Fri, 7 Jun 2002

—Excerpt from an internal memo from President and CEO of Plangent House Publishing, Nestor Stanklyverssonpieter.

Dear Board Members,
The past two years have seen unexpected growth in the magazine sector. In particular, successful new magazine launches have focused on niche markets not already over-developed by competing publications. New journals such as "Cosmo Girl" and "Radiance: a Magazine for Big, Beautful Women" have quickly found their markets. We here at Plangent don’t want to miss out on this opportunity. I have commissioned our marketing team to look into new magazine concepts, and after extensive market testing, here are the most promising new prospective publications. Please review these concepts and forward your thoughts to me.

"0 PLUS!: OPRAH’S MAGAZINE FOR REALLY BIG WOMEN"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Morbidly obese women aged 17 to 50 weighing over 300 pounds. Big women, really big women, have traditionally been shunned by the media. Now, "0 PLUS!" brings these extra-large and in charge ladies front and center, waddling through colorful lifestyle and fashion features.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Mind Me, Little Man, I’m Bigger Than You: Tips for successful marital conflict resolutions."  "That’s Italian! Anytime, Anywhere Snacks, featuring Chef Aldo’s delicioso purse-sized lasagnas."

"MAXXIM TODDLER"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Male children aged 1 to 7 years old. The Maxxim Toddler is bold, brash, and a tastemaker wherever he goes, whether partying at home or chilling at the day care.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Is Barney Gay? Shocking Exclusive Photos."  "In Praise of Older Women: The Olson Twins Revealed."

"TROPHY GAL: THE MAGAZINE FOR THIRD WIVES"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Third wives aged 20 to 30 married to men at least twice their age. Today’s hot, young trophy wives live life to the fullest - on their husbands’ tab. Here’s how to live it up and keep that moneybags hubby happy.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way: California’s sexy new estate laws."  "Lingerie To Die For: Hot new looks guaranteed to get his dander up."
 

"BASTARD; THE MAGAZINE FOR THE NEW AMORALITY"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: 17 to 35 year old males. The "BASTARD" reader is a confident, free-wheeling rebel who plays by his own rules and doesn’t have time for your small-minded, old-fashioned system of ethics.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Your Friends’ Girlfriends: Meet ‘Em, Greet ‘Em, Bag ‘Em!"
"10 Awesome Ways to Free Beer!"

"SMOKIN’ KIDZ"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Child smokers aged 8 to 18. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and the new teen smoking generation is hot, hot, hot with our advertisers. This is the new magazine for tobacco addicted children.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "All Fired Up! Great Party Starting Smoking Games."  "Oops! I Lit Up Again: Britney Spears taste tests the new Marlboro Teen Lites and Super Cool 500s."

 
"KLEPTO GURL!"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Women aged 15 to 30. Shoplifting is hot and a whole new generation of sticky-fingered girls are styling and profiling through shops helping themselves to whatever they want.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "The Backpack Discount: Five kicky new backpacks worth their weight in merchandise."  "Saint Winona: Twenty Questions and a Deposition with the crafty Ms. Ryder.

"LEFTY"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Hip, young amputees aged 18 to 35. Today’s Generation X and Y amputees lead an active no-holds-barred lifestyle. This is their hot, new publication.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Walk a Mile in My Shoe: Hot new crosstrainers road tested."
"Singleton Party Time: Swinging mix and match shoe-swapping parties. Let’s make a pair, if you dare!"

"WHIPPED: THE MAGAZINE FOR THE DOMESTICATED MALE"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Bored, exhausted, hen-pecked men aged 35 to 60. Finally, a magazine for all of us beaten-down husbands who don’t like "Sports Illustrated" or "Playboy."
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Slipped Disc!: The new fake injury that really works, featuring a list of easy, impressive symptoms guaranteed to get you out of work, lawn care, or having sex with your domineering, overweight spouse."  "Impotent Ranting: If it feels good, do it!’

"COSMO PET!"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Dogs and cats of single women aged 18 to 35. Today’s vibrant young Cosmo Girl has a sassy lifestyle and hot pets living life to its sizzling, sexiest fullest along with them. Now at last, there’s a magazine for cutting edge pets.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Bitch In Heat: Prowling the streets in today’s hottest new canine fashions."  "Doggy Style: Timeless, Sexy, and Fun."

"USED WOMAN: FROM THE PUBLISHERS OF ‘NEW WOMAN’"

TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC: Single women aged 35 to 55. In the 80’s "NEW WOMAN" magazine set the pace for a whole new generation of independent young women with minds and careers of their own. Now those same women are old and still single and childless. USED WOMAN leads the way for this generation which is maturing with style.
SAMPLE ARTICLES: "Real Cool Cats: With these hip new breeds, who needs a husband or a family?"  "Hot! Hot! Hot!: the new bitter, middle-aged celibacy is taking over. Catch the wave!"