skeptics question the validity of the study and the underlying assumption that the stock market is fueled by pointless, superficial reportage on a minor cable network, Marshall stands by his research and claims that the numbers do not lie.

    "I hate to say it, but all over America when investors look up and see President Bush on CNBC reassuring the nation that the economy is just fine, most people's first reaction is "Shit!  I better get my broker on the phone.  Sell!  Sell!  Sell!"  The recent two-week rebound from this year's incredible downturn in the markets, in my opinion, can be statistically linked to President Bush's mercifully-timed month long vacation.  I shudder to think what a devastating effect we will see upon the stock market when he returns to Washington in September and starts to reassure the nation on CNBC again."

    Though economists are dubious regarding the results of this limited study, the programming directors at CNBC have reacted quickly and forcefully.  Beginning next month, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at noon the network will run a new programming block:  "The Jammin' Stock Pizza Party with Britney and Allen."  The show will feature the buxom songstress and the ancient, shriveled Fed Chairman discussing P/E ratios, reviewing earnings reports, and engaging in a spotlight dance number centered on each day's "Slam and Jam Stock Tip."  This in conjunction with an almost total ban on coverage of President Bush is expected to result in a projected 2000 point upswing in the Dow Jones Industrial Average by year's end.

What do you think?  CNN interactive wants to know.  Log on to CNN.BushDestroysOurEconomy.com with your views.  Should CNBC show more Britney?  Should President Bush try wearing some kind of mask?  Log on to join an Online Chat right now!

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ELVIS FANS HOLD GRACELAND VIGIL

Memphis:  Thousands of fans from all over the world have converged upon Elvis Presley's Graceland estate for what has become a yearly gathering marking the August 16th anniversary of the death of the King of Rock 'n' Roll.  Fans will gather around Elvis' gravesite at Graceland throughout the night and light candles, play music, and share stories of how Elvis has touched their lives.  According to traditional folk lore, if the body of Elvis rises from the grave and looks around, and summer will end two weeks later and fans will be forced to go home and get real lives.  However, if the King of Rock 'n' Roll remains in his grave, summer will end conventionally and fans can waste another year of their lives in pointless devotion to the dead, bloated celebrity.

Log on to CNN.ElvisGraveCam.com for live online streaming video from Graceland.

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LANCE ARMSTRONG INDICTED IN TOUR DE FRANCE SCANDAL

Paris:  Officials from Interpol today took into custody American bicyclist and four-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, charging him with fraud and violations of international law in conjunction with his Tour victory last month.

    Charges of illegal blood doping and usage of dangerous performance-enhancing drugs have long dogged the renowned Texan cyclist.  However, the truth behind his suspicious string of victories has proven to be much more shocking than the rumors.

    Working on an anonymous tip, Interpol agents raided Armstrong's racing team headquarters in Joie des Pinnes, France and uncovered a hidden subterranean genetics lab which contained eight fully functional illegal cloning pods.  Genetic material from Armstrong and computer readouts indicated that over forty clones of Armstrong had been generated in the past thirty-six months.

    Authorities became suspicious last month when, following Armstrong's victorious ride through Paris concluding the Tour de France race, several local merchants reported seeing at least eight separate Lance Armstrongs wandering the back streets of the capital dazed and penniless.

    The Paris Advocate Generale Pierre Jean Pierre was frank in his opinion on the subject:  "This Armstrong, he is a - how you say? - monster.  For each stage of the race he sent out another brand new clone in the yellow jersey.  They are fresh and strong and work for free.  They have no families, entourages, or endorsement contracts, and when the stage or race is over he throws them out of the back of his tour bus like sacks of garbage.  How can the other teams compete with that?  The left-over clones are pathetic.  Though heavily muscled and well-nourished, they have the minds of five-year-olds and are completely helpless, just like Armstrong himself.  They cannot read or write or even feed themselves.  They have no soul or even elementary sense of right or wrong.  Although well-suited for careers in American politics, they are helpless here in France, and they are becoming a strain on our already over-worked social service system."

    Armstrong remains in custody without bail in Paris and has been charged with fraud and over forty violations of international human rights and ethics laws.  Armstrong, speaking live both from his home in Austin, Texas and from U.S. Racing Team headquarters in Mouy, France, vehemently denied all the charges of cloning and pleaded his innocence to the press of both countries.

What do you think?  Log on to CNN.ClonedTexan.com to join an Online chat group.  Also log onto eBay/Armstrong/clone.com to bid for your very own Lance Armstrong clone.

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